Tomorrow. (Technically.)

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So, I’m getting married on Friday. Technically…that’s tomorrow. Yikes.

I don’t feel particularly nervous. Just one thing I’m anxious about, but otherwise…I’m good. I think. Maybe something dramatic will happen to change it all (say, breaking an ankle whilst hiking with K tomorrow?), but I doubt it.

I’ll be gone for a week and then moving into the apartment…so it’s unlikely that I’ll be posting again for the better part of the next month. After which I will be back with stories, I’m sure.

In the mean time, here are some things I have done recently:

A) Got to work the other day and started to go in the side door because I have a key…and then saw that this tiny old man with a walker was coming down the hall and wouldn’t be able to get the door open himself. So I held it for him and waited while he slowly made his way out…and was casting about for something to occupy myself while I waited…looked at cars in the parking lot…looked at posters in the hallway…looked at the tiny old man’s hat…and the flag on the front of his walker……and, suddenly horrified, I tried to put my Nazi mug out of sight. Because I had never before run into the little old WWII vet who comes to our theatre, even though my crew talks about him sometimes…

I don’t think he noticed, but man…the bottom item on my to-do list is to actually offend people with that. Especially nice old people.

B) I got to see my friend, K. Picked her up from the airport kind of late because her flight got diverted for a medical emergency, and then they booked her on a later one…blegh. Got her checked in at her hotel, then went to my house to collect Domino and take her for a walk. Except that K took it upon herself to walk Domino once we got to the park…I’m surprised at how anxious that made me, even though K’s grown up with dogs and, of our dogs, Domino is the most well-behaved for walking…it was fine, of course. I was just anxious because someone else was walking my dog. (Probably if I ever become a parent, nobody else is going to be allowed to hold that child. …Probably.)

We also went to a restaurant I’d only been to one other time, and which I should really have enjoyed but couldn’t because I was getting sick at the time… turns out Hofbräuhaus is pretty excellent when one isn’t sick. Mostly because nobody is willing to make potato pancakes or strudel for me, but I can get both of them there. *so happy*

Tomorrow we are going hiking, so that should be nice. Not raining and not too hot. I just need to be careful not to get sunburnt while we’re out. Because when one doesn’t have the friends (or personality) to have a bachelor/bachelorette party, this is the sort of thing one does instead…maybe I will try to get the rest of my people together for iced cream or something tomorrow evening…? *shrugs* Idk what kids like to do these days.

C) I need to know…has anyone ever had crème de violette? I like flower-tasting things, so I have been looking into gins (leaning toward a rose-based one) and flower-flavoured liquors, but while I know people who can describe different gins, I don’t know anyone who’s ever actually had the violet liquor. I’d like to get some and try my hand at creating a flower-drink…I just want to get an opinion from someone, first.

D) Oh, and my last post–it took me a while to remember why we were talking about Satan, but it was because of Friday the 13th. Thabet and I were speculating that Satan would try and throw us off because we’d be expecting all the bad things to happen…so he’d save them for the next day…That prediction turned out to be true, but since we opened, we both narrowly missed the awful stuff that happened at the theatre that evening.

It was nice to not have to deal with awful stuff for a change.

This is all for now. Got some laundry to put away, then I’ll read a few pages and go to bed. And then get married. Tomorrow.

Cheers.

*dies*

today we are going to hell

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Thabet: Yeah, Satan and I were Facebook official for a while.
Me: Ha!
Thabet: No, wait! Ugh, I don’t know why I just said that! *to the heavens* I’d like to retract that statement.
Me: You do just kind of blurt stuff out, don’t you?
Thabet: *ashamed* Yeah…
Me: I can say something worse.
Thabet: Oh yeah?
Me: Absolutely. About juice.
Thabet: Juice?
Me: Let’s say it’s orange.
Thabet: Okay, sure. Orange juice.
Me: Ask me if it’s fresh.
Thabet: Is this orange juice fresh squeezed?
Me: Psh, no. *fake German accent* We prefer our juice concentrated.
Thabet: Wha–OH! Jews!
Me: Yep. Definitely going to hell.
Thabet: I think you just earned a fast pass.
Me: Wow, thanks.
Thabet: Der Führer would be proud.
Me: Think maybe I could get a heil five?
Thabet: Ha!

In other news: at this time next week, I’ll be married. How weird is that?

huh, I guess college wasn’t a total waste

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I must be getting stupid. Here I am, stressing about how to make sure the sound guy at the church starts the music at the right spot for us to exit after the ceremony…and then there it is, the most obvious solution..!

I can just edit the music myself. Duh.
I love audio editing–how on earth did I not think of it sooner??

*snips the first three minutes off the track so that it starts at a good part, adds a fade-in effect to hide the snipping…done!*

I’m so full of good ideas.

(This post has been brought to you by Wolf-me, who is very pleased with himself for being so useful…)

defeatism

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Here is how my day went:

1. Jester called and we talked about moving…and we can’t move after all. He went to talk to the people at the apartment office again, and they finally decided maybe they should mention that they raised rent at the units they’ve refurbished, and we can’t afford it. I’m extremely displeased. Oh well, I guess.

2. The flowers arrived today. The ones for the bridesmaids are fine. But mine are not orange. No…they’re red. Which is what I spent all of February going back and forth with the lady about…about wanting the correct colour and making sure she had it… welp. I guess not. *throws hands up* Maybe I’ll use them anyway and make a point about how much I cannot be bothered to care anymore at this point.

3. I was late for a doctor’s appointment because they shut down the road literally as I was preparing to turn onto it…little guy was putting out little cones and waving us all the opposite direction. Ugh.

4. Doctor’s appointment was not pleasant.

5. I got another letter from those incompetent people at the hospital where Comrade Doctor treated me. They were reminding me to pay my bill, which I bloody have! I paid in February! Sooo…I called the woman from their attorney’s office and felt bad because I was using my mean voice to talk to her…I guess they sent the letter because they didn’t have a contact phone number for me and apparently they’re stupid and determined this was the best way to ensure that I called them. *facepalms with a brick* They’re going to figure it out. I told her they would. This isn’t my fuckup to sort out…it’s on them. *rage*

6. My cat got me to punch myself in the face.

So, yeah. Everything is awful.
And I suppose I would be feeling more ragey, but I feel too tired. Like, not sleepy-tired…more the mental kind of tired where one simply hasn’t got the energy to put into being angry. And Wolf-me is being sensible for once, and realizes that we aren’t going to get to rest or sleep in or anything much for the next ten days. So…mustn’t waste time on infernos of destructive feelings…instead must conserve all that fire…little, steady flames that can go for that long without consuming all things…

We’ll see how long that lasts.

(Also, who are you who keeps doing Google searches and ending up here? I see you, you know. I just don’t know what you’re looking for that’s bringing you here.)

moving……?

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This isn’t going according to my plans.
First it was that we would move in June, right after the wedding.
Then it was going to be mid-June, when a different unit was available.
Now maybe it will be late June/early July because I guess it takes forever to get a unit refurbished for new tenants…?

That’s around a month that I’ll be living out of a bag and waiting to get my things moved from my parents’ house.

*smashes face on desk*

It wouldn’t piss me off so much if it weren’t for the fact that the other managers have vacations already scheduled, and that last week of June/first week of July is absurdly busy…I really can’t be waiting until the last minute to find out when we have to move because I have to request my days off so that maybe I will at least get a day or two…

*frustrated*

making myself sad

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I finally saw the new Captain America with Jester. And I made a terrible mistake, leaving him to talk with our staff for half an hour…I don’t know what they talked about, but when I finally finished work and went to collect him from the bartop, he was also heiling me. *facepalms*
It was a pretty good evening, and I was feeling pretty good about things up until the moment I sat down to write this post.

Because of a very brief exchange I had with my boss last week before the movie released.

Me: I’m kind of looking forward to this movie.
Mike: Really?
Me: Yeah…Cap is my favourite Avenger.
Mike: You know he’s very anti-fascist, right?
Me: I know…

I’m pleased (well…slightly uneasy, actually) to report that the constant remarks about fascism and Nazism no longer phase me…but I was thinking about my assessment that this character is “one of my favourites”. Why would I say that? I’m not particularly big on comics or superheroes (although I like to watch the movies because they’re entertaining and I get to see them for free), but still…every time we talk about superheroes at work and bully each other into picking a favourite or naming one that we particularly admire, I usually pick Captain America (except for that one time at my old theatre when I made the mistake of saying that I liked Nightcrawler, and then got laughed out of the office).

But…I was thinking about why I would have answered that, as unversed in the superhero universes as I am…and…I think it’s because despite every superhero movie being about bonds between family and friends and loved ones…I think the movie adaptations of Captain America tapped into this idea I’ve always had about how hard one should strive to be a good friend, and that’s stuck with me about this character. Steve is a loyal friend, and I’ve always thought that was one of the best qualities a person could have…that unswerving loyalty.

I am not a good friend though. And that makes me sad.
I’ve known for a long time that my personality can be kind of monstrous…but until today I don’t think I have ever asked myself so bluntly, “am I a bad friend?”

I think I am. I don’t try very hard anymore, and I haven’t in some time. Probably because I tried too hard and got so discouraged when I realized that the friend I’ve cared most about really didn’t need my friendship very much…so…yeah. How does one recover from that? By trying to make a new friend and immediately allowing something genuinely awful to happen to that person, of course. That’s what I did, and it just made it all worse.

And she doesn’t know, but I think all the time about how I could have stopped it happening and I didn’t do a damned thing even though I knew…I wish I didn’t try so hard to not know things…
I think all the time about how I could have done things differently with both of them. All the time. But they don’t know. How does one tell anyone such things?

One doesn’t, of course. One never speaks of it at all. And eventually, it doesn’t even enter into one’s thoughts…until, watching a movie, that little voice whispers in the ear, you are not a very good friend.

And there isn’t time for such thoughts, so you write a little about it and shrug it off. Save for later, when you are feeling good again and need something to bring you back down, I suppose.

And speaking of friends…I’ve finally had a dream that I’ve remembered. An upsetting dream. But not upsetting like they usually are, with monsters trying to catch me, rubber ducks throwing grenades at me, or inexplicable excursions to Russia. No, instead I received a phone call in this dream.

My ex’s dad called me, and drunkenly tried to explain to me that I mustn’t get married…that my ex made a terrible mistake, and should not have dumped me. And then his mother and brother visited me and also tried to explain to me that it was all just a big misunderstanding…he never actually appeared in this dream, and I suppose that adds another, special kind of upset to the dream.

I was extremely uncomfortable with it, of course, mostly because none of these people has spoken to me in over five and a half years…and also because Jester’s parents are having a cookout at their house for our rehearsal dinner, and the day after I had this dream, my sisters decided to be trolls and ask me again and again if they’d be expected to drink beer and eat potato salad (key items served at gatherings with my ex’s family), until I finally snarled at them that this is a different family entirely and to stop being so stupid…

It’s like they knew I had this dream and just wanted to rub it in.

But you know what? That whole mess is one more example of a friend that I was sad to lose. Because as much as we should not have been considering getting married, we were good friends. And I really tried to keep us friends…but he couldn’t cope with his life, much less with trying to be my friend after we broke up.

It’s always made me sad to think that he didn’t even try.

*sigh*
And there we go with trying again. It makes me wonder if perhaps I am making someone sad because I don’t try harder. But like me, they don’t say anything. They just stay sad when I go and go and don’t speak to them or, you know…try.

It’s like…here is a thing about me that I am significantly embarrassed by: I need to constantly play games of pretend with myself so that I can try to do or be anything. I can’t just be me because either I get frustrated and conclude that I don’t know what that even is, or…all I can see is the darkness or the fire, and one mustn’t be only those things that are awful…instead, one must find things to admire or model on in little ways to figure out how to be better or to change one’s behaviour.

It’s very hard to be so filled with self-doubt that you cannot see yourself as having good qualities unless you are mimicking what you saw as admirable elsewhere in hopes that maybe the mimicry will cause the qualities to actually take hold in your personality and then–then you will have a quality which makes you worthwhile as a person.

And that brings me to this wedding business. Because, omg…I’m getting married in 10 days.

It’s too terrifying to be borne, so naturally, I have not thought too deeply about it or I will embarrass myself and panic. I mustn’t do that.
But…I also don’t even know how to think about it. Because…what other life milestone is like it? Graduating high school or university? No. Because that phase of your life was always going to end eventually. A new job or new location? No. Because those faces at work might change from day to day, or you may get sent elsewhere…it’s all very circumstantial. But getting married is changing who your family is. And that all sounds very scary to me.

It is probably different for people who do not get along with their families, but I get along with mine alright. It is terrible for me to think of the drifting apart from friends, but to think that this would also happen with my family is unthinkable. Yes, my work and sleep patterns make it so I don’t get to actually interact with them a lot…but…they know me.

It’s strange and upsetting to imagine that they will continue on and perhaps not even miss me very much.

And there is always the looming terror I feel whenever I consider money. What if we can’t take care of ourselves? What will we do? Ask for help? (I’d rather die.)

I don’t know. I suppose…I shall just have to let it all happen and hope for the best…try very hard to recall all the things I did to try and teach myself not to react to feeling upset. Because I’d also rather die than embarrass myself by having feeeeeelings. *vomits*

Sometimes I wish my Wolf self would take into consideration the rest of our human feelings…he gets these notions that things will be simple, and then I believe him, but they don’t turn out that way very often, do they? No. No, they don’t.

Instead, I will try to look forward to K visiting me, and then taking time off work and going on a vacation with Jester. Those are things about which I can at least imagine how to feel. Easy things. Things that are familiar because I have already done them.

One thing at a time, yeah?

And now…I will post this and read some more of For Whom The Bell Tolls, and marvel that I actually like Hemingway’s novels. And maybe even listen to some of my march songs because after all this thinking and making myself sad…I want to pretend to be happy. Because those songs sound so happy, and even though I know deep down that they aren’t, it’s good enough to fool me. Even Wolf me is fooled. Even Wolf cannot be bothered that she’s crying because you are probably dead. Even Wolf me is almost happy.

i forgot about my laundry again

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A conversation I never guessed I would be having–

Me: How many times must I say it–do NOT heil me in the lobby!
Thabet: Aw, come on!
Me: You disappoint me. Now shh.
Thabet: What?
Me: Hush. We’re being quiet now so you can reflect on what you did wrong.
*we count cash in silence*
Thabet: …I’ll be honest. You sound way more disappointed in your fake German accent. I actually feel like I did a bad thing.
Me: Shhhh, Comrade Thabet–we’re reflecting, remember? In silence.
Thabet: …I won’t do it again.

*sigh* What am I gonna do with this kid?

…we listened to a bunch of different march music blocks on youtube the last couple of closes we worked together. He seems to like the Soviet ones, but I haven’t found a lot to enjoy there…they’re too serious for me. I even agreed to listen to a block of American marches, but we didn’t make it through most of that one either.

Thabet: Oh, I thought you were doing paperwork still.
Me: I finished it. Also, I had to leave the office because Yankee Doodle came on and I got angry.
Thabet: *laughs* I forgot about that song!

Omg I haaaaate Yankee Doodle! *stops up ears*
And I don’t like Stars and Stripes Forever. Or Anchors Aweigh…I kind of like When Johnny Comes Marching Home, but that was the only one I recognized that I was like, you know, this song is pretty tolerable.
It didn’t appear in the block we were listening to, but I guess I’ve always kind of liked the To Arms in Dixie march…it probably wasn’t in that block because it’s a Confederate song. *considers* I always pick the bad ones, I guess.:/

Although I felt less bad when we listened to the instrumental tracks in the block of German marches that I like, and not even halfway through he was like, “but…wait…I know some of these songs!”

It’s nice to know that someone else finds them inexplicably familiar…and I know it’s not because of me, because as often as I’ve listened to them, I haven’t actually persuaded anyone else to listen to these songs with me until now…

(Psst…I forgot again that I put laundry in hours ago…I should be asleep already, but it isn’t done yet… ugh… Well, tomorrow I will write about something different and not related to work or nonsense. Like the wedding, which is in 13 days…)

…Imma close with another bad decision I made: chocolate covered espresso beans.

i didn’t start this with the intention of it being all work-related rage

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Ugh. This wedding is really soon…

You know what I need that I’ve forgotten all about until around nowish? A little bit of each of the following, I think.

*stress
*anxiety
*terror

On the upside, I learned that letting a chewable Pepto-Bismol tablet dissolve in my mouth over the course of an hour really, really helped with the chemical burn feeling in my throat.

Like…you know how it is when you accidentally get a lungful of strong cleaning agents, or burning plastic, and your throat feels…weird? That feeling has been a contributing factor with this absurd cough of mine (although I can’t think of when I might’ve done either of those things to get the burned-throat feeling in the first place), so it’s nice to know that Pepto can be used for something other than its intended purpose…

My cough is still pretty horrible, of course. And I’ve been stewing all weekend about some things that happened at work on Thursday with one of the supervisors straight up lying to me and leaving a labor intensive task completely undone for me to discover at the end of a night where I was feeling like poop, and then had to complete myself…and at an evaluation our theatre got from a corporate person who was unduly harsh about me even after my boss explained to him that I was sick and hadn’t really been prepped for an evaluation because the corporate guy was, like, 6 hours behind schedule when he showed up at our theatre.

*rage*

Idk. Mike says not to worry about him, but I was still livid. It’s not fair that I have to be feeling like shit and then have my employees lying to me and then have someone from corporate putting in official documents that the “manager on duty” was unavailable during prime business rounds when–oh, I almost forgot about this part–he specifically told each of my crew NOT TO TELL ME HE WAS IN THE BUILDING.

Wtf kind of ploy is that? Am I playing some sort of corporate hide-and-seek where if I find him I get good marks? I’ve never actively loathed someone from our company who wasn’t a theatre-level employee, but this guy…come on.

Oh, and just for the record, the “prime business hour” he referred to was from about 745-9, and I was on the floor up until a few minutes after 8pm, and then I decided that because we had only 4 shows during 8pm, and none of them had more than 20 guests, PLUS a time gap from 820-845 where there were no starts at all, that this was the ideal time to try and force myself to eat dinner. And none of my crew told me that was a bad idea. Because he fucking told them not to tell me. That bastard. *rages*

I can’t blame them though. I probably would have a hard time disobeying a direct request from one of our corporate reps.

Maybe he forgets that in our particular industry, and in our particular state, and because of the way our management system is structured company-wide, I don’t get to take a scheduled break, so I have to use my best judgment to figure out when is a good time to eat, and then if I guess wrong, I have to be willing to drop what I’m doing and go back to assist with floor operations and potentially not get another chance to eat before my shift is either over or operating hours are over and my attention shifts to cash handling and paperwork, which can take anywhere from 1-4 hours to complete without my having to try and eat while I complete those tasks.

*sigh*
I know these are extraneous details to everyone here, but I tell you to illustrate that I am at least mad for a real reason this time, and don’t feel like my thought that this guy hates me is entirely unfounded…

And then my underling lying to me (and complaining about me about another thing she lied about, as I later learned), and then having to do lots of heavy lifting while I was thinking hard about calling off the next day because I felt so bad…it’s just all too much at once.

I’m surprised I’ve made it so many days without mentioning it to anyone.

Anyway. Bed now.

some conversations

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Fiance’s mom: Have you thought about what you’ll do for wedding favors?
Me: Idk. Probably little pieces of my soul cut into heart shapes… j/k. I was thinking about bubble bottles or something lame.

She didn’t text me back for a few hours after that. Perhaps I said the wrong thing? x_x”

*Thabet and I are talking about one of our company’s slightly dumber policies*
Thabet: That’s so dumb!
Me: I know.
Thabet: How can you stand it?!
Me: I don’t make the policies. I only uphold them.
Thabet: Still…!
Me: On the bright side, it’s one less decision I have to make. It’s already been made for me. Making decisions is awfully stressful.
Thabet: I guess that’s true.
Me: And who couldn’t use less stress in their lives? It’s so nice to not have to make tough decisions.
Thabet: Yeah, it is.
Me: *pause* Would you say that making choices is hard for most people?
Thabet: I suppose I’d say so. *nods* Yeah.
Me: It’s so hard to know what the right thing to do is. There’s a lot of information to consider. Most peasants aren’t cut out for it.
Thabet: Heh, peasants. *pause* That’s true though.
Me: So you tell your peasants to join the cause. Maybe they’ll even like it more than they liked being peasants, right?
Thabet: Maybe they would…
Me: So, because it’s less stressful to be told what to do and let someone else make all the difficult decisions, and because we know that most of us aren’t well-informed enough to make very good decisions, this is why fascism isn’t so bad.
Thabet: Woah, what?!
*I laugh*
Thabet: I didn’t think this was where the conversation was going.
Me: I thought you were getting suspicious. About the peasants.
Thabet: I thought it was a metaphor.

(And just because I never know what visitors to this blog are thinking, I want to be clear that this conversation is just me being a troll…I don’t actually think “fascism isn’t so bad”.)

In other news, I feel less death-like than I have the past few days. Woo.

this is the worrrrrrst -_-

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List of fashionable Victorian-era items currently in my possession:

– corset
– pocket watch
– lace gloves
– long cape
– fountain pen
– consumptive sounding cough

My cough was tolerable, but as of Monday it’s gotten a helluva lot worse. And I feel terrible, but I don’t really have the money to go to the doctor right now, so maybe it will get better on its own, yeah?:/

Cough suppressants–even the strong ones–aren’t living up to their claims, and the expectorant isn’t bringing up much of anything, so tomorrow I’ll try something with an antihistamine in it instead of codeine, and see if maybe it’s some freak allergy onset…

It’s awful. I don’t want to do anything. Not eat. Not read. Not listen to music. Definitely not go to work or see friends or go with Jester to the court house to secure a marriage license….although I did all of those things yesterday and today…

The only thing I have done between yesterday and today that I enjoyed even a little was sit on the couch with Jester and one of the dogs and do nothing.

I really need to get better by Monday so my mom doesn’t bully me into going to the doctor. And so I can see a friend. And so I can get some packing done and enjoy the last few days before Captain America comes out and starts our spring/summer season at the theatre…

*sighs*
*starts coughing uncontrollably*
*regrets sighing*
*publishes post and goes to lie down and be miserable*

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