look at me over here, not really winning even when i’m winning

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Guess what I did today?

Yep. I paid my hospital bill.

Running errands today took longer than I thought it would, so I didn’t get home in time to call the medic people so I could pay them, too…but I’ll call them on Monday or something. And then, finally, it will be over.

I even managed to persuade my mom to leave the house with me for a bit, which is an accomplishment…she doesn’t like to go out much. Less even than I do…

AND I got together a gift for Jester and even restrained myself from making a card with any of the memes that Thabet and I dug up the other day:

tyrannical v day cards

lolz…
My Wolf thinks (not without some disappointment) that Jester wouldn’t find these very funny. But we found something to use that we thought he’d appreciate, and that’s alright. Better than going out and buying a card that’s too snarky or too gushy. Or too…needlessly expensive, because you can buy a whole pack of blank cards for a few dollars and then do whatever you want. I like that idea better. :D

That’s all my news for today… My one day off… *sniffle*

This weekend is going to be awful, so I’m not looking forward to it very much. One of the school districts in our area is off Friday, and then it’s Valentine’s Day weekend, and then President’s Day is Monday, so there are a lot of people who won’t have school or work then, either…

And that stupid Deadpool movie comes out tomorrow night. I wish I was more intimidating so it would be easier to tell off the people who are going to try and argue and wheedle and bully me into letting them or their kids watch it without proper ID or a guardian. *sets them all on fire*

That’s mean. I shouldn’t think about setting people on fire.

MAYBE IF THEY WERE LESS ENTITLED, I COULD BE COOL ABOUT IT. *gasp!*

Just kidding. I couldn’t be cool about it. Not since I had to tell that dad I’d call the police if he didn’t stop arguing with me and leave my theatre. *growls*

Anyway, it is my wish that you all have a pleasant weekend, since I shall not.
(Jeez, you’d think I’d be happier about my lot, having gotten the accident nonsense settled…holidays at work just suck the goodness out of everything, I guess.)

Cheers.

entitlement

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So, this has been bothering me all day. And since it gives me a chance to not post about work for once, I figured I would bring it here and get some other views on it.

My fiancé’s mom posted something today that really bothered me. This picture.

Now, before you jump on this and say, “but she’s right!” or “this is exactly what I want to say to so many people!”, let me explain why I am bothered.

It strikes me as a deeply philosophical statement. But I have trouble seeing it as saying anything good about the worldviews that she aligns with. Or, even most typical lines of thought.

If we were to strip it down to a literal meaning of the natural world owing you nothing, and of survival of the fittest…well, then it’s kind of true. Except that if you just happen to be more fit–healthier, more clever, in a better situation as far as resources–then by virtue of that statement, you’re entitled to survive and maybe even succeed and thrive. That can change in a flash, sure, but by being naturally superior, an organism gets more opportunities to live.

If we don’t try to strip it down to nature and the elements, and we assume that other people are involved, then it makes even less sense. Because what separates people from most of nature? A) language, B) increasingly complex tools to manipulate the environment, and C) a certain willingness to care for those members of the species–and of other species, even–who cannot necessarily contribute in any meaningful way.

Well. If we don’t owe anything to those who are helpless, then why bother? They’re not contributing, right? Like…do parents owe it to newborns and young children to care for them? The kids didn’t decide to be born, did they? That was someone else’s decision. And at what point then do children no longer owe their parents anything? When they get too old to work or care for themselves? No. I think that to a degree, familial responsibility means that you do owe someone your care, and that you are entitled to receive care from your family…

Now, can you do terrible things to your family that may absolve them from obligations to care for you? Probably. But barring that sort of thing…come on. Family is the most basic unit of human society. You have certain obligations to one another simply because you exist.

What about other human social institutions? Work, maybe?

Well, in that case, I really am owed something or am entitled to certain things. Because we made an agreement when they hired me. I would fulfill certain obligations in exchange for certain rewards–money, insurance, investments, etc (in my case, free movies as well).

Or…what about society at large? Say I am a citizen of a this country or that one. We also have an agreement that is either understood by me as I grow up and learn things, or that I agree to when I immigrate and become a citizen by choice. Said country offers me certain protections and rights, and in return, I agree to abide by its laws or to participate directly in this or that manner.

Even here on good old WordPress, I am expected to do certain things–write posts, visit other people’s pages, comment on other posts–if I want other users to interact with me so that I am not just speaking into the void.

So…I guess, on one hand she’s totally right: you rarely ever get something for nothing at all. But at the same time…if nobody owes anyone anything, you have such a tremendous breakdown of interactions that you can’t have a society, and you can’t have a job, and you can’t have a family because you yourself don’t have a sense of that obligation to others, and…well, as that blank page makes clear, even if you did your part and hoped for the best, nobody owes you a damned thing.

That sounds awfully nihilistic. In the worst sense. Like…what is the point of anything? If at no point I can expect to be given my due by my family or by employer or my government, then why should I myself give anything to any of these institutions?

Even in the situation of “survival of the fittest”, the fittest and brightest individuals don’t get counted as successful without mates or offspring. And that means, again, looking out for the well being of others and owing them something (and, in the situation of the mate or offspring, being entitled to another’s care).

I don’t know…it just upsets me because I think she is being really unclear about what exactly she’s posting about. I can see lots of scenarios where one could say that an individual is owed nothing, or is entitled to nothing because they didn’t do their part to uphold the relationship, regardless of the type of relationship we’re talking about…but to say it as just a blanket truth is really upsetting.

You can’t mean that, can you? Because the moment you make this statement, then you must see that, conversely, you are owed nothing by anyone else.

And it upsets me because she and Jester’s dad are Christian…and how can you be a Christian and say that? Surely you would believe that others are entitled (and I’m going with the strictest possible viewpoint of Christians who actually seem to hate nonChristians) to hear the gospel? Even if you don’t think you owe them your help or your love, then you at least owe them the chance to hear what you believe…right? Or, in a kinder variation…all people are entitled to a certain amount of kindness and respect because God made them…………….right?

I don’t know. I spent the majority of my life in Catholic and Christian schools and the sort of churchy society that goes with that…and it bothers me that someone who supposedly is a part of that circle of thought would say such a thing. (Okay. If we want to make religion sound really bad, couldn’t you say that humans are entitled to suffer for their sins? That still fits within the definition of entitlement!)

I think that maybe…maybe she means this is her personal attitude towards, say…people like Jester and me. That frightens me a little. I’d rather die than have to ask her for help so that she doesn’t slap something like that in our faces. But, on the other hand…that does give us a free pass if they ever need our help, doesn’t it? (No, because my conscience wouldn’t be able to stand it.)

And then there’s this:
I interned at a radio station my last year of college, and some of the station staff are my facebook friends…about a week and a half ago, one of them posted a meme about how people in their twenties being entitled brats who can’t do anything themselves.

I looked for the picture, and I can’t find it…I think he took it down…but just do a search for memes about “entitled millennials” if you want a visual aid.

I commented that this was a rude thing to generalize about, and we had a little bit of back and forth about it…but…I don’t know. I’m 28 now, and I’ve spent the entirety of my 20s hearing about how entitled, yet completely undeserving all twenty-somethings are. It’s very disheartening. I don’t think I’m particularly entitled…I want certain things and I want my life to be a certain way–but who doesn’t? And I’m trying very hard to make this happen so that I can no longer be accused of not taking care of myself…just…circumstances all throughout my 20s have not been particularly favorable for that outcome.

…I’m extremely grateful, by the way, to have a family that doesn’t subscribe to the idea that they “owe me nothing”, because if they had booted me out of the house when I turned 18, I wouldn’t have my degree and I wouldn’t’ve had my first junky car (I didn’t learn to drive until I was 23), and I wouldn’t’ve had the means to care for myself and ultimately make my bid for a more independent adulthood. My life would be a lot different and a lot less satisfying and more precarious than it already is. And it upsets me to think that because I happen to fall into the twenty-something age range, that seems to mean to older adults that I just don’t try and expect things to be given to me for no reason.

It’s upsetting. So upsetting. Which is why I’ve been thinking about it all day. And which is also why I keep telling myself that I’d rather die than have a child…because what if it is obnoxiously entitled? Or worse…what if it thinks that because the world owes it nothing, that it owes nothing in return?

drafted

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I got drafted again to work at one of our other locations, and I was only supposed to be there for a few hours…but…the team for that building didn’t show up to close until after their doors were locked. Wth.

So I only got one day off this week. That’s rude.

I have a life, too, you know. Even if it does consist of just a lot of driving back and forth across town to see Jester, or sitting around at home reading or waiting for people to email me back about the wedding. (Or sleeping. Think of all the sleep I’m missing out on!)

Stupid.

Oh well. I guess I shall try to not complain so that my boss will continue to have a good opinion of me. But still…it’s nice to be asked instead of simply assigned to work an extra day.

Also…subject change. We got another manager at my building last week.
Brandi and I worked together at my old theatre–well, actually…all the managers at my current theatre worked at the old one together…it’s weird–but despite everyone having known me for a decent amount of time, and knowing what I really sound like, nobody has mentioned the really subtle fake accent I’ve been cultivating at work over the past year.

I’ve been working really hard to do one that’s not going to be obnoxious when I try to have conversations, but still allows me to quietly entertain myself…and I was beginning to despair that anybody would ever say anything to me about it…but we were talking about something the other day, and Brandi was like, “aww, that’s one of the things I missed about working with you–getting to hear the different accents.”

Finally! *triumph*
I’m pleased that someone noticed. And I think I can take her remark to mean that it’s not coming off as too obnoxious or too fake, which is exciting, since I’ve been listening very hard and talking to myself a lot in the car to be able to do it. I’m pleased to know that other people are enjoying it so it’s not just about entertaining myself.

(Not that this abrupt change in subject means that I’ve forgotten to be grumpy about only getting one day off…no…I’m definitely still grumpy…bah! I think I shall go to bed now and be grumpy still.)

karaoke?

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We went and bought our wedding set today. Woo.

They’re sending the bands to be sized, and then I’ll pick them up later this month….pretty terrifying, eh?

In other news: Jester took me to a karaoke thing at a place across from the apartment. And then I had to try and explain to someone that I really don’t know very many popular songs…like, the tune might be familiar, but I definitely don’t know the words or the inflections.

I mean, consider this scenario from yesterday.

We were waiting to clean an auditorium after Hail, Caesar!, and watching the credits scroll through, as we usually do…and then Thabet goes: That looks like a song you’d know.

Me: What song?
Thabet: That really long, German-looking title.
Me: That’s pretty presumptu–oh, wait! I know that one though!
Thabet: What?! You’re not serious, are you?
Me: *excited* But I am!
Thabet: Which one?
Me: Varschavianka.
Thabet: What’s that?
Me: Russian. *pause* Congratulations on being present for the one time I see a song that I already know in the end credits.
Thabet: *laughs* For real?
Me: For real. We’ll listen to on when we close on Sunday.
Thabet: Right on.

Aaaaand that, comrades, is among the many reasons why I don’t do karaoke.

summons

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Finished reading my book about Death…lolz…
Now I’m reading in my old college textbooks again. And you may be asking, “um, why didn’t you sell them back?” A very good question.

You may be unfamiliar with how college textbooks make money, but a big part of it is by publishing a new anthology or revised anthology every year or every other year, and where literature is concerned, that renders your copy of the previous version useless because it has different page numbers and selections from the one your professor is building your assignments from. So I kept some of them because materials from Norton are ridiculously expensive, and they’d maybe give me three dollars back for them at the end of the year. Why not read some of the selections again, eh?

So I’m reading The Tragical History of Doctor Faustus, and remembering that I wrote maybe three papers about how much I hated the main character and why he deserved to be carried away by demons at the end…

On the upside though, I persuaded my theatre buddy to read it, which is an accomplishment, I think, since he’s not really the reading type.

…and then again, his reading it did mean that we had this conversation.

Thabet: So, he’s like, summoning demons with pentagrams and whatever, right?
Me: Something like that. Except that Mephistopheles said the real reason he appeared was because he heard Faustus praying to Satan and thought, “hey–a soul I could claim!”
Thabet: Huh. *pause* Well, I was wondering if that worked with summoning other creatures.
Me: Oh? Who are you summoning?
Thabet: Say I have to open with Don again, and he’s late. I was thinking that could be useful to summon you to open the building.
Me: Me? Why not just summon Don?
Thabet: Because he’s not an evil spirit.
Me: I’m gonna pretend to not be offended, but okay.
Thabet: Yep. I’d just take a salt shaker and make a circle of swastikas in the lobby…
Me: Omg. Well, if I ever find myself inexplicably flying through the ether against my will, then I’ll know what to expect when I arrive at work. You’d be getting a write up though.
Thabet: For the swastikas?
Me: I was going to say it was for waking me up early and summoning me to work in my jammies, but I’d probably give you a separate one for your salt vandalism.
Thabet: Aw, man…

sick day

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Alright. So things aren’t so bad, I guess. Kind of meh though, all together.

The pastor and his wife are available for our wedding date after all, and will be having an info session soon that the office person (who finally closed an email with her name so that I don’t have to ask, “oh, and who are you, btw?”) recommends we go to…

I’m going to be anxious about that though, since I’m already asking for a lot of days off and I don’t want to find out at the last minute when it is and not have enough time for us to request off from work. Bah.

The invitations aren’t going to be shipped until the 11th though, which is frustrating. I wanted to give people more time to respond, but…whatever. I’ll just have to start collecting addresses so that they can get sent off right away. Again, bah.

I missed work today because I woke up just after 9am and was in some pretty incredible pain that, over the next hour, transformed into pain and the exciting possibility of vomiting everywhere because the pain was so bad…I hate it when it does that. Like, if I’m going to vomit I’d rather just get it over with and not spend the next two hours on the edge of my seat (or bed, or trash can…) wondering if it is or isn’t going to happen. But that’s how my morning went, and it spoilt my sleep more than that nap did, and around 1130 I decided I couldn’t go to work because I didn’t know if or when it would stop…so I called my boss and he said he’d put a sick day in for me. :/

I went back to sleep around noon, and woke up at 4ish again, feeling better.

So my day was pretty awful in terms of what I did…I mean, I never even got out of bed until 6ish when I was really sure I was feeling better and could get up and move around like a human and eat food again…

And then we get to the one shining, good thing that happened.

My check arrived today from the auto insurance company, which means I have enough now to pay the bills incurred from Comrade Doctor’s suspicion that I had brain damage (I should feel better about it when I consider how that has so far been the only time anyone’s ever come to such a conclusion within minutes of meeting me…right? Right? D:) and from the medic transporters who were so nice to me even though I was freaking out about the IV.

And I even have enough left over to bump my bank account back to right around where it was before the accident and the buying a new car and the emergency surgeries for my kitty…

My Wolf has that little glittering, triumphant look in his eye.
I feel like I’ll need that when we actually go to pay the bills on Thursday…I don’t know how much people in billing tend to berate you when you pay this late at the hospital. I imagine there will be at least some berating. *winces*

But it will be over soon, yeah? That’s the important bit. And then I can focus on the next unpleasant thing that I must do. Like…taxes. Ugh.

I wrote this really long thing and then realised it sounded pretty bad when I read it back to myself, so you get this instead.

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I shouldn’t take naps so late. Because now I’m bored. Not tired (although I should definitely go to sleep so I can get up for work on time…), but not really interested in doing much else, either.

Started reading another book that I haven’t read since college…Death: A Life. It’s a ridiculous memoir of Death (as in the personification of that phenomena), drawn largely from Milton’s Paradise Lost. I remember thinking before that it would probably not be funny to anyone who hasn’t read much Renaissance/Restoration literature. Pretty sure on this second reading that I’m right.

Buuuut…as enjoyable as the story is, I got bored with the activity of reading and put it away. And then sent emails to people who haven’t gotten back to me about stuff for the wedding. Important stuff. Like, oh…the invitations that still aren’t sent, even though we have barely a hundred days (how terrifying) until the date. And whether or not the pastor and his wife are even available to, you know, preside over the ceremony.

…I’m pretty sure that if I neglected to respond to a customer in over a week, I’d be in trouble. And all I’m doing is selling movie tickets and popcorn, not, you know, delaying information or items that are important to a life-changing event for my customer. *grumpy*

What do I know.

why are dragons so special?

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Anyone ever read a book called Eragon? Boy adopts a dragon egg that was magicked to him in the middle of the woods, and then he and his blue dragon find themselves on the way to becoming the only ones who can defeat the evil king (whose dragon is black, of course)?

…it is not a good book if you’ve gotten to the point where you need more details to help you suspend your disbelief. It’s the kind of thing I always worried about if I ever managed to complete anything I’ve ever tried to write (aha, and there we have the real reason I never finish any of my stories…because I am pretty certain that it will suck).

I don’t know how I managed to get through Eragon and then also read the second book…but I couldn’t even get 100 pages in this time. Definitely getting rid of them. Which makes me a little sad, because just the idea that there are books out there that aren’t good makes me sad…but hey, maybe the used bookstore will at least give me a few dollars, since my copy of the second one is a first edition. Hm.

Also, what’s with that as a fantasy trope, anyway? Boy (usually) finds and adopts a dragon with whom he finds he has a psychic connection? How did that become a sub-category within the fantasy genre? And how come only the orphaned dragons are getting adopted? Why not the spindly unicorn foals? Fuzzy griffon cubs? Squidgy little kelpies?

All those poor mythical babies not getting adopted because they’re not dragons

Imma attribute this to other mythical creatures being grossly undervalued in the fantasy genre. It’s all, dragons this, and dragons that.

I should someday start again on that ridiculous story about the evil unicorn, Æthelred the Black…

And just try really hard to not be as bad as Eragon

jadeite

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Today should have been an alright day, buuuut I can’t feel good about it because I think I’ve reached an impasse in a conversation, and that’s ruining everything I might have felt good about…there’s just nothing I can think of to say that will make it better or please the other party.

Perhaps the problem is that I lack tact. And, I mean…I know that. Yay, self-awareness and all. But I wish I could think of the right things to say. Every once in a while.

Not saying anything isn’t seeming to work, either. One can repeat again and again “if you can’t say something nice (or that will be perceived as nice), don’t say anything at all”, but I think that is ruining it just as much.

Look at me, over here. Not winning no matter what I do. Woooooo. Exciting stuff, yeah?

*sigh*

Buuuut…I got my review at work, and I’m awesome. (As expected.) A little bit of me is like, “but I’m not awesome-awesome!”…to which I must remind myself that despite my boss’s tendency to be a little too nice, he genuinely seemed to be struggling to come up with areas where I needed to improve, the biggest one being something I already mentioned in my self-evaluation…mostly that I am not good with the business financials aspect of our job.

*pause*
Rewinding to the start of that last paragraph: is this something that other people do? You know…get really suspicious of praise? Like, where is the catch? What is it that they’re not telling you? These positive things that are being said about you are lies…aren’t they?

I have no idea why I have such a suspicious nature regarding anyone’s supposed good perceptions of me. There’s no reason for it. Not an obvious one, anyway. But yeah…maybe I should stop telling lies about myself at work, eh?

(A list of my favourite lies:
1. I never sleep.
2. I will kill you.
3. I’m awesome.
4. I cannot be killed.
See! It’s even higher up than my claim of immortality!)

I did get a little bit of gratification because apparently I had an online training course that I somehow missed. So I brought our collective score down to 99%. *gasp!*
It turns out it was the Affirmative Action course, which I swear I have taken before…and ended up with a lot of ridiculous banter from everyone else about me being a racist. *strangled noises of protest*

So I did the course and passed, which I suppose means I’m fit to continue as the hiring manager.

I did my other HR tasks too, and learned that I am not good at rationing my work. Now that we’re back into a slower season, I can’t be finishing my tasks within the first two or three hours of work…means I never have enough to keep occupied during the rest of my shift. But I did come up with some other audit-type tasks that I can do to keep busy during my weekday shifts.

*sigh*
I am just really unhappy though. Despite having an alright day. Oh well though, right? :/

This cheered me up a little though:

Anyone else ever use jadeite glassware? No? Well.

Once upon a time, when Reeser was little, our family would go on vacation to the house we inherited from my grandparents. And you know (if you have siblings) that sometimes there is a “special” thing that there is only one of, and whoever gets to use it gets that glorious moment of feeling superior to the others because you have in your possession (however temporary) that coveted “special” thing.

And we had a little jadeite bowl that was one of the most prized “special” things that we all wanted to use. Why was it special? I don’t know. Because it was pretty. And because it was actually glass, so if our parents were letting you use it, they were trusting you to not break it. And because…I don’t know…just…milk glass is just different from ceramic or clear glass, so it had a quality that none of the other dishes seemed to have. I really liked that little bowl.

And so I’ve been looking at pictures of them and thinking about that. The groundless specialness of it and how happy it made any one of us to have a turn to eat popcorn or iced cream or spaghettios out of a little green bowl.

I want to be allowed to have a little green bowl of my very own and be happy about it.

fight and bite

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wanna be me? Like…we trade or something so someone else can put up with all this stupid for a while?

I had a doctor’s appointment today that I had nightmares about last night…ruined my sleeping and kept on ruining my day because once I was there, whatever that stupid anxiety is that I have about doctors and hospitals decided to make an appearance…

I feel like it was worse than usual this time though, because the two me’s couldn’t decide how to react. The one me wants to break down and start blubbering, and swears that we’re suffocating…and the Wolf me wants to take out a fistful of the poor nurse’s long dark hair if she dares touch us again, and the small bit of me that’s trying to be rational is like, “omg, can’t you both CALM DOWN?! *to wuss me* You’re not suffocating–it’s just an arm band for blood pressure. And you, Wolf!–be nice to the nurse! She’s just trying to take your pulse.”

(I hate to admit it, but because of the nurse that was assigned to me when I had the accident–“honey, you can stop hyperventilating…you’re not really hurt”–I think I’ve developed a specific dislike of nurses with long, dark hair…they seem to be the adult form of a lot of the uppity girls I went to high school with. Not that this excuses my feeling so angry…)

Poor, rational me, beating its head on the inside of our skull. *sighs*
Meanwhile, my blood pressure and pulse are reading leaps and bounds above what they would normally be while I’m resting.

And because Wolf’s way of dealing with things isn’t okay, blubbering me is the one that gets control of my face and then has to explain our irrational fear to the doctor. *covers face* I haaaaaate that me. Even more than I hate Wolf me, because at least he is useful sometimes.

*grumbles*

I have another appointment for next month that I expect will be worse. Nightmares forever. And also the ridiculous struggle to not cry and snot all over everything…and also to not bite anyone.

It’s really just too stupid to be tolerated.

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