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28 is Geweihtes Land by Leger des Heils

Why is this a thing? Mmm…because I started leaving to youtube on autoplay while I wrote the crew schedule.

Pandora doesn’t have any content by Rome, so when I would get bored with Pandora, I’d switch over to youtube, and depending on what video I started with, the autoplay would either keep playing through music that was actually by Rome, or it would start wandering off into videos with music from other neo-folk bands.

There’s a fair bit of neo-folk that is teeeeerrrrible and makes me want to pull my hair out…but I did also find music I liked. Along with Darkwood and Forseti, Leger des Heils was one of the better ones.

The biggest thing I don’t like about this song is the cello (I think it’s a cello?) that opens the song. I think it sounds too much like it’s not a real stringed instrument…too electronic? Fabricated? Idk. It just sounds off up until about 1:07 when the guitar and other instruments finally get going.

Once one gets past that though, it’s a nice song. I feel like there’s an earnestness in it that is something I like to hear in a lot of things I listen to…

Which brings me to the other bit about this song that I’m iffy about.
I’ve done a thing which I always tell people not to do online if they don’t want to be upset, and I’ve been reading comments on a lot of the song videos for a lot of the music from Rome and also from these other neo-folk artists that I’m kind of interested in…and ye gods…the internet is brimming over with horrible people. (Which you already know, of course.) The number of neo-folk songs that have internet trolls debating the merits of Hitler, and the number of people I’ve seen taking them seriously and then going off about how this whole genre of music is terrible because the only people who like it are neo-Nazis…it makes my head hurt.

Because of course this is also the sort of direction things go when I have conversations about neo-folk with people in person–

Thabet: Neo-folk just sounds like something a Nazi would like.
Me: You only think that because the phrase “neo-Nazi” is the only other time you hear that word. Or when you watch The Matrix.
Thabet: I think you’re trying to throw me off.
Me: You know I’m not a Nazi. That the whole thing is fake. For comedic effect.
Thabet: Mmm…
Me: Oh, come on.
Thabet: Jokes don’t usually last two years.
Me: Ouch. *pause* Okay. That’s fair.

So yeah. That this genre is a magnet for trolls isn’t really helping my case. But Wolf-me reminds us that we did this to ourself, which is kind of true…… Boo.
(Here is where I blurt out that I also started listening to music from a band called Nachtmahr and that it was an accident and omg I didn’t know what I was doing…! *Wolf me is ashamed at this outburst*)

Still, the lyrical content of this song might be different in the context of the album as a whole (which I haven’t listened to all the way through), but it’s got vaguely patriotic undertones, and given all the people trolling on folk music, I don’t know if I should look on that as a bad thing or not… such uncertain…very doubt…

I still like the song though. Because, you know…working on my goal of not being needlessly embarrassed about of things I enjoy. And I feel like if I can not be ashamed of being Goth just because some people have bad assumptions as to what that means…then neo-folk should be easy. Right? (Eh…)

On the bright side…it turns out that the girl I mentioned trying to make friends with also likes neo-folk, so I’m kind of excited about that. It would be nice to have a friend who shares such an obscure interest. Plus, maybe she can point out other good music and I can stop letting youtube introduce me to random stuff. Squee. As soon as the holidays are over I feel like I need to stop being paranoid and socially awkward and try to find a time to hang out with her. And also to see Toni…

And now that I’m getting away from musics, it’s also time to end this post.

Previous #28 songs
2015: Verdammnis by Blutengel
2014: If I Told You Once by Circus Contraption
2013: Disappoint by Assemblage 23
2012: Black Mirror by Arcade Fire
2011: Overdoom by Pretentious & Moi?



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Whew…I am trying hard to post these on the correct date, which won’t happen if I wait until after work is over, since that’ll be after midnight…

29 is The Secret Sons of Europe, by Rome.

I still really like the flamenco touches in this song, which I mentioned in my most-listened-to posts from last year (last year it was #5), so that is probably the main reason this one is making another appearance.

It’s a little disappointing that a whole year later I still haven’t been able to answer my question about the Spanish singing that comes in towards the end…knowing Rome’s style better now, I feel like it has to be a vintage recording that was added into the song…but I still haven’t been able to figure out what the recording is, despite periodic digging through the internet for music from the Spanish Civil War.

Maybe I’m looking for the wrong thing? Not sure. I even bought a physical copy of the CD in hopes that there would be credit attributed to the songs they used…nope.

Just think…if I had been able to find it, maybe my music library would be peppered with vintage anarchist recordings instead of fascist ones.😛

Time for work now.

Previous #29 Songs
2015: Les Iles Noires by Rome
2014: Already Gone by Further Seems Forever
2013: Behind Your Mask by Blutengel
2012: In the Dark by The Birthday Massacre
2011: The Cthulhu Song by Eben Brooks



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Number Thirty.

It occurred to me that maybe I should put in the titles/band names…? Idk. It seemed like a sensible idea.

The Ballad of The Red Flame Lilly by Rome

This song came from the album A Passage to Rhodesia, and I really didn’t like the album when it came out back in 2014…kind of a case where I had really started to like Rome as a band, rather than just a song here and there…and then I was just super disappointed when this album came out and I didn’t like it. I didn’t even finish listening to the whole thing.

Buuut…after combing through Rome’s backlog of music and deciding that it was alright if I didn’t like some of it, I came back and gave this one another chance and a few of the tracks grew on me. This one I think I liked because it sounds so different from a lot of the Rome songs that I like a lot (a biased opinion, I’m sure, since Jester has said they all sound the same).

The bit I like most in this one is the harmony part in the chorus…I know people are always expressing disdain for artists who layer vocals because it’s not a thing that can be reproduced live…but in the right context it’s interesting to listen to, and this is an instance where I like the effect it had enough to forgive it.

It makes the song a little tough to sing along with though because I can’t figure out what pitch to try and match…but that’a a personal problem. (Yeaaaah…because when I am driving, I do sing along with almost all the songs I have on these most-listened-to playlists. How embarrassing for me.)

I’m also ashamed at my significantly lacking history knowledge when I listen to this song…back when I was trying to determine if I liked this album or not, I read a lot of web pages about the significance of the Flame Lily as Zimbabwe’s national flower…and about the Bush War and the transition of Rhodesia to Southern Rhodesia and then to Zimbabwe…all kinds of other things…TL;DR–white people meddling where they aren’t wanted.

In reading all that, this weird memory surfaced of a poem someone read to us at the summer camp program we used to go to at the zoo here…I am pretty sure the poem was about the Flame Lily, and specifically how it was a symbol relating to the rebels in the Bush War…but I haven’t been able to find the poem anywhere so far (which is what happens when you can’t remember a full line from something, but would know it if you saw it).

I think they read us this poem because we were talking something about how ecology goes by the wayside in times of conflict, and how animals and plants go extinct or become endangered because of wars. It was an interesting class, and I don’t think the ecology of war is something that’s ever come up in anything I’ve done since for school or otherwise.

But as far as this song goes…I decided I liked it, of course. It’s got good harmonies and some good imagery that can be appreciated regardless of whether one understands the history being referenced.

Previous #30 Songs
2015: Irgendwann by Blutengel
2014: The Last Winged Unicorn by Rhapsody
2013: The Colours of Grey by Diary of Dreams
2012: Vergissmeinnicht by Eisbrecher
2011: Unicorn by Apoptygma Berzerk



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Yay. December music countdown.

I am already late on this one, of course…but that just means that tomorrow I must try to post before midnight, eh?

I had a song from Unheilig on my playlist last year, but I’m a little undecided on the band. Probably because of very limited exposure? Idk.

I like them, I suppose, since earlier this year I gave thumbs-ups to every Unheilig track that played in my Pandora stations. And then I decided to just go ahead and download the music…and then got sad because Puppenspiel is the only album available through iTunes USA. So I haven’t really had the opportunity to listen to any of their other music. And I know I could maybe find it on a streaming service or through some other download site…buuuut…I’m also really lazy, so I haven’t looked.

Again: being conflicted.

I’m not really sure that I even like this band’s style of music…some of the songs–like this one–are a bit more pop sounding than most of the things I usually like. Maybe it’s just that I like his voice? That could be it. But they have songs also that fit in nicely with the Goth styles, too, so maybe it’s some of both.

This particular song got into my playlist because I am not good at expressing myself, and this is problematic when one is trying to put together a wedding playlist. This was one of the closest songs I could find to express how Wolf me felt about getting married…it wouldn’t seem like it, I know, as it’s not actually a love-type song…but it is about finding a feeling of home and finding assurance of yourself in someone else, and despite the abstraction of those ideas, they’re some of the ones that Wolf-me feels are most important. Not to mention difficult to reach.

So…this was the only song out of the ones I picked that I was a little emotionally invested in. Just as well that it was in German, so that nobody else would know that I had contributed a serious song.😛

The rest of the songs I contributed to our wedding playlist, for comparison:
1. Always by Erasure (you know…the song playing in Robot Unicorn Attack)
2. Beautiful Love by The Afters (some of the songs I picked were because they’d be familiar to him as well, since we both listened to a lot of Christian rock in our teens)
3. I Want to Hold Your Hand by The Beatles (this one just makes me lol)
4. Earth Angel by Bella Morte (there were a few wedding guests who were baffled by there being a Goth cover of that song)
5. Tonight by Ace Troubleshooter (see the note on #2)
6. Lovesong by Voltaire (I could’ve gone with the original from The Cure, but Jester and I met in person first at a Voltaire concert, so this one was the obvious choice)

And then there was also a fast, springy version of Pachelbel’s Canon in D…because I have a love/hate feeling towards that song…I think the usual tempo makes it one of the saddest songs I’ve ever heard…and it’s beautiful, no doubt…but I had to take precautions against getting weepy, so I picked a fast one.

Also…using my audio editing skills to cut out the most cinematic portion of The Great Gate of Kiev. My mom meant it as a joke, but I found a recording by the Berliner Orchestra that I liked, and so we used that…it was like the end credits music at a movie–very “show’s over everyone!” I liked it.

But yeah, I have listened to this song a lot this year and felt a little bad that I went to such lengths to try and hide my having feelings at my own wedding…but this is who I am and I’m not sorry. And I am fortunate, I suppose, to have found a person who at least tries to understand Wolf-me, even if I am not the best creature in the world.

And I am fortunate to have found music to convey what I am trying to mean, even if that means we must step outside of the English language.

Previous #31 Songs
2015: Feuerengel by Unheilig
2014: The Conqueror Worm by Aurelio Voltaire
2013: Amethyst by The Awakening
2012: My Despair by In Strict Confidence
2011: Cold by The Cure

i think i need to bail faster


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Well, that was exciting. I worked almost 46.5 hours from Friday to Sunday.

I’m never doing it again.

It wasn’t too bad until Friday night, when I realized around 1am that I wasn’t going to sleep much at all that night. I slept for about 3.5 hours before going back to the theatre, and then spent Saturday feeling terrible. Not so much a physical awfulness, but the kind that’s in your mind when you are too tired…where you can’t focus and your eyes feel weird…

I felt better sometime in the middle of the afternoon, but that started to go away around 8-9pm…I spent the rest of the evening ushering and having an excellent time with some of my crew, trying to outdo each other with sarcasm and witty remarks, but I was definitely struggling to keep moving and thinking coherently. (Which is why I wisely decided I shouldn’t interact with the guests.)

I got to sleep almost 7 hours before I came back on Sunday morning, so Sunday wasn’t terrible, but I am never ever ever going to work more than one double at a time again. Not ever.

On the upside though, I think I finally got it through to my crew how desperate I am to get people to open up their availabilities, and how much I mean it when I keep urging them to have their job-searching friends apply at the theatre.

Plus…dedication. I think I’ve done a good job illustrating that there is no reason for them to keep having such terrible attitudes about the general activity of working. If I can still be friendly and do my job after three days straight, they can at least try. I’m not asking for a lot.

And morale is pretty bad at our theatre right now…the worst I’ve ever experienced at this location so far. After the crew all found out Mike was leaving, everyone’s been discussing leaving the theatre. And I know I’ve thought of it myself, but I can’t just leave while Jester is also looking for a new job–I need him to be stable first, at wherever he ends up. And that means I stay at the theatre for a while yet. And I need for everyone to not quit on me.

One of my least favourite questions to get from the crew is the hypothetical one of “what would happen if one day we just all quit at once?”

Like…do other businesses put up with this nonsense? Maybe just ones that employ a lot of young teenagers who like to ask these absurd kinds of things…idk.

(Answer to that question, Wolf says: I’ll lose my goddamn mind.)

I have a helluva lot of HR stuff to do tomorrow…I need to do a paperwork session for a new bartender, call and set up interviews with applicants…and write the schedule with the sad, small group of employees I have at my disposal right now.

I don’t know what else I ought to do though…I feel like I need to do something to improve morale, but what is there to do? I can’t do most of the things that would actually make the crew more satisfied, because all of the root problems are with the parent company, and not with our particular theatre…

It’s a bad feeling for me all over right now. Like bailing water out of a little boat, and knowing that it’s not really enough to keep everyone from sinking…

So that’s where I’m at right now. Trying really hard to keep it together and feeling like nobody else is really trying as hard as I am right now…and also being scared that whoever comes and takes Mike’s place is going to upset everything I’ve been working at to placate and bribe our crew and get them to do what I need them to do through the end of the holiday season.

At least it’s taken my mind off of the less than welcoming Thanksgiving situation that happened with Jester’s family. They still don’t seem to grasp that I work on holidays, and they have never seemed terribly considerate about including Jester in what are typically family-centric traditions…so they assumed that because we were both working, they didn’t need to bother about either of us, and instead of having a family dinner, they had more of a lunch with friends of theirs.


I was in kind of a rage about it when I left work that day, knowing that we’d intended to spend this holiday with his family instead of mine, and they hadn’t even tried to include us. So I didn’t even stop there and instead went directly to my own family’s house because they always have made an effort to include me or to have things on a timetable where I could join them. Every year for the last six years.

Not that I am trying to find fault with them…but I do. Because that’s the point of holidays, is it not? To celebrate with those you are close with? To include people and show them you care?

Doesn’t seem very caring or inclusive to me when you don’t try to account for your loved ones’ obligations. But what do I know?

Well. I have no idea what else will happen over the last few weeks of this year, but I guess Wednesday night I will have my year-end playlist ready to go.

And I apologise in advance for this playlist, as less than half of it is in English this year, but at least there is more of a variety among the artists this year, since last year was comprised of just 6 different musical groups…I think I have 10 this year so far.

Until then, cheers.

guys i had another bad idea that i’m gonna do anyway :D


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Alright! Here’s my plan for the next few days…

Wake up at 530. Get to work sometime around 8-830. Hate on the people who feel like they need to see a movie on the holidays until about 5pm. Then change and drive to Jester’s parents’ house for Thanksgiving and hope they didn’t just start without me like they kept saying they would last year. Eventually go to bed.

Work from 9am straight through to sometime between 2-3am. Hate on the masses in between those times. Maybe bust the chops of anyone who wants to make my employees cry this year.

Get up and go back to work at 9am again. Only work until 11pm. Possibly feel an uncharacteristic fondness for American football because maybe we will be a little bit less busy for part of the day because of a certain college game.

Again…work straight from 9am to between 1-2am. Be glad I thought ahead and bought energy drink.

Being unendingly grateful that I don’t have to work, but going to the theatre anyway for my boss’s going away party. Hopefully I will not forget the little message I was thinking out earlier to put in his card. It has all the best Nazi puns I could cram into a goodbye message. (Like…four. That’s a lot though, I feel.)

Write the crew schedule. Consider various ways of bribing and blackmailing more people into working the weekends because I am never ever ever doing three all-day shifts again.

Wednesdeay and Thursday:
Idk. Probably sleep. I’ll just sleep for two days straight.

i seen a wolf today


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I want a refund for this day in November.

It was too bloody hot out today. I went to the park and, too late, realized
A) I don’t need my jacket.
B) it’s too hot for long sleeves
C) it’s too hot for boots
D) no leaves on trees = no shade
E) sunburn is a distinct possibility
F) mosquitoes

Displaying IMG_3173.JPG

Displaying IMG_3175.JPG

As you can see, the sun takes up the whole sky.

On the upside though, there was a group there from an educational program called Ironwood Wolves, and they had one of their ambassador wolves there, doing a photo shoot. So yeah…I seen a real live wolf in the woods today. Eee! ^_^

(*Not this wolf…he is just here to depict my feelings on the matter.)

I was reading their web page later, and discovered that they do meet and greets with their animals…I know what I want to do for my birthday now. *such excite!*

Also…our zoo does a big-time winter lights display, and today was their zoo-members only night, so Jester and I went to that, too. It was weird to go and it not be cold out, but at least it was a pleasant temperature instead of blazingly hot like in the afternoon.

And now…time to get ready for bed. I have to be at the theatre at 830am, ready for a day of Fantastic Beasts madness. x_x

ahh ahh aaaaaahhh


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Welp. This schedule was terrible. I was getting anxious just writing it and nothing has even happened yet.

Also, this was a thing.

Me: Ugh! *incoherent noises*bangs the clipboard down on the counter*
Brandi: What’s up?
Thabet: Yeah, who was that you were talking to?
Me: That teacher that keeps coming around and checking up on Nick.
Brandi: Ohh…what did she want?
Me: to tell me she’s not telling me what to do, but to not schedule him all weekend.
Thabet: I wondered why you were talking so loud.
Me: Because I was using my best try-to-sound-professional-but-also-tell-you-to-eff-off voice.
Thabet: Gotcha.
Me: …and also distract from the fact that I wasn’t wearing my uniform and my shirt is covered in unicorns.
Brandi: *laughs*
Me: I felt foolish.
Brandi: I never would have thought of that.
Thabet: Tsk-tsk.
Me: I know. *puts head down* Der Führer would be so disappointed with me.
Thabet: Yeah, we have an image to uphold, you know.
Me: You’re right. I should be punished. *hopeful* Do you suppose I could be shot before the holidays?
Thabet: No, you gotta work and suffer with the rest of us.
Me: *gag noises*

Oh well.
I had Saturday off, but I’ve given that up so we can have enough ushers in the morning. I think right now that four of us are working 6 days next week, and two more are working at least one double.

Some of our “part time” crew are scheduled for almost 50 hours, too…

*feels anxiety setting in again*

Well. At least someone is coming to the theatre to see me tomorrow…I might not actually get to see her because I have that stupid class to teach (alright, alright…it’s not stupid…it’s just tedious and I hate it), but I talked to her on Facebook and am giving her a book that I don’t think I’ll read again…I feel kind of good about the little conversation we had, so maybe I will try to make a friend again?

Is it weird to make friends with someone that much younger than you? *anxiety again* I don’t know…I just want a friend who isn’t someone I work with and whom I didn’t allow terrible things to happen to and who isn’t hundreds of miles away from me. And with whom I actually have shared interests… *wrings hands*

I’m not asking for a lot, right?😦


But–I was trying to look on the bright side, wasn’t I?
So, Hannah is coming to the theatre to see me and maybe I will convince her it wouldn’t be weird to hang out–UGH…I’m too weird to have friends! That’s been it all along! *breaks down*–

*pulls it together again*

Just kidding. I’m good. I’m great. Who wouldn’t want to be my friend? *forges on to a new sentence*

And then Thursday, Jester and I and maybe my sister and her boyfriend, are going to the zoo to see their lights display. Maybe I’ll go walking again in the early part of the day? Idk.
And then on Friday I do have to get up early and work…but a thing has also happened where I’m going to try and surprise Jester…hopefully things go well with that.

And then the rest of the week is where it just rolls straight downhill. And it’ll keep rolling on down into the next week.

I need to sleep.
I need to sleep and not get myself all agitated. I woke up last night after just 3 hours and I never fully fell asleep again after that because I just kept going over things again and again and again and even after I’d already done it…

(Wolf me chimes in–I won’t take that anxiety medication. I won’t. I refuse.)

regime change


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Well…today we learned that our boss is quitting. His last day will be the 29th, and then (hopefully) he’ll be on to bigger, better things.

We don’t know yet–and might not know until the weekend before his last day–who is taking over for him, which is terrifying…there are two people he thinks it could be, but tbh…it could be anyone.

Thabet: What if they don’t replace you before the 29th?
Mike: I dunno then. I mean, they still haven’t replaced the GM at [Another Location].
Thabet: They’d just let us run without a GM? But–who’s in charge?
Me: Nobody? Nobody’s in charge?!
Thabet: Yeah! Anarchy! *tries to fist-bump me*
Me: Oh, woah. Nope. As a fascist, you know I can’t get on board with that.
Mike: That’s right. There needs to be a single authority figure, making all the decisions…

It’s occurred to us that one of the biggest possible downsides is going to be if our new boss is not amused by Thabet and I making Nazism a cornerstone of our office conversations…what else will we talk about when talking about actual work is getting to be too aggravating? D:

Still…we are pretty sad about it. Mike has his shortcomings, but he’s not a bad boss. Plus, he decided to take a chance and promote me even though I KNOW at my old theatre they thought I wouldn’t be any good as a manager because I’m not “extroverted enough”. I appreciate that.

…I’m gonna have a rough last few weeks of the year regardless of who they put in charge of us. Hiring has not gone as well as I would’ve hoped, and a few of our crew quit while we were trying to raise staff numbers…so right now, we really aren’t any better off than when we started holiday hiring.

It’s a bad situation.

Of course, I already talked to the supervisors and managers, and they’re all willing to work extra…I just don’t want to push them too hard because I know we’ll have a lot going on transitioning to a new GM who may have completely different expectations of us.

I had been resigned to the idea that I could just work all the shifts that I couldn’t find someone to fill…but now I don’t know if our new boss will even allow that. Because it’s not an ideal situation…but technically our policies say I can do that if we need coverage. Because basic day-to-day operations are the priority. *thinks*

Ugh. Ruining all my plans.

In other news…yesterday, I was listening to something on YouTube while I did paperwork, and I made the mistake of leaving it on autoplay.

This means I got treated to a neofolk cover of Barbie Girl. Which can never be un-heard. x_x”

I need to finish unpacking…


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Welp. I still haven’t unpacked three boxes from when I moved.

This isn’t a tragedy, but…I am pretty sure my bag of tea is in one of those boxes. And also the flash drive with some of my things on it that I never transferred over to my computer.

Like my reading list for 2015-2016.

I finished The Wake today, and was thinking about it and reflecting that it wasn’t one of the better ones I’d read recently….and then I realized I never made that post about the books I’d read this past year, and it’s because the first half of the list was on that flash drive. Whoops.

My next day that I don’t work is this next Thursday, so I guess I will need to make it a priority to unpack one of the boxes. Not all of them, maybe. But at least one.

In other news, I finished the first four seasons of American Horror Story. So far I’ve liked Asylum and Freak Show best, and Coven least…I may start the last season this week. Not sure though because we’re getting into real holiday season madness at work, what with Fantastic Beasts opening next weekend, and then Thanksgiving and Black Friday the following week. *shudders*

I will be exhausted, I’m sure. Maybe too much to stay up extra late and watch Netflix, eh?

Buuuut…I worked a fourteen and a seventeen hour day this past Saturday and Sunday, so I can still do it if I must. The staying awake forever thing. I was pretty wretched on Monday, I admit…but that was more from having to teach a class and speak for five hours straight with a sore on my lip where I’d bitten it, and less from the lack of sleep.

Oh, holidays…

Not excited.

Probably because I am a special snowflake who thinks they deserve holidays off. (ugh, so entitled!)

I unfriended that person. I felt bad about it, but I can’t tolerate that any more. Especially not from someone who I should think of as a friend. Friends aren’t mean-spirited like that, and I think that was true back in the “good old days” just like it is now. I think it’s something previous generations couldn’t say we just made up.

Oh well, I guess.

This special snowflake is going to rest up now, while it’s still possible to do so.