what a terrible work week


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Well…that didn’t go quite like I’d anticipated, buuuuut having not posted about any of the things I was thinking about in my last post means I’ll still have ideas for a day when I am bored and am sitting around with a lot of extra time to kill (lol…so never, actually).

I haven’t really had much time for anything enjoyable lately…because we’re having a mass exodus of employees at Movie Funtimes USA, which means that for the last 2.5 weeks before school is back in session (which, incidentally, is the reason for all of our employees quitting…because of school), we haven’t had enough employees to cover all of the needed shifts.

That sucks for me because I write our crew schedule, and I spent a lot of time pleading and wheedling and bribing the supervisors and the other managers to work crew shifts. Just on my own, I worked three double shifts, but the worst one was this past Sunday.

I was at the theatre for just over 17 hours. And that was after a sleep of only 4 hours the night before. And to make it all even better, our popper broke down the night before, so we had no way to make our own popcorn and every manager and supervisor who was in that day had to make a trip down to another one of our locations to get popcorn from them and bring it back in giant bags…

By the end of the night, everything hurt and I was SO tired. It was probably the worst non-holiday shift I have ever worked at this theatre.
Although really the whole weekend was pretty crap, because 2 of our AC units broke down and also on Thursday night we had a midnight show of Suicide Squad that didn’t start and led to a long chain of nonsense that had us at the theatre until after 4am.

…we have this “Stars” system where our crew can earn a “star” for going above and beyond their normal duties–cleaning up poo or vomit, dealing with exceptionally angry guests, helping with other unusual circumstances, etc–and then they can trade stars for free concession items or, if they earn 50+ stars, they can request a gift card to the place of their choosing. Thabet and I gave stars to everyone who worked concession Saturday night and Sunday, and that resulted in the following conversation.

Thabet: So who are we giving stars to again?
Me: Everyone who was concession on Saturday night and Sunday.
Thabet: Dang, that’s a lot of stars.
Me: Oh, and give one to Kurt for locking the doors for us on Thursday.
Thabet: I feel like Oprah. *points* You get a star! *points* And you get a star! You all get a star!
Me: Oprah, huh?
Thabet: Yeah. You know, like how she gives away cars.
Me: Heh.
Thabet: What?
Me: I’m going to hell, that’s what.
Thabet: Why this time?
Me: Oh. Because Nazi Oprah. ‘You get a star! And you get a star! All the Jews get stars!’
Thabet: Oh my god, that’s terrible! *cracks up*
Me: Yep. *lays face down on paperwork* I’m the worst.
Thabet: Naw, you’re just tired.
Me: …do you think that if der Führer is amused, I can to earn extra sleep rations?
Thabet: Aww. I wouldn’t count on it.

On the other hand…some good news…
I went with my boss and another manager and GM from the theatre that was helping us out with popcorn, and we did a peer audit of a theatre in a different city…easiest day ever. No responsibility for floor operations, and half the day spent in the car anyway…but even this one trip has apparently helped my cred. with some of the other GMs in our market and with my boss’s boss, who has heretofore had a pretty low opinion of me.

Even though Mike is going out of his way to help me out here, that still didn’t stop him from bringing my fake theatre persona into the mix…I blame him for the portion of the car ride where the discussion turned to “origins of the swastika symbol”. Despite the above conversation, it wasn’t me this time. I swear. x_x”

Anyway…I’m gonna be gone again for a while. Waiting on my youngest sister to arrive so we can go out of town for a few days and I won’t have to think about popcorn at all.

And also…I found my earbuds while packing. And I am wearing my wrist spikes for the first time again in yeeeeeears. Woot.
*such excite!*


so many legs…


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Brandi: I knocked my phone into the trash the other night and didn’t realize it. I thought a pen fell in or something, but when I started getting my things together to go home, I couldn’t find it, so I called from the theatre and there it was–ringing trash can.
Me: At least your ringer is usually on. I’ll never find mine if I try and call it because it’s always in vibrate mode.
Blair: Same.
Me: I’ll just have to post “Lost” signs…”if you find an offensive-looking phone, please contact…”
Blair: Your phone is blue and green though. How is that offensive?
Me: Nooo. I broke that case. So I got a new one. *plunks the phone on the counter, grammar-eagle side up, and Blair and Brandi laugh*
Brandi: Where did you even get that?
Me: This website I like. I had a coupon, so it was a birthday gift to me.
Blair: A coupon? For that?
Brandi: What, like, visit heil-Hitler dot com and enter code 3REICH to claim a special offer..?
Blair: *cracking up*
Me: *faceplants on counter* Omg.

So, there’s that. Also, me trying to eat frozen pie…

Me: This fork is not living up to my expectations. *pause* Or maybe the pie is just too frozen.
Thabet: You’re eating frozen pie with a plastic fork? Yeah, that’s not gonna work out. *watches me struggle* You could always use Don’s peanut-butter knife.
Me: Heck no! Does it ever even get washed? I don’t think so. It just sits on that shelf, out in the open. In an office with house centipedes.
Thabet: Yeah. That’s true. *long pause* I bet they love that knife.
Me: Oh?
Thabet: Yeah…eating peanut butter residue…dancing complicated little tap dances…curling up with their little centipede children at night…
Me: That settles it. I can’t use the knife–not if I’d be destroying a home and displacing a family.
Thabet: Really? Where’s the old Nazi enthusiasm for destroying the lives of vermin?
Me: OMG.
Thabet: Too far?
Me: Probably.
*long pause*
Me: That and… *in a quiet, fearful voice* well…things are not like they used to be before the radiation. These days they just have so many legs… *shudder*
Thabet: *cracks up*

k is for…something, I guess


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Whew. I wanted to post something tonight…a lot of leftover thoughts rattling around in my head…

But I said to myself, “nah…let’s catch up on reading first. The next book on our list is a graphic novel, so that shouldn’t be too difficult…”

And it wasn’t, but whew…so much to look at. It’s exhausting.

*Note* I tried to spell “catch” with a K just now, and couldn’t understand why it was being marked for spelling. I’m definitely tired. My spelling and grammar functions are damaged.😦

On the bright side, I did get through book I of the graphic novel. (Yes, a two book novel! Ah!)
I’ll just have to figure out whether I want to power through part II tomorrow night, or just get through a portion of it and do something else with my time before bed.

Like emptying out some of those thoughts.
A survey of them:

– My banged-up car (which I still have not shown you)
– A thing I keep thinking when I see managers at other businesses
– A thing about Pokémon Go
– The weird progression of my musical tastes…I was asking myself again how exactly I got to where I am now with music, and it was an amusing question to try and answer. It would have a lot of pictures, if I ever get to making that a post

Maybe I should set a goal for myself, eh? None of these is a pressing matter, but I feel like I have a good deal to say about each one, and I’ve been sitting on these ideas for some time…
And there are four. I could do one a week and have them done in a month.

Maybe I can.
We’ll see.



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I have a lot of things to say today.

Or…for a few days, really. Not necessarily these specific things, but…I have felt very talkative without anyone to say the words to.

Of course, that’s why this exists. So I can speak into the void.

First though, I finished re-reading that book, Spies. And I did miss a scene on my first reading.
I must’ve stopped paying attention at the wrong time–been looking out the giant windows at planes taking off, once it was finally light enough to see. Except that the Seattle clouds made it look like they went up a little way, then disappeared because the clouds were so low. The planes never made it properly into what you would think of as “the sky”. Weird.

But I think that was how I missed the scene that explained why one thing happened and not another.

And really…without ever calling forth any tears…it’s a terribly sad book. Tragic in the classical sense of the word, where all the bad things happen because of miscommunication and characters falling prey to their personal flaws.

Second, this book had kind of led me to think a certain way about my own family…and I confess that’s not always a good thing to do…but…when I read it the first time, I felt like there were certain quirks and bizarre similarities between my family and this one…

And one of the plot devices in the book is terminal illness, and concealing it. And…I have a terrible, terrible feeling that I have had ever since the wedding. Because as far as I can recall, my dad’s health has been iffy for over half my lifetime. But my mom’s always been alright until the last year or so. And she keeps going back to the doctor for tests. And more tests. And I usually don’t find out until after the fact, or I’m told when I announce that I’m coming for a visit, and my parents text me that they’ll be out because my mom “has an appointment”, but that my sister and the dogs will be home.

Jester asked me if I really have to visit them every week. Of course I don’t. Nobody is making me go across the city to visit. But I like to. I have not had as much practice at being away from or ignoring my family as he has, given he’s been away from his for roughly 11 of the last 12 years, and I have been away from my family for less than two months. They annoy me, naturally, but I am accustomed to seeing them and their absence is strange to me. Not all sentimental and missing them, but…it seems wrong to be without them.

But–and I don’t think he realizes how much I am concerned about this–I also noted my mom’s health…and the suspicion I have and which this book has made me anxious about again that my parents might lie to me about my mom’s health. My mom wouldn’t want to give me upsetting news, and might keep saying to herself that they have to find the “right time” to tell the four of us together (and it was impossible to get my brother, sisters and I together in one place before I left) so that I don’t either end up with a phone call that happens right as I am going into work or something absurd, or, you know, finding out from my sister’s Facebook updates. Because while I could never count on anyone to be forthcoming in the family, or to communicate in a direct way, I can always count on my sister to make announcements on Facebook. Always.

Of course, nothing serious might be wrong with my mom at all. Perhaps I am worrying for nothing. Although I also note that she went to the hospital the day of our wedding rehearsal and didn’t say anything until someone asked her why she wasn’t eating at dinner and she admitted going to the emergency room and they were giving her some kind of medication or doing a test the next day and had recommended her not eating. They could have told me before then and nobody did. So of course I can’t trust them to keep me updated of their own volition, and so I must keep visiting to make sure I walk Domino and to keep updated on my mom.

I was thinking about this even more the other day when we got dinner with his parents and his mom said that one of his great aunts has cancer and isn’t probably going to live much longer…that’s not the sort of thing one announces during a dinner out. At least, I think it shouldn’t be done that way. Oh well. Enough of this…

Third, of the things that I’ve been thinking about…
This is kind of in relation to the book I was reading, too, because it’s about spying and secrets…

I did a thing at work that I thought I’d been very set against ever doing, but I hope that it was for the best.

See, when I started with the company, managers had a non-fraternization rule, and couldn’t be related to/cohabit with/date/socialize with crew members they were responsible for. Alright. That is as it should be. But at that time, the intermediate position between crew and managers was in a grey area and they could date and hang out with and supervise crew they were related to.

I always suspected that it looked bad though, so when I was a supervisor and decided Toni and I needed to be friends, we did everything we could to keep anyone else at work from knowing, which I was really entertained by…but then they made an official policy about it, and fortunately, I got moved to a different place.

Well, I tell you all this because I thought that was really terrible to split up friendships that already existed, or give people the option of quitting or a demotion…and I thought at my old theatre, that it gave a bad sort of feeling to things. You never knew who might suspect you, or who might report you. (Which, of course, was how we started in with jokes about communism and being asked to inform on your coworkers’ social circles…) And a bunch of people did get fired or demoted because of that policy.
Buuut because of the way it was rolled out, I already thought it was poorly done, and I thought to myself that there would never be a chance I’d go to my boss and inform on anyone…

But I did.

Because it’s so out of hand at my theatre that apparently everyone knows about it except for him. And I couldn’t stand it anymore. Because it’s all so ridiculous…like, I’m not sure that I can tell the whole story because it’s a bit more serious than the conversations I usually post from my coworkers, but…it involves attempted breakups and suicide threats and a crew member trying really hard to drag my theatre buddy into a bad situation via texting him nonstop while we’re trying to complete all of our closing duties…

It was too stupid to be tolerated. So I told Mike.


And now I need to sleep. And maybe tomorrow I’ll have more to say. About Pokémon Go. And all the hate-filled people on Facebook.



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Well, despite our corporate office making our jobs more difficult, today was an alright day at work. My best contribution probably being to raise moral among my officemates, via music.😛

livetransform introduced this song to me, but I didn’t know there was a music video…we had a pretty excellent laugh. ^_^
And then another, better laugh because there was a 2015 video for this song, too, and man…it’s out of control. Fireworks and dancing castles. We couldn’t even.

I was a little sad though, because I stumbled upon a version of this song that actually is about communism and not just Russia in general (and vodka, of course), but I can’t find that one. Removed for copyright infringement? Not sure.

Ultimately though…I just wanted them to suffer. Because I got to work today and sat through the end of a conference call that my boss was on about the audit for our region. And Wolf-me…he just sits in the back of my mind and keeps turning up the volume on this song…it’s the sort of thing you share with others because you know it’ll get stuck in their heads.

Me: Can you not…?
Wolf: But this is a great song.
Me: How am I supposed to know what to do to prepare for the audit?
Wolf: *unconcerned* You already know your job. *humming*
Me: Yes…
Wolf: *sings* Moskau Moskau, wirf die Gläser an die Wand–
Me: Stop that.
Wolf: *louder* Russland ist ein schönes Land / Ho ho ho ho ho, HEY!

Meanwhile, in reality…

Me: *faceplants onto desk*
Mike: Yeah, this call is boring as hell.
Me: Oh, it sure is…

Well. At least I had a good time at work later on. And then came home and felt crappy. Because one mustn’t feel crappy at work…which they keep pushing at us…don’t bring your problems to work; don’t let your feelings get in the way of serving our guests; if you can’t smile and be cheerful, you probably don’t belong here…

*gets all stabby, just thinking about it*

It’s not fair.
We have to twist and bend and even lie down on the floor to submit to our guests’ whims and make sure we treat them with individual attention and enthusiasm…but heaven help us if  any of us ever has a bad day and want to be treated like people…

(That, of course, is why no lives matter. Because nobody can ever treat anyone else with kindness. Never. Not ever.)

…I think I’m just annoyed because six of our employees quit over the last few days, and one got fired today. So now I have to hire new people to replace them, and that’s hard. So nerve-wracking. I hate turning down candidates when I can tell they tried, but just didn’t quite make it…or when they’re kids who’ve never even been to an interview before and they’re all nervous and don’t know how to answer easy questions…I hate it.

So instead of drowning my crappy feelings about work (and about Jester scolding me when I came home) in actual vodka…just…you know…songs where it appears. *listens to it 100 more times*

such excite


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My parents and Jester’s parents have spoiled me as far as birthday gifts. Not only have I replaced my broken phone case (and received the anticipated scolding from Jester because I really did get the design I posted about recently, with the grammar eagle logo…), but I’m also on my way to having purchased my entire book wish-list.

That’s exciting.
Now I just need to restrain myself and not acquire any more books for the rest of the year.
A challenge, if ever I encountered one–there’s always so much stuff that looks interesting! (Is this how television-watchers feel when they log into a streaming service? How can they possibly watch all the interesting stuff available??)

I pre-ordered Dracula vs. Hitler, too. I told my work-buddy about it and we started talking about that whole Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies nonsense, and that ridiculous looking Dead Snow movie that Netflix is always trying to get me to watch…and we got really excited about the idea of this book, so I decided to order it and told him I’d loan it to him after I read it.

I was surprised to discover that he didn’t know who Vlad Tepes was. Or Elizabeth Bathory. But…there are times I have to pat Wolf-me and remind him that not everyone has done extensive reading or sat up watching shows about historical vampires and vampire myths. Fortunately, Wolf me is unembarrassed by our interests…
(To be fair, I was equally shocked when Jester didn’t know that Rarity was a My Little Pony character…but I don’t even watch that show.)

Backing up though, I am also excited because I got some new sets of command strips…those little adhesive doo-dads that one can remove from walls (and posters) without destroying them.
That means I can start transferring my posters from my parents’ house. Because I have missed Simba and Captain America and the Hogwarts castle and the Enterprise on it’s glowing background…and my sea-painting. It will be nice to have these familiar pictures back on the walls, even if I will no longer be basing whether I stayed up too late on when it is light enough for me to tell the red and blue rings apart on Cap’s shield.

Having the command strips will also force me to start unpacking those remaining boxes, because I have hanging things in them, too. Like my mirror, and the painting of the dismembered fish that Toni and I did.

…I should find a day I have off and see if she wants to go painting again. I didn’t give my paints to my sister when I moved, specifically so I’d have them if I ever found the motivation to ask her to go out with me again.

I could even try to find a better graveyard where hopefully there will be interesting stuff to look at and where she won’t remember being sad the last time we went out to one. Although I’m concerned that Pokémon Go is ruining the peace and quiet of places like public parks and graveyards…makes me wish we had year-round school where I live. (Actually, I wish for that a lot, now that I’m an adult.)

Now, of course, I’m looking up graveyards near where I live…
There are three really close by…two big ones and a little one…excellent.

Maybe I will see when she wants to get Jester’s old table from us, and she can bring her other friend and that will be a nice time. Going to a graveyard with friends and friends of friends. *pleased at the idea*

Now I just need to find the motivation to arrange it. And make plans to kidnap her if necessary so she can’t back out of it on me.

*pauses writing to spend half an hour looking for a song I heard on youtube the other day…*

And just like that, I think I’m done for now.




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I think Jester is cross with me…but I can’t help that I’m not tired and want to stay up doing laundry and eating soup and posting nonsense.😦

This is a tradition which goes back to the origins of my blog–I’ve always done this. And, of course, habits are hard to break.

So, that’s one thing going on…
Now for nonsense, eh?

Book nonsense. Because that’s a good time.

It’s a survey sort of thing, since I haven’t done any of those in AGES. I stole it from bluchickenninja and you should visit her if you like sci-fi. She posts lots of reviews and other things about books and fandoms and graphic arts.

So, onto the questions!😀

What book are you currently reading?

If by “currently reading” you mean “intending to start soon”, this is it. And I’ve read it before and really enjoyed it, but I think there was something I missed…some key detail which eluded me on that first read, but which I hope to not miss the second time around.
Part of me wonders if it’s because it’s a translation, but I’m not sure. It could also be that I read 75% of the book whilst sitting in the Seattle-Tacoma airport for 6 hours, waiting for my plane…

What’s the last book you finished?

I liked most of this book, but the end kind of…disappointed me. It could have ended sooner.

Favourite book you read this year?


These ones are at least fairly new to me, even if I’ve read The Road Back last year, too. I thought all of these were really absorbing…like, most of the narration flows really well and just kind of carries you along and before you know it, you’re at the end of the book. Now, each of these also had a thing that happens at the end which I felt was unnecessary…but that’s really the worst I can say of any of them.

What genre have you read most this year?

Mm. Looks like a toss-up between historical fiction and fantasy books with dragons.

What genre have you read least this year?

Nonfiction. I’ve read zero nonfiction. Not even noteworthy essays. On the other hand, I’ve read a children’s book and three poetry books.

What genre do you want to read more of?

Weird tales. They’re some of my favourites. I can’t imagine that will stop being true any time soon…I just have to be patient and wait for them to finally publish collections of the writing from the good authors who are out of print.

What’s the last book you bought?

They’re waiting for when I finally get through all my WWII related books…and I have five of those left to go.

What book are you saving up to buy next?

Yep. A 1930s horse story. Try not to judge me too harshly. I love My Friend Flicka and Thunderhead…and I only recently learned that there was a third one in the series. So there.

What’s a book you can’t wait to read?

I saw this a few days ago and knew I would read it. Just…destiny, you know? Now all I’ve got to do is wait for October 25th.

What’s a series you would recommend to everyone?

Everyone? Well, A Song of Ice and Fire and the Vampire Chronicles have too much violence and sex…not for kids. Redwall is too childish for most adults…Everworld too “teen”…the only series I can think of which has a little something for everyone is Harry Potter. And I know that sounds trite, but it’s so very true, and I appreciate that about those books.

Time to grab my laundry and finally go to bed.


dreaming again…


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If you’ve been with me for a while (and I think at this point, maybe only my other wolf-friend has), then you may remember when I used to post bizarre, epic, and sometimes disturbing dreams that I had on a regular basis.

That, sadly, hasn’t been the case for a while. But I do have one from two nights ago that was at least coherent enough to tell you about.

It was the same as a lot of my dreams in some ways…bizarre creatures, people wanting to kill me, shifting point-of-view, and none of the characters actually being me.

But for as infrequently as I actually appear in my dreams, the dream world still likes to use settings from my waking life. This time it was my great-grandparents’ lake house. It was night-time, and I was standing on the dock in front of the house. But it was different from the real-life lake house in a couple important respects. For one, there were no lights. At all. Stars, yes, but no house lights and no lights at the resort across the lake. I understood this was to keep everything safer from the bombs. Because my dream-narration chose to plunder my recent reading material for this dream, too.

So we’re hiding from bombs, I guess. Except for me, because I am out on the dock watching for trucks on the other side of the lake (which, in reality you can’t see the roads on because of the thick trees and which I shouldn’t’ve been able to see in the dream because they were driving with their lights off), and I was directing my robots–yes, I had robots–to where I saw the trucks so they could whir across the lake on their hovercraft bodies and destroy the trucks.

Except…at some point I started getting this bad feeling…that maybe I’d made a terrible mistake…because they were our trucks I’d been destroying.
But the robots didn’t make that distinction. And they didn’t make a distinction when, in a panic, I gave orders to destroy the commander who was coming to arrest me, and then, when I realized things weren’t probably going to get better for me, I sent them to destroy the others who were sleeping in the lake house.

So this dream-self spent the rest of the dream trying to escape to a place where nobody would know him…except that despite nobody knowing him, they knew he was part of a group they hated, and they refused to help him.
By the end of that part of the dream, he made it to a border where he could really escape, but all the local people who were also trying to escape were throwing rubbish at him and demanding to know how he could dare ask them for food when they’d been starving for months because of his people…and he just kept thinking well, now I’m starving too, I guess.

It was kind of weird to have a character in a dream who didn’t speak, but whom I can hear thinking to himself. Usually dream-characters’ thoughts seem more self-generated, rather than like they originated from somewhere else.

Anyway, so we crossed the border, starving, and it dissolved into a different dream with characters in what looked like early to mid-1800s dress…bonnets and hoop skirts and frock coats and waistcoats…and the characters my dream focused on were a husband and wife in a big white house, and the wife was a witch. Very Harry Potter-like, but always trying to do her potions and spellwork behind her husband’s back, because he wasn’t magical and she didn’t know what he would think of magic…

And at some point in the dream, my POV left her and wafted through the house to the garden where the husband had fallen asleep against a tree while reading his book…and some gnarly-looking grey monster bounded across the yard and attacked him. The wife burst out of the house and dueled with the monster before it ran off into the woods, but the husband was injured pretty badly and seemed to be unconscious…

And the POV shifted to the husband, but obviously at some point much after the monster-attack. He had no recollection of how he’d been injured, but there was this weird sense of suspicion he had regarding the wife. In the beginning part of that dream, I had the impression that they were happy and that he was a cheerful fellow, but now…he just seemed angry and uneasy without knowing why. And he had a cane…a white cane topped with a gold ball…and he would stamp around with and hold in such a way that sometimes you’d start thinking he’d like to hit people with it.

The wife seemed sad. And I had the notion that she often thought about using her magic to heal her husband while he was asleep, but was afraid that even if she was careful, he might wake up and would be more repulsed by her being a witch than he was by his bad leg.

Neither of these dream-scenarios was as spectacular as what I used to produce, but I still always find them interesting when they present these snippets of what one could imagine to be entire dream worlds…
I think my biggest hope is that next time my characters won’t all be so hopeless. Like, the soldier character? Yeah. He’s a dead man in that dream world. I felt sorry for him though…probably because that scenario played out with me acting as that character, rather than just watching him.
On the other hand, the old-timey couple seemed worse off in a different way. They weren’t going to starve or get killed, but they were both so unhappy…the husband because he couldn’t cope with his limited mobility, and the wife because she was too afraid to help him…pretty bleak stuff all around.

Anyway. I go to sleep again now. And hopefully won’t dream of starving because I had a snack this time.😛



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Omg. My facebook feed all day has been a constant stream of


The troll in me wants to post a note that all the nihilists out there must be getting confused because, tbh, nothingmatters…

I mean, it’s even Cthulhu’s campaign slogan this year–

Not that Lovecraft was a nihilist, exactly…but with the general notion of his and other weird tales being that humans as a whole don’t matter except to ourselves…….you get the idea, right?

I don’t know. I expect that those who noticed me posting such a thing would probably not be too thrilled by it. They’d tell me that saying something like that was trivializing the problems, or not supporting the right causes…or that they were going to pray for me.

I’m just one person though. And I have opinions, too. My own opinions.
If you wouldn’t want me telling you how to feel about an issue, you certainly have no authority to tell me how I should feel about everyone across the planet killing each other for such stupid reasons.

Not that I personally have a particular animosity towards any of these groups whose lives–as I’m told–matter. No. They should have their own lives that matter. But at the same time, the little, timid voice that lives inside my Wolf’s shadow can’t help but ask if our life matters. Does our life matter? Everyone wants his life to matter (well, except the nihilists, maybe) in some small way. But I’m not altogether sure that it does.

I feel so darkly about everything lately. And sometimes it’s hard to think that anyone’s life matters when you suspect maybe your own doesn’t.

I think…maybe it comes down to two things that I think about this whole mess of whose lives matter *most*.

On one hand…if you kill someone, you’ve said their life doesn’t matter, which makes all these different advocates seem hypocritical when so many of them are using murder to make their views heard. But that’s on an individual level.

On the other hand, you have the bigger picture of your society. If your society kills people, then yes, it’s true–it must be because the society is flawed and says to itself that those lives it didn’t protect don’t actually matter. So that’s where you have to admit that all lives need to start mattering to all people, because once you say that’s wrong for a society to choose to minimalise the importance of some lives, then it also becomes a problem for individuals. You can’t keep insisting that your life matters more unless you are willing to admit that everyone else’s life also matters.

Any maybe, just maybe every life sucks anyway, and nobody is ever really happy with their lot. Maybe that’s the big joke that nobody can see because they’re all focused on seeing how much they matter compared with their neighbors.

…I found more excellent nihilist memes though, thinking about this.

For a book to expound upon all the excellent nihilist memes, I recommend Thomas Ligotti’s The Conspiracy Against the Human Race. It’s deep and dark, like the eyes of that little rainbow leopard.

In other news:
I broke my phone case. And because I am a terrible person (see above paragraphs to confirm), I ordered this to replace it–

phone case

And a tshirt, which was my birthday gift to myself…

…I feel absolutely certain that I’ve made the reich choice.

I’m a little ashamed


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I’m a little ashamed. I feel like my escapism should be glaringly obvious, but just in case it wasn’t… there. I confess. The music, the books…the whole Goth thing…all the Walter Mitty-like (and I mean the short story–not the movie) daydreams…all of it is because life is too unbearable and I decided I can’t count on other people to buoy me up through it. So instead we have all the strategies and pretending and make-believe…

If I can pay attention to something else for a bit, then all the hurting and disappointment and dread can’t pull me down so far that I can’t recover…right?

I like to think that maybe it’s a better way than some of the other options, but still…

I am ashamed. Part of me sneers when I say it to myself. Escapist.

And now that I’ve got that said…….

Today, I went to see the latest installment in The Purge franchise. I may also inadvertently give away some plot points, so of you’re interested in seeing the movie, I wouldn’t read through the rest of this post.

The movies aren’t the best I’ve ever seen, but there are some aspects that I’m really intrigued by.

As far as the horror aspects of the films, they rely pretty heavily on the fear of being caught, which is instilled in us at an early age, whether we are raised in truly dangerous areas, or are instead just raised on games of tag or hide-and-seek. A lot of horror films do that though, so while it will usually get at least a weak audience reaction because it preys on a natural fear, it’s nothing interesting in itself.
The first one was the most heavily reliant on hide-and-seek, but the second and this newest one couldn’t do that, as they’re more plot-driven and certain things have to happen for the story, giving them less room for cheap scares.

They did something else though, that I really liked and kind of wish more horror films did…as the characters are moving from point A to point B and C in the plot (and through the city), they go through little horror vignettes that we never learn more about, but which are chilling to think back on. In this one it was stuff like a scene where they pass a guillotine set up in an alleyway, and the purgers in that little setup have a basket of heads they’ve collected…or another scene where a circle of men with swords and axes and long knives are in a ring, watching a pair battle to the death…or another one where some teenagers costumed as crosses between ballerinas and prostitutes announce that they’ve already purged their parents, and are now going to teach one of the main characters a lesson…

And those stories are almost more interesting than the main one, because you wonder how that all happened. How did the giant guillotine get there? Why did the girls purge their parents? How–on a night where it’s all one giant mêlée–did those men come to an agreement to fight it out in such an orderly way?

I’m curious.

I was also curious about another aspect that this new film introduced–Purge tourism, where people from other countries would come to the USA to participate in The Purge. I thought that was weird because while their participation wouldn’t be problematic in a USA where they periodically suspended the law, I can’t imagine other countries willingly allowing their citizens to travel to such a place.
Because yes, if a lawless country killed a foreign citizen, there would be no harm done in that country because they authorized the lawlessness…but other countries would want justice for their murdered people…wouldn’t they? It’s weird. Maybe I just don’t understand (or maybe the writers didn’t flesh out that idea).

Also this, which has kind of bothered me since the first movie: why are robbery, looting, burning, torture, and murder the only crimes all the citizens seem to go in for? The whole premise is that “all crime, including murder” becomes legal for 12 hours…but why aren’t the hackers taking down the power grid? Why are there so few bombings depicted? Why is the USA still in existence at all with The Purge as a practice, when treason suddenly becomes legal? And in this one…they do depict white supremacists as some of the primary villains, but I have a feeling that Purge Night would be the time where all the hate groups go out and kill each other…

And the characters…like…they finally touched on “Purge insurance” in this film, but…wth? Insurance fraud becomes legal during the Purge, so if you burn down your own insured home or business, or kill your insured family member…well, you win, right?

What about Purge orphans? Who takes care of them, since the Purge is supposedly the chosen method of eliminating those who would need public assistance? And for that matter…Purge babies, right? Rape is legal during The Purge, after all…

It’s awful in every respect, but I’m really intrigued. All these unexplored possibilities are just sitting there. Not to mention other settings. They really only explore The Purge in a suburban or city setting…what about rural? What about on a college campus? Disney World? And since it happens in March, what if there’s snow?

It’s like the Cthulhu stories I enjoy so much. There are so many different directions they can go, all with their own horrors and potential for an engaging storyline that would show you one more awful piece of the picture…
If there was an anthology of stories relating to The Purge, I’d absolutely read it.

Not sure what exactly that says about me, but like at the beginning of my post, I’m a little ashamed that, of all the fictional universes I could find myself wishing there was more about, it’s the universe where The Purge exists.


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