, , ,

I feel pretty sick right now. Felt better earlier, and then just much, much worse than I did yesterday. Gonna post this and go to sleep. Maybe tomorrow I will feel better, eh? -_-

Cold War Transmissions by Anberlin

This is one of those songs that I kind of liked in high school, when the album was new…and I forgot all about the song because I only “kind of” liked it. And then when Anberlin broke up this year, I started re-listening to them, and was pleased to discover that I actually like this song a lot more than I did twelve or so years ago. :)

They posted a lot of “explanations” for their songs, too, before breaking up. I thought it was funny that this one was based partly on a game that the vocalist used to play with his brother.
It’s made it so that when I listen to the song, I remember dumb games I’ve also played…like beating Melody over and over at Stratego, or playing chess with my youngest sister when she was really little and losing so badly that I’ve all but given up on that game, or when I played Axis and Allies with Toni and Schyler and their friends, and Toni was getting mad and telling me to shut up about how much money my country had, and to go buy some whores to keep me busy while she was trying to think. o.O

Now I shall go to bed. And probably not sleep, but wish that I was awake with my insomnia instead of this wretched sick nonsense. :(


I have had about four cups of tea now…and my throat finally doesn’t hurt. It probably will again tomorrow, since I feel feverish and sick…but…small triumphs. I has them now and then.

Took a nap earlier, and had one of those dreams that I have. I think perhaps I must be sick or sufficiently stressed out for them to come on, but…I don’t know. I don’t dream nearly as often as I used to though. (Not ones I recall upon waking, at least.)

But the one from earlier…there was a group of people, and they were walking in this super-modern…thing…like…a building that was all white and glass with some chrome fixtures…except that it was a building so huge that the hallway was like a wide road of white and glass, and it would go up and down by grades, but it would only ever turn at right angles to the left or right. And they walked. And I walked. And walked. And walked.

And I saw these things off to the side, that were hunting the group. They wore a bizarre cross between storm trooper and samurai armour, complete with the animal/demon masks…and had these weapons that were wooden staves with a curved blade on the end (ah, okay. now that I am writing it down, that is definitely a scythe), and were shuffling down a corridor that paralleled the main hall, looking for an opportunity to rush through and cut down the people.

I am unclear what I was in the dream, but…apparently I decided that I no longer wanted to walk with the people; I wanted to hunt them. So I ducked down the corridor with the two armoured creatures–there were only the two, hunting a group of twenty-thirty–and I followed them. They knew I was there and they seemed cross, but did not try to stop me…and we followed and followed, and as we went on, the shiny newness of the building began to…pixelate? I’m not sure how else to explain it. But it looked like everything had begun to break up. Holes in the walls, and the ceiling evaporated and left an expanse of digital-looking blue in every direction…and the top layer of glass in the floor was breaking up into little square pixel-crystals.

It was at that point I realized I had no shoes. And the happily shod crowd in the hall moved on, and the samurai creatures moved on, unbothered by their own lack of shoes, as their feet were clawed and leathery monster feet that were not bothered by glass.

As for me? I walked. What else was there to do?
But I could not walk fast. And I was excruciatingly aware of the glass in my feet, although I kept telling myself it was not so bad…that it was like walking on ice chips, because they were cold, and the cold would numb my feet so it did not hurt…

Eventually, I came to a place. I don’t really know what kind of place, because I don’t remember it looking different. Just…more blue, if that is possible. And the glass went away, and I laid down. It was horrible. So, so horrible, because now I could feel all the glass in my feet. And this red-haired girl came and offered to take the glass bits out of my feet…I was surprised to see her, because she is a character from a story that I tell myself, and as often as I tell this story (ever day, that is), I rarely ever see any of these people in the dream world. But I told her no, not to do it. And asked her to please take me to a hospital, but she said she could not because those didn’t exist anymore…

It wasn’t a good dream.
This is a good song though.

Les Iles Noires by Rome

I tried really hard this year to not let very many songs end up in my list if they had already been on it in the last 3 years that I did this…but I couldn’t keep all of them out.

Jérôme Reuter is a musician I first heard through that Out ov the Coffin radio show I mentioned a few weeks ago…and also probably the only reason I can forgive that show for the virus that destroyed my last computer. Pretty sure I would not have heard of him otherwise, as there doesn’t seem to be any direct connection between his music and anything else that I listen to. (Although, funny story…it turns out I do have some songs from an album with vague communism-themes that was sent to the radio station at my college, and that band shares a record label with Rome.)

The most peculiar thing about this music though is how prolific Rome’s work is, and how few songs I really like a lot. I’ve been making really slow progress on it, but I started a few months ago, listening through every song available, and playing to death the ones I finally find that I enjoy…so those will probably show up on next year’s list.

This one in particular is still my favourite song for a rainy, cold day. It has that quality I enjoy so much in Rome’s songs, where the tone of the music makes a scene that has barely anything to do with the words of the song. In this case, grey skies and rain are what I think of every time. But I am strangely okay with that.




, , , , , , , , , ,

My throat hurts. :/
Not the best way to end the night, but hopefully I will feel better tomorrow.

And maybe sometime before the year ends, I will find time to go see the last Hobbit film…since our guests have not taken the time to fill me in on whether it was good or not. But…I’ve seen Fury the last three times I watched a movie at the theatre, so I should proooobably see something else.
I haven’t seen a single movie that many times in a row since the first Hobbit came out. Not that I regret going, since even after the first two times and after listening to it for two weeks on the other side of our office wall, I’d still find myself jumping at certain points even though I already knew what was going to happen…and also, a poll of some of my coworkers says that an awful lot of us felt like three was the appropriate number of viewings to stop at for Fury. (Although when Hobbit 1 came out, I did know someone who had seen it 5 times. She was crazy.)

Bedtime approaches, though, and here I have a song for you that does not have words and is actually kind of soothing to listen to on repeat…which is probably how it got into this list.

Valg by Neun Welten

This one is a song I found when I was clicking through a category listing on Wikipedia, of all places.
See, one of my favourite musicians is sometimes classified as “apocalyptic folk”, and I was curious to see what else might fall under that heading. I did not find anything that really resembled the artist that originated my search…but I did find some medieval and folk themed music that was interesting in a different way altogether.

Plus, it made for good background music while I read the Game of Thrones books. :P




, , , , , , ,

I need someone to explain to me the forces at work when other humans form associations regarding me. Not actual associations, but the ones that start out slightly humorous and then start morphing into something where I am like, “um…this isn’t what I meant to portray myself as”, but am at a loss for how to cut it off. Because by that point, letting it get a rise out of me is (as I understand) the surest way to reinforce the association.

Like when my siblings would (and still do) tell me that I am like Professor Snape from the Harry Potter books. Or like Squidward from the Spongebob show. Or the brief time when I was being referred to as a Vulcan at my old theatre.

Somehow a few of the other managers and supervisors have latched onto this idea of describing some of my habits and likes/dislikes as being un-American. To the point where I am starting to be able to predict when they’re about to make these comments.

We were trying to talk about music today though, after talking about zombies. So, you know…I thought there was a segue for me to bring in songs about and cannibalism, and my supervisor thought I said I had a collection of songs about zombies and communism…and I did not realize he’d misheard until he said that at this point, that was exactly the kind of un-American music he’d expect me to be interested in, and btw, what does communism-themed music sound like anyway?


(Please note: I am not approving of cannibalism. I just have an interest in horror-themed music that sometimes yields story-songs about this kind of character.)

Here is a song that has neither cannibals nor zombies nor communism!

I Only Think of You by The Horrors

I don’t know what induced me to listen to this song as much as I did this past year. Because yeah, I like it. But not that much. This song is not easy on the ears, rather like rough waves are not easy on the stomach.

In short: this song sounds drunk and needs to go home. Not the story of it–because I did a stupid thing and got this song based on its lyrics–but the sounds. All of them. The music is slurred and wobbly, and the vocals are paced just slowly enough to make the whole thing edge towards unbearable.

But the story though…it’s a theme, with me. The wanting to save someone from something that you can really do nothing about. The whole offering to walk right into fire for them, when they do not want or need you to, and would probably not be moved by it if you did.

I think that maybe this song got so high into the list because I could think of no better way to wring that feeling out of me than to hear it sounding like the nonsense that it really is. And I can’t say it’s worked…but by comparison, I feel like that so little anymore that I can’t say it didn’t help, either.


un-American, eh?


, , , , , , , , ,

Good. So we won’t be showing that stupid movie after all. And I am glad.

Maybe this will underline the joking remarks by my family and coworkers that I am somehow “un-American”, but here’s the thing…
I keep seeing places where people are like, “oh no! the bad guys won! this is a major victory for terrorists!”

Is it though?
Was this film breaking new ground in cinematography? I have the doubts. So many of them. In fact, in everything that I have read and seen about it, the only “groundbreaking” part of it is the fact that it was about assassinating the still-living leader of a country known to be hostile to us.

Well. Now we know what happens when we decide that is what we’d like to do.

Did that film need to be seen by the masses? *shrug* Who am I to decide what people should find entertaining. Would it have been life-changing? Hell no. Especially if the previews did what comedy previews so often do, and show the funniest parts of the movie before the release anyway.

But guess what! Guess what is super American about the way the decision was made!

They (Sony) really didn’t have a huge choice but to cancel the release of the film because the big chain movie houses refused to show it. And that is incredibly American.

Why do I think so? Mmm…because money. $$$

Theatre chains (forget about any other aspect of our industry) are concerned that we would lose money. For a number of reasons.

1. Guests being too afraid to come to our theatres during a key money-making time of the year for us. We don’t work 365 for nothing. It’s how we make the most money, by capitalizing on when people–large groups of them…families with young people who have disposable income–have free time to come spend a few hours stuffing their faces and watching a movie. We can’t lose out on that, given what a bad last two years the movie industry has had.

2. Cyber attacks on theatres showing the film. Because even if nobody is injured, people’s financial information could be stolen, studio’s information could be stolen, employee information could be stolen…business operations could be impeded in other ways (are you aware that projectors could be hacked? we kind of can’t operate our businesses without them) that would make the holiday season that much more chaotic and overall unprofitable for us.

3. Physical attacks. Not necessarily from the organization that is issuing the threats…but…come on. If you’re reading this, you’ve been on the internet long enough to know what kinds of people we have in America already who are crazy and would love to get in on some mayhem at a movie theatre. We don’t need that.
Do you feel confident that my minimum-wage high school and college kids and retirees are going to save your ass if something happens at our theatre? NO WAY! We don’t train them for that because guess what? We sell tickets and make popcorn. We are not the police. We are not the government. We are not the military. We don’t save lives and protect freedom and American values. Basically, this isn’t our problem.
(Showing movies about Captain America does not make us like him, just in case you had some trouble figuring that out.)

My fiancé posted something on FB, reflecting what I said in my last post…and I am pissed at the people who commented, thinking we should have gone ahead and shown the movie anyway.

Bro, fuck you. You only say that because you actually don’t have to worry about anything happening. Not working there, you can sit back at home and watch as things unfold so you can assess the situation before you ever buy your ticket.

When I left my theatre today, our CEO had sent an email to say they were evaluating the situation themselves…and after I left, bam. Word arrived that we would not show it. So that means that either A) there is information that you don’t know yet, indicating that maybe it really was a potentially unsafe decision (because guess what! I don’t think that the government shares everything with us right when it happens…and with good reason, given how many crazy, stupid people are here in this country–remember, you’ve been on the internet, so you can’t not know about them!), or B) the information that the higher-ups in our industry are being given is incomplete enough that–even if there was no imminent threat–they did not feel comfortable green-lighting the movie.

That said, I do hope that when you go out to see a film that is being played this holiday season, that you will be kind to the employees. We’re just like you. We like what you like (well, except for me, maybe), and we are just as concerned with getting through the rough patches of this season as you are. So, you know…try to keep your patriotic hatred of us to yourselves, thanks.

(Oh, and try to get the popcorn in your MOUTH and not on the FLOOR, since a fair number of the ADULTS who are saying we’re cowardly and un-American are also not able to fucking feed themselves without dropping half of it. Trust me. I have cleaned enough theatres to know.)

And here, as an unrelated footnote, is my next song.


Again. So poppy. So much sparkle. So much unrequited love!
I liked singing along with this one too much, I think. That is the only reason why it’s here…no deep, personal connection or anything…just catchy lyrics.

Merry Christmas indeed


, , , , , , , , , , ,

Freaking comedic idiocy.

Thought I would catch some news before bed, and just like I thought, these stupid people who are threatening Sony about this stupid film are now threatening places that will be showing the film.

I hate all of them.
I hope they get caught and (or) something terrible happens to them.
I kind of hope my company will choose to not show the film, but I won’t hold my breath.

But hey. I should feel special that everyone in my industry is getting a special gift from terrorists, right? We usually get to feeling left out since everyone who is upset about retail workers missing Thanksgiving conveniently forgets that theatre employees are working on EVERY holiday.

And of course I will be working the evening shift on Christmas, dealing with whatever stupidity ensues–because let’s face it, even if nothing happens, we will have hysterical guests that I will have to appease and crew members that I will have to persuade to not call off. Or something dumb. Because why freaking not.

Hate everything. Way to ruin the holidays for me further, Sony and “Guardians of Peace” (since, you know, you’re both ruining it now).

Anyway. Now that I am mad on behalf of all movie theatre employees everywhere…here is a song.

14 Candles by Plushgun

Yeah. I listened to some catchy, sparkly pop songs.
Not my usual fare, but I like pretty much the whole album this song is from.

I think these songs capture pretty perfectly what it is like to be a teenager with an unrequited crush. Fun and bubbly and melodramatic all at the same time.

Just fun to listen to. Like my exuberant zydeco/gypsy music…because as much as I like Goth everything…how can I properly appreciate it without acknowledging that there is other music out there? :P


so many burns


, , , , , , , ,

I discovered a new kind of pain today.

I was washing something in really hot water–the kind that you can only stand to touch for a few seconds–and since I wasn’t really touching the water, but using a scrubby brush to clean this pan, that was fine.

But there is a little concave lip around the edge of the pan…and the scalding water splooshed up on me and soaked the torso of my shirt.

Ah, it hurt so much…
The kind of burn that is just so much worse because the wet fabric is clinging to your skin.

Hopefully I have learned my lesson though and will not do it again. Out of all the injuries I’ve ever gotten, burns are the ones that I am most adept at avoiding once I realize they can happen…for instance, I only burned myself the first time I ever used a hotdog steamer (and that only happened because I had never used or seen one used before, so I didn’t realize how easily one could burn one’s self on the steam), and in the four years I’ve worked in a movie theatre, I have only burnt myself on a popper kettle once. That’s quite a feat, if you know anything about movie theatre employees…

Anyway. Enough about my burning myself. Here is some music instead.

Somewhere Only We Know covered by Joy Electric

So. More movie theatre stuff!

In my company, we have something called “cinema sounds” that plays in the empty theatres between showings. It’s not a radio station, but a sort of musical advertisement that plays clips of recently released or soon-to-be-released music, and tells you a little bit about the artists.

Most of it is terrible. A lot of it ends up being disgustingly popular…but in the whole time I’ve worked there, I have only ever liked two of the songs. One being Not In Love by Crystal Castles (which I really only liked because it featured Robert Smith), and the original version of this song by a band called Keane.

Keane’s version is fine. I’ll give it that. But I already liked Joy Electric, so when I found out that there was a JE cover of the song, I opted for that instead. Because why not.

I think Ronnie Martin’s take on it is sadder sounding…but I’m okay with that.
I can identify with the feeling of this song, too…the wanting to move forward by going back and using pleasant memories as a starting point…not that this method usually works. Hence the sadness.

Ah well. Enjoy.

upsetting things


, , , , , , , , ,

Snap. This is the loudest pair of shoes I have ever worn…

Bought a pair of boots and they fit surprisingly well, considering my feet are abnormally shaped, and because when you get stuff from the internet, you don’t really know what you’ll end up with sometimes.

But I like them. So far. Except for the fact that the leather is creaking when I walk, and add that to the heavy sole, and I should just stop walking around the house. In the dead of night, at least. Because nobody wants to hear creaky, new leather and CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP as I go up and down the stairs to get water and whatever.

Probably going to bed as soon as I post this. Tomorrow is the Hobbit movie marathon at my theatre, and that means extra work for me on top of putting the order away and doing inventory. Blegh.

…on a vaguely related note (not to The Hobbit, but to working at a theatre), I’ve been reading up on all this stuff happening with Sony about The Interview film…and I am not feeling so good about it.
That’s great that this company wanted to be risqué and exercise their freedom of speech…but…for a ridiculous comedy like this? Really? I had a bad feeling about it when I first heard about the film months and months ago…and that feeling just keeps increasing.

Because as much as they keep attacking Sony as a corporation, these people who don’t want the film released (yes, I know there is no concrete proof that “they” are attacking because of “The Interview”, but I have a hard time believing that isn’t the case) said that they’d have an “interesting Christmas gift” coming up…but for whom? For Sony the corporation? For Sony’s employees who were threatened in various messages? For the hapless movie theatre employees who will be working on Christmas when the film releases?

That makes me nervous.
Not because I personally feel threatened…I don’t see my home theatre as being significant, in the grand scheme of things…but it makes me nervous for those of us who work in the theatre industry, because we don’t make these decisions about what a movie is about and how a story or character is portrayed. We just sell you popcorn and a seat to sit in while you watch and draw your own conclusions about a film.

And…I’m not saying what Sony is doing is right or wrong…but it makes me uneasy that people who work in a theatre setting and not in a production or distribution setting might be exposed to an unfavorable situation because of this film.

Not that there have been any (reported) threats to actual physical locations…that’s just me being paranoid. But I feel like I have a right to be a little worried in this situation. Just a little.

…here is another song.

The Last Mistake by Assemblage 23

This song is some dark stuff.

I think I posted about it before, but on my initial listening to this album, I really liked the sound of this track. It seemed sad, and the music had some sounds that gave it a haunting quality…for an electronic song, I that can be difficult to pull off…

But after I decided I liked the song, I got to learning the words and…man. The song is about a parent killing their child in order to keep from being separated by what seems to be a custody or mental health situation…and there’s just no way to put a positive spin on that kind of subject matter.

I’ve found it difficult to listen to this song as entertainment after I bothered to learn what it was actually about…but as a segue to contemplating how horrible situations and life in general can be? Yeah. I can listen to it then. And…I think about upsetting things too much, probably, for this song to be in my most-listened-to playlist…but I think I’ve given up stopping myself.

Ultimately, I’d rather think all the time about upsetting things than have them actually happening to me. I hope that is forgivable.



, ,

Not a lot to say right now. But I need to get to bed asap, so here is today’s song.


Mmm. I think the chorus is what got this song into my most-listened-to playlist this year. It’s the kind of catchy that would stick in my mind all through a shift. It has twinkles, too, which I enjoy to a fault.

Content-wise, I was intrigued about the idea of being made from matter and shadow. Being myself a shadow, and not a real thing. Or…at least I’ve never felt entirely like a real person. There’s always some sense of my being false. Like I am being a thing I made up–and not very well, at that…




, , , ,

I think I’m malfunctioning again.

Woke up today and got up to turn off my alarm–I keep my phone plugged in away from my bed so that I actually have to get up to turn it off…for all the good that does–and staggered into the wall.

I was feeling dizzy all through my shower and that whole lengthy process of waking up…and didn’t really shake the feeling until right before I left the house. I forgot about it in the frustration of getting my errands done today…but feeling like that can’t be good.

Like when I try to sleep.
I lay there for a long time, almost every night, and think about things and talk myself to sleep…and when I pass that stage, I turn over and put my arm under the pillow, and usually fall asleep soon after.
But lately, just now and then, I will turn over to sleep, and instead of dropping off, I am suddenly hyper-alert, and my heart starts hammering. For no reason whatsoever. The kind of THUD-THUD-THUD I get when I narrowly miss being in an accident, or when a guest is shouting at me at work.

I don’t know why this is happening, but I suppose I should not forget that it did–the dizziness–in case it happens again. :/

Anyway, here is that song to get back on track with my count.

In A Win, Win Situation by Emery

As always with Emery…beautiful vocals. I love it. And this one even lacks the scream vocals that Jester says “ruin” so many of their songs that would otherwise be good.

This is another one that I think I listened to so much because I thought a lot about my college years. That me was absurd. And so upsetting to think about.
And that was really when my obsessive tendencies started to show themselves…this song was like that, for me. Vaguely connected to my obsessing over someone and lacking the motivation or justification for it.

I think so many things I listened to at that time were about this. The impossibility of resolving a feeling. I still haven’t learned to do it. It’s less intense, sure…but not gone. Never gone.


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 68 other followers