i didn’t start this with the intention of it being all work-related rage

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Ugh. This wedding is really soon…

You know what I need that I’ve forgotten all about until around nowish? A little bit of each of the following, I think.

*stress
*anxiety
*terror

On the upside, I learned that letting a chewable Pepto-Bismol tablet dissolve in my mouth over the course of an hour really, really helped with the chemical burn feeling in my throat.

Like…you know how it is when you accidentally get a lungful of strong cleaning agents, or burning plastic, and your throat feels…weird? That feeling has been a contributing factor with this absurd cough of mine (although I can’t think of when I might’ve done either of those things to get the burned-throat feeling in the first place), so it’s nice to know that Pepto can be used for something other than its intended purpose…

My cough is still pretty horrible, of course. And I’ve been stewing all weekend about some things that happened at work on Thursday with one of the supervisors straight up lying to me and leaving a labor intensive task completely undone for me to discover at the end of a night where I was feeling like poop, and then had to complete myself…and at an evaluation our theatre got from a corporate person who was unduly harsh about me even after my boss explained to him that I was sick and hadn’t really been prepped for an evaluation because the corporate guy was, like, 6 hours behind schedule when he showed up at our theatre.

*rage*

Idk. Mike says not to worry about him, but I was still livid. It’s not fair that I have to be feeling like shit and then have my employees lying to me and then have someone from corporate putting in official documents that the “manager on duty” was unavailable during prime business rounds when–oh, I almost forgot about this part–he specifically told each of my crew NOT TO TELL ME HE WAS IN THE BUILDING.

Wtf kind of ploy is that? Am I playing some sort of corporate hide-and-seek where if I find him I get good marks? I’ve never actively loathed someone from our company who wasn’t a theatre-level employee, but this guy…come on.

Oh, and just for the record, the “prime business hour” he referred to was from about 745-9, and I was on the floor up until a few minutes after 8pm, and then I decided that because we had only 4 shows during 8pm, and none of them had more than 20 guests, PLUS a time gap from 820-845 where there were no starts at all, that this was the ideal time to try and force myself to eat dinner. And none of my crew told me that was a bad idea. Because he fucking told them not to tell me. That bastard. *rages*

I can’t blame them though. I probably would have a hard time disobeying a direct request from one of our corporate reps.

Maybe he forgets that in our particular industry, and in our particular state, and because of the way our management system is structured company-wide, I don’t get to take a scheduled break, so I have to use my best judgment to figure out when is a good time to eat, and then if I guess wrong, I have to be willing to drop what I’m doing and go back to assist with floor operations and potentially not get another chance to eat before my shift is either over or operating hours are over and my attention shifts to cash handling and paperwork, which can take anywhere from 1-4 hours to complete without my having to try and eat while I complete those tasks.

*sigh*
I know these are extraneous details to everyone here, but I tell you to illustrate that I am at least mad for a real reason this time, and don’t feel like my thought that this guy hates me is entirely unfounded…

And then my underling lying to me (and complaining about me about another thing she lied about, as I later learned), and then having to do lots of heavy lifting while I was thinking hard about calling off the next day because I felt so bad…it’s just all too much at once.

I’m surprised I’ve made it so many days without mentioning it to anyone.

Anyway. Bed now.

some conversations

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Fiance’s mom: Have you thought about what you’ll do for wedding favors?
Me: Idk. Probably little pieces of my soul cut into heart shapes… j/k. I was thinking about bubble bottles or something lame.

She didn’t text me back for a few hours after that. Perhaps I said the wrong thing? x_x”

*Thabet and I are talking about one of our company’s slightly dumber policies*
Thabet: That’s so dumb!
Me: I know.
Thabet: How can you stand it?!
Me: I don’t make the policies. I only uphold them.
Thabet: Still…!
Me: On the bright side, it’s one less decision I have to make. It’s already been made for me. Making decisions is awfully stressful.
Thabet: I guess that’s true.
Me: And who couldn’t use less stress in their lives? It’s so nice to not have to make tough decisions.
Thabet: Yeah, it is.
Me: *pause* Would you say that making choices is hard for most people?
Thabet: I suppose I’d say so. *nods* Yeah.
Me: It’s so hard to know what the right thing to do is. There’s a lot of information to consider. Most peasants aren’t cut out for it.
Thabet: Heh, peasants. *pause* That’s true though.
Me: So you tell your peasants to join the cause. Maybe they’ll even like it more than they liked being peasants, right?
Thabet: Maybe they would…
Me: So, because it’s less stressful to be told what to do and let someone else make all the difficult decisions, and because we know that most of us aren’t well-informed enough to make very good decisions, this is why fascism isn’t so bad.
Thabet: Woah, what?!
*I laugh*
Thabet: I didn’t think this was where the conversation was going.
Me: I thought you were getting suspicious. About the peasants.
Thabet: I thought it was a metaphor.

(And just because I never know what visitors to this blog are thinking, I want to be clear that this conversation is just me being a troll…I don’t actually think “fascism isn’t so bad”.)

In other news, I feel less death-like than I have the past few days. Woo.

this is the worrrrrrst -_-

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List of fashionable Victorian-era items currently in my possession:

– corset
– pocket watch
– lace gloves
– long cape
– fountain pen
– consumptive sounding cough

My cough was tolerable, but as of Monday it’s gotten a helluva lot worse. And I feel terrible, but I don’t really have the money to go to the doctor right now, so maybe it will get better on its own, yeah?:/

Cough suppressants–even the strong ones–aren’t living up to their claims, and the expectorant isn’t bringing up much of anything, so tomorrow I’ll try something with an antihistamine in it instead of codeine, and see if maybe it’s some freak allergy onset…

It’s awful. I don’t want to do anything. Not eat. Not read. Not listen to music. Definitely not go to work or see friends or go with Jester to the court house to secure a marriage license….although I did all of those things yesterday and today…

The only thing I have done between yesterday and today that I enjoyed even a little was sit on the couch with Jester and one of the dogs and do nothing.

I really need to get better by Monday so my mom doesn’t bully me into going to the doctor. And so I can see a friend. And so I can get some packing done and enjoy the last few days before Captain America comes out and starts our spring/summer season at the theatre…

*sighs*
*starts coughing uncontrollably*
*regrets sighing*
*publishes post and goes to lie down and be miserable*

blabbing on

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I was afraid I would need to be more on guard against my reading, after that last one…but so far I’m halfway through The Sun Also Rises, and it hasn’t bothered me at all for a change.

I’m going to attribute that to my no longer having anyone in particular to despise. That’s all done. *feeling pleased* Although…I have checked once or twice, just to be sure… *guilt*

Well. Like I said last time, I’m going to try and not dwell on that. And instead focus on how furious I still am with my not having written one of my college papers on the last scene from this book. It’s hard to be socially paralysed and unable to tell your classmates and professor that you think they’re all wrong about a thing, and to be completely baffled as to why your professor failed to point out a thing that you’ve noticed every professor seems to enjoy pointing out in a narration… *sigh*

Oh well, yeah? Missed opportunity.

Mmm…so, I’m very tired now, but I still can’t go to sleep. I Have this stupid, dry-clean only comforter, which I hate to admit, but I have never actually dry-cleaned it…just stuffed it in the dryer and run it through on the highest heat setting from time to time…and I did that yesterday, but for whatever bizarre reason, it came out smelling like the dog’s bedding. Wth, right?

So I have it in the wash now, and I hope I’m not completely destroying it, since it’s a rather nice comforter…but I’m going to check on it in a few minutes. See if the wash is done and I can move it to the dryer for the next two hours or something stupid.

Clean bedding is far, far too much work. -_-“

books are stupid–don’t read them

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Well. It took me a day to read that book, and in that time I’ve concluded that writers need to stop turning out books that make me hate all the characters and finish the last sentence in a rage. (Not George R.R. Martin, understand…he’s managed to transcend the love/hate factor with regard to a number of his major characters. Well…the ones that aren’t dead yet.)

I don’t feel quite as strongly as I did when I finished reading Gone Girl, but I think I’m sufficiently put off about reading any more of this guy’s books.

I’m also unhappy to see that it was enough to put an idea back into my mind that we have not turned over in a while. And are happy to let alone, I think, although now that it’s come up again I am having a hard time doing that.

There is a particular person I have in mind because of this book, and I am unnerved by how relieved I think I would be to never see or speak to them again. Even my Wolf thinks that’s a fine idea, and I think he is agreeing a little too eagerly. Although because that me always thinks of how to make a thing worse, I’ve been speculating off and on about whether the same thing has occurred to them. To this other person. That it would be nice to never see or speak to me again.

And then I have that argument with myself that I have always had, about how stupidly oblivious (perhaps guileless is the correct word here?) this person is…and then the counter-argument that it cannot be possible for one to be that way…that it would only be possible if one were willfully ignorant–and for years! Not even just a few, but fourteen! It cannot be possible.

But…there is the ever-stretching silence. And now that we are thinking of it, we wonder. And I would have written to K about it, since that is part of what our friendship these past eight years has been based on…but I expect she must think I’ve moved past it. (Of course I have!)
I’ve never considered what I will say to her if she observes that this person is not at the wedding. The truth, I expect. And then hope we leave it at that.

Ach. What an absurd thing to be worrying over now.
I should do something productive, like finish putting away laundry and go to bed.

my Wolf and I

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I think I hate little purple butterflies.

It’s really stupid, but I saw some yesterday and Wolf-me flew into a rage about them and went storming along much faster than usual. It was a dumb thing to do, since that’s how you walk farther than you meant to, and then feel more tired and take longer to walk back…

They remind us of taking Toni there though, and trying to cheer her up and talking about fairies and dumb things after what happened with that stupid kid from our theatre…the one whom I think I mentioned fantasizing about stabbing with a ball point pen…
I still don’t feel like we apologised hard enough to her. Or long enough. Or sincerely enough. But what can one say? What apology is enough to cover that?

My Wolf…he just turns dark and bristles.
There isn’t an apology for that. Nothing to undo it.

Trying to turn that rage toward some more likely targets than butterflies though. Like our wedding coordinator and the girl making the bouquets.

Apparently the coordinator did not arrange for us to have the rehearsal on the date that we told everyone to ask off for it. Soooo…in an uncommon stroke of good luck, everyone is available anyway or can rework it for the date she gave us instead. Except maybe me. Maybe I won’t be able to. I won’t know until Saturday…and I don’t think my boss will say no, but still…makes me angry that she gave us this date and then says she didn’t. But I don’t have it in writing from her, Just in my mom’s notes she took when we met with the coordinator in January. *growls*

And that stupid girl with the flowers…
I messaged her because I placed my order on 10 March and hadn’t heard back, and she says she’ll have pictures for me in “a few days”. OMG. Just finish them already so I can either approve them or ask for my money back! *rages*

I realize that some people might be very nitpicky about their crafts and handmade products…but seriously. She should have told me she wouldn’t be able to have them done in time–over two months worth of time to work on them!–and saved us both the trouble. (Now, of course if she does get them to me, great. If not…I think I will have to get into a boat, paddle across the Atlantic, and strangle her.)

On the upside though, my high-school friend’s mom was over at the house today and helped make some wedding decorations for us. They look nice and didn’t take terribly long, but we ran out of material, so she is going to get more of the materials and make the rest of what we needed. ^_^

Buuuuut…I was late getting to the house because of driving from the other side of the city during rush hour…and I guess our moms got to talking, as moms do…and she mentioned to my mom that John (my school friend) had seemed really sad that I hadn’t invited him…

And now I feel terrible. Because I thought about it. And I thought about a few other people that I really wanted to invite, but whom I hadn’t really seen or spoken with much in the last few years…and so ultimately, I didn’t invite any of them because I was too upset by the possibility that none of them would come because we weren’t “really” friends anymore…

What a dumb thing to think, yeah?

Like thinking that Toni doesn’t really even like hanging out with me or that she somehow holds me responsible for that dumb theatre kid…when I guess she tells everyone about me when they get to talking about awesome people who used to work at our my theatre, and she told Brandi some time ago that I’d asked her to be in our wedding…

Well. So I messaged John and explained the situation and why I just didn’t say anything…and I asked him to join us and bring his fiancé if they wanted to be there, because we’d be happy to have them…
What’s two more people, after all? And I know Jester has enjoyed the few times when we all did hang out together, so I don’t think he would object………

*sigh*

It’s hard for me to think that people actually like me.
Like…I can joke all day long about being everyone’s favourite fascist. Because nobody likes fascists, yeah? Like being a favourite disease–you might have one that you think is interesting to talk about, but it’s nothing you actually want.

Like me. Maybe I’m an interesting thing to talk about, but one doesn’t actually want to interact with me…right? *feels sad*

And then we go back to Wolf raging at things because any time I feel sad, that bit of me wants to attack the thing that is causing the sad.
He’s ineffable.

How strange to think that it is this Wolf who resolved that we had to have Jester and wouldn’t be letting him get away from us…

*sigh*
Anyway, I think I’m leaving this post now and going to skip Ben Jonson and start on that book. I can’t stand it any longer. I need to do a thing that won’t annoy me. (Example: listen to the same song on repeat for almost 45 minutes…….I apologise in advance for anyone who is with me in December and suffers through my end-of-year playlist, which already looks like it’s going to have a lot of Blutengel).

oh, hey…

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Hey, so I know it might not seem like a big deal to you guys…but I want to publically thank livetransform and Schnauzevoll for being my blog-friends.

It’s nice to have some people to leave me sympathetic messages and be interested in what I’m doing, even though they’re far removed from it. Especially as I’ve had a vexing year and am getting into the home stretch leading up to a stressful life event. It’s little stuff, sure…but it means something to me. *shrugs*

…I didn’t draw an awesome dog for you guys, but I may do something to that effect if when I find the time.😛

(Btw, my awesome dog got dozens of likes on Facebook…probably because my Facebook friends don’t know to discourage my efforts to be on Der Führer’s good side.)

keeping up

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You know in those nature documentaries, where there is a herd of caribou or gazelle, and they show the wolves or lions or cheetahs or whatever stalking the slow, sick herd animals…and maybe the caribou is limping and bleating, but its herd-mates are like, “hey–you got sick. None of our business if you get eaten!”

I’ve got that feeling, and am not enjoying it very much. Being Wolf, I’m not accustomed to the feeling that other things with teeth are stalking me while I limp and puff along and try to keep up with everyone else…

Not cool.

And I guess that’s not how you’re supposed to be feeling in the month leading up to your wedding, but it’s really bloody hard to keep up with all the planning, especially when stupid stuff keeps happening to throw off all the things I’ve been so precariously balancing…

Here’s a little bit about all the things I’m currently trying to find time for.

Work

Meh. Not busy until Captain America III, which is okay by me right now…makes other stuff a bit easier to focus on. The most interesting thing that happened was yesterday right as I was walking in. One of our crew had a mini-meltdown and started cursing at Thabet, and then completely blew off our new manager when she was asked to come to the office to discuss things… I get to have a sit-down with this employee tomorrow and talk about why this isn’t okay. Woo. >.<”

We decided that the solution to insubordination was pictures of awesome dogs. Because dogs make everyone happy. ^_^
It took me three tries to finally produce one that stood a chance of being hung on Der Führer’s refrigerator though. I was duly ashamed.

My best example of an awesome dog:
awesome dog

I feel like our new manager must be wondering if she made the right choice to join us. (Of course, we know she did–joining us is the only choice!😀 )

Wedding

As a segue between the last topic and wedding stuff…this is probably one of my favourite wedding-related questions so far –> “So, can I get you guys a Nazi-themed gift?”

Absolutely NOT. But I did have a good laugh at that…
I’m glad that some of my coworkers will be there. It’s great to have friends and relatives come out, but there’s a certain level of strangeness to our interactions because I don’t see them very often, whereas my immediate family and my officemates are the people I see most often. I think it will help me be more comfortable to have them around…as weird as that sounds. (Does that mean I work too much? Surely not… Probably it just shows how bad I am at socializing. Ugh.)

Mmm. There’s only a month left (yikes), and I still don’t know exactly what’s happening…this week we’re doing a meeting with the pastor and then making decorations. Next week we’re going to apply for our marriage license.
I think I have a lead on getting hair done…and I’m working on seating and figuring out a timeline/order of ceremony… *mimes headshot*

I hate being organized. Can’t someone else just do it? -_-”

Anyway, now we can move on to the thing that’s throwing off my balancing act the most.

Deady

I love my cat. Cats are great (although I still think dogs are better friends…). Vet bills are not so great though.

He got sick and wouldn’t eat or drink a few days ago, so my parents took him to the vet while I was still asleep, and discovered that his liver enzymes were really high and he was dehydrated from vomiting. So they checked him into the animal hospital, and he stayed for two days…and now I have to come up with somewhere around $1600 to pay my dad and my sister back.

As far as his health right now…once they got enough fluids back into him, the enzyme levels dropped down to a more normal level, so he’s doing okay and will get a check up in a few days to make sure…and I’m glad. I’m glad he’s good right now. And I’m glad my parents are a nurse and a paramedic, because at least they understand then what was wrong since I have no clue (they explained it to me, but I can’t remember…).

Fortunately, my tax return is supposed to be a decent amount and will cover most of it…but to pay the rest, I have to use the money I was supposed to give Jester for May rent…but there’s still somewhere between $4-500 that I don’t have. (Well, technically I don’t have my tax return yet either…it’s nice to spend money before you even get it, you know?)

Jester asked me if I’d ever consider doing a crowdfunding thing like Toni did with her kitty…and as much as I’d want to try it because I believe I am friends with good, generous people…I couldn’t. I couldn’t stand the risk of finding out that some of my good friends who I respect and have high opinions of might actually tell me that I should just put my cat to sleep and not keep taking the trouble with him.

Just thinking about someone saying that to me makes my Wolf self see fire. I can’t imagine how angry I’d be if it actually came to pass.

So…in the midst of moving and paying for a wedding (I estimate I have about $400 left in expenses that need taken care of for the latter), I also have to come up with this other money and I don’t know how I’m going to do that, which has caused my stress levels to sky-rocket overnight.

The best. -_-”

Reading

Finished re-reading Remarque’s The Road Back. And you know what? I really am glad I read that book, in spite of what the reviewers on Amazon would have had me think. I feel like you need to have already read All Quiet on The Western Front to get it…that’s so…but as far as characters and story, I felt like The Road Back was easier to follow and relate to. Literally the opposite of what half the reviews I looked at said.

I’ve been hesitant to add any more of his books to the list of things I’d like to read someday…but if after a second read I liked it more than I remember liking it the first read through, that seems to favour taking a chance with them, right? I think so.

Maybe they’d be ones to borrow from the library rather than buy outright, just in case…we’ll see, I suppose.

I’m going to try and slog through some Ben Jonson poetry and then start a brand-new book that I’m a little iffy about because I picked it up from a Buzzfeed recommendation. It feels icky to say so though…like, I feel disappointed with myself.
Still…it’s in keeping with the theme of my books that I’ve lined up for the next couple of months, so we’ll see.

Music

Heh. This section I’m including for Jester. He says we’ve been going without music a lot when I drive places. To quote him: “How am I supposed to know what you’ve been listening to?!”

So. These are some of the songs I’ve been most recently enjoying.

 

 

 

I was a little disappointed with the mini-album Rome just released. Except for that song. I like that one…

Anyway. Cheers.

this can stop at any time. seriously.

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I have a somewhat more upsetting post to make, but I feel like I should give it a day or two so I can know for sure what’s happening. Who knows but that maybe it won’t be so bad after all. (Spoilers: it involves my cat going on another emergency vet trip and me taking another unexpected financial hit. I’m just not sure how bad exactly it is.)

Until then…

I am thinking that I can’t trust my bosses to introduce me to people. There was that time at my old theatre when my boss there introduced me to the company’s CEO and announced that my wrist was in a brace because I got into a fight (definitely not true, but at least he was good enough to say that I’d won).

And then there was today with our new manager.

Mike: Shirley, this [my name], who’ll be your best friend for closing this weekend. And is also a fascist.
Shirley: …?
Me: *to Mike* Thanks a lot.
Mike: What? I felt like that was important point to cover.
Me: *to Shirley* Well, I’ve never had Mike try to make someone immediately dislike me, but now that that’s out of the way…

Ugh. That’s not how we prefer to meet new people. -_-”
And then we followed that up with my dropping something near the office door and Mike almost mashing me in the head.

Me: *yelp!*
Mike: Ha! How’s it feel to see your life flash before your eyes like that?
Me: Doesn’t seem right. *pause* I’m pretty sure I just saw three lives flash before my eyes. I don’t remember having used that many.
Brandi: Three’s kind of a lot.
Me: Well, I started with nine…
Blair: So, you’ve got your life as a cat, your theatre life and…?
Mike: *stage whisper* And the one spent serving the Reich.
Me: Ach. That one… *sad face* You know, that’s probably why I feel so at home here.
Blair: Oh?
Me: Yeah. One gets accustomed to certain things, and I really missed the black and red uniforms…
Mike: *laughs*

Closing was easy though. New manager Shirley learned more about closing procedures as a supervisor than most of them do. Tomorrow and Sunday shouldn’t be too bad. (Unless the bulb explodes in the auditorium 8 projector…I forgot to email about that before we left. Oops?)

*sigh*
I ought to feel much better about things because today went really smoothly, but any day when I wake up to my mom pounding on my door because there’s an emergency doesn’t feel like a good day…particularly when I have taken sleep aids the night before, so I’m not really awake when we are talking, and later have to have her re-explain everything to me because I don’t entirely remember what we were talking about, just that it sounded important and I agreed to everything…

Maybe I should try and sleep now, too. Except that I’m feeling too anxious to sleep…

Still…

I should at least try.

poor me (I guess)

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Ugh, someone save me… I don’t want to do my taxes tomorrow.
Or call the hospital.

Because they left me a voicemail today, but didn’t say what it was about, so now I have to call them tomorrow and hope it’s good news.

I don’t really have anything to say for myself right now. Except that my computer is doing some sketchy things…keeps freezing up, so of course the solution is to do a disk clean, defragment, and scan for viruses all at once (oh, no wonder the computer is freezing up).

So…time to read and wait for all of my programs to finish running. Hopefully that will fix the problem, eh?

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