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I keep thinking more and more that maybe I should try medication for anxiety.

Because of things like this, which happen too regularly for me to not be concerned…

*walking at the park, not in the wooded area where I usually walk, but on the path that goes through a field. A very flat field, which has been cut recently. It’s too early in the spring for the plants to have started growing tall again. In a few areas, there little clusters of trees.*

*Looking around at all of this…feeling uneasy…the trees are awfully far away…*

Wolf: Hey…
Me: ?
Wolf: Let’s not walk here anymore.
Me: Omg.
Wolf: No, hear me out–what if a crazy person comes to the park, right?
Me: No.
Wolf: This is literally the worst place to be walking.
Me: It’s fine. I like walking here.
Wolf: …
Me: …
Wolf: There’s no cover.
Me: OMG, why are you this way?!
Wolf: Probably because of that time we came here and listened to the people at the farm shoot 200+ rounds.
Me: You don’t like walking in cliff areas because you think we’ll fall to our death.
Wolf: It IS possible, you know.
Me: And when we walk in the woods you’re always looking to see if there are trees around that we could get up into.
Wolf: Because…you know…bears?
Me: No. No bears.
Wolf: Okay, yeah. Bears are unlikely. But not crazy people.
Me: If you were not me, this is the part where I’d give you a shake and tell you that you are a crazy person.
Wolf: …
Me: …
Wolf: There’s a drainage ditch close to the path here. One could hide out in there.
Me: I hate you.

And I know I’m making this out to be a little more lighthearted than it is…because it’s hard to really convey in one post both my thought process and the feeling of agitation I had at the time. I don’t know what the deal is. Maybe all that stupid “run/hide/fight” stuff they had us do in training at the theatre, in case we ever had an active shooter situation. But when I add in the bit about falling off a cliff, that doesn’t really fit in with that theory. I don’t know.

I don’t know what to do with myself.

On an unrelated subject…there is someone at work who’s on the “environmental services” team (a fancy way of talking about the people who do all the cleaning/garbage), and we talked a little bit when I was lost during my first two weeks at the hospital…and so now we always say hello to each other and he always has something nice or encouraging to say…but we’ve never introduced ourselves? Like…how does one address that? Online it’s fine to never introduce yourself by name because your screen name can BE your name…but in real life? It’s weird. And I know we wear nametags, but tbh, the names are TINY and I’d have to get super close to read it.

I dunno. I feel like I should introduce myself? But I feel weird about it. *conflicted*

…gotta go to bed now.

dreams – i win one, i lose one


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As much as I want to continue the series of posts detailing why I spend every morning repeating a mantra of “I’m so unhappy” and “you suck at everything you do” and “everyone thinks you’re worthless”…Imma post something lighter instead. About dreams I’ve had.

I have so few anymore…they’re like unicorns. (Huh. Rhinos are so endangered at this point that they’re basically unicorns…………………anyway, not the train of thought I want to pursue right now.)

So, the dream where I lose is the one with the unicorn, unfortunately.

In that dream, I was having a hard time because the point of view was really weird, even by my standards. I “saw” the action of the dream through an outside point of view…but the character it followed, while not being me, was intensely aware that this was a dream, and was also adamant that he was me.

I’ve possessed characters in dreams, and I’ve had other dream entities be aware of me existing inside a character in a dream…and I’ve sort of…left possession of characters and watched their confusion after I’ve left them…but I’ve never been outside of a dream character who knew he was in a dream, or who had that kind of awareness of me as the person dreaming.

It was very disorienting.

In the dream though, this character was having a really heated argument about his being drafted into the military. He was trying really hard to convince another person being drafted that neither of them actually could be drafted because nothing was real. It was all happening in a dream, and besides…he was me, so even in waking life, this situation was toward the bottom of his list of worries.

The person he was arguing with was being very patient and listening to all of this nonsense, but his whole response consisted mostly of telling my character that he couldn’t get out of it by pretending to be crazy because they’d find out he was pretending and he’d either get sent off anyway or go to jail. And so my character got very broody and stopped talking to anyone else in the dream world so he could focus on how to prove it wasn’t real…

I had the sense that things skipped ahead in time a bit then, because the next thing I know, the guy who listened to the “we’re trapped in a dream” theory was still trying to be nice and invited my character to join a group of people for a night out before everyone got sent away. In a rather un-me like move, he decides to go.

Skipping ahead a little more, the dream took us all to a tattoo parlour, where everyone is drunkenly choosing tattoos to remind them of this or that or just because…and then there’s the “me” character, who is not drunk (which is a pretty me thing to be), and who is practically shaking with rage that the dream hasn’t ended and that he hasn’t been able to prove that none of it is real…but fine. Fine. He knows what he knows, man. And he’s getting a tattoo to remind him of the way things really are and won’t let any of his friends dissuade him.

…it’s a tattoo of a unicorn with a rainbowy mane and tail. Because he knows that he’s me.

The whole sequence was as if Wolf-me had been crystallized into his own, separate entity, but still knew that I was there. It was super creepy.

I felt like that dream was distinctly not in my favour, so yeah. That one was the loss.

The win dream was from last night though. And I really was me, which came as a surprise.

In this dream, it’s winter and I park my car at the mall where my original theatre is. And as I’m walking away, I hear the sound of metal on metal, and I look to see that an older man has smashed his car into mine. His car is fine, but Erika is crushed. Almost like my previous car when I got into the accident two years ago.

So the man and his wife and two little kids get out of the car and start hurrying away. I run to catch up with them and he doesn’t respond or even look at me when I’m like, “Hey..! HEY! You just smashed my car!” I catch up with him and he still ignores me. I grab his coat sleeve and he jerks his arm away and says that they’re late for a movie.

I try to ask him for his insurance info or a phone number or something, but he just keeps power walking away. The rest of the family don’t even look at me,

So…I’m pissed. But I go my own way and for whatever reason, I actually do live in an apartment above the theatre (which I always joked about when I worked there and crew kept saying it was like I never left). I decide to run a shower, but as I’m showering, I keep getting angrier and angrier and pacing in the shower (which is absurdly huge…like it’s own room) until the water gets cold. So I get out and dressed and decide to get revenge.

I grab my keys and go out to the guy’s car and start raking my keys along the doors and hood. And then…Wolf me makes his appearance and decides that random destruction isn’t good enough. It needs something to give it meaning.

So what does he do? Carves a giant swastika into the area near the gas tank. (Ugh, Wolf-me…why are you like this??? -_-“)

At that point, the old man comes out (short movie, I guess) and starts shouting at me. And I remind him that HE WRECKED MY CAR! And he starts laughing. And asks what I’m gonna do about it. And this old man starts making fun of me…so I punch him in the nose and he goes down hard on the ice.


You know, as I’m retelling this dream…it sounds pretty bad. Maybe this one isn’t actually a win, eh? If I am punching an old man in front of his grandkids and, you know, incorporating Nazi imagery into my revenge plots…


It was pretty satisfying to punch that guy though. I mean…even if she is ungrateful and tries to kill me sometimes, I try to take care of my car. Poor Erika.

So those are the kinds of dreams I’m having these days. Not creepy in a straight-up creepy way like when I used to have dreams about being eaten by sentient fungi or about being trapped on a longboat that was gliding into eternity (which is a glacier, if course) and realizing that we’re all dead…

Just creepy because I don’t like the idea of Wolf-me and I being separated, or because I don’t approve of my behavior in the dream with the car.

But I’ll take these dreams over none at all. For sure.



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I wouldn’t normally be awake this early on Saturday, buuuuuuuut I’m “on call” every Saturday this month. Plus every Saturday in July and December. Which means waking up at 4am just in case someone else calls off…because I am 100% certain that I will NOT be able to make it to the hospital in time if they call me at 6 and I am not already out of bed. Definitely not.

But it looks like I’m not gonna be needed today, so…yay because I’m still getting paid. But still…boo because I slept really badly last night and I feel pretty exhausted. But what’s the point in even trying to go back to bed when Jester is going to be getting up in an hour anyway? It’ll just wake me up all over again. If I even managed to fall back asleep by then.

So here I am, clarifying my complaints about how the new job turned out. This time, I said we’d talk about uniforms, and so we shall.

My uniform now is a set of light blue scrubs. Fine. That makes sense. After all, they’re pretty standard for all hospital personnel. Unless you work in a department that has zero patient contact, like HR or accounting or something along those lines. Still…I hate them.

Some of my reasons are petty and I could probably get over them. Like the fact that blue is not a good colour for me. Especially light blues, as they make my skin look really pink, and I am not a fan of pink, alive-looking me.
Also…I never thought I would miss the theatre issued wool pants, but I REALLY do. It’s freaking COLD outside. Snowing, in fact, and here I am, waiting for the shuttle in the dark, broken-glass lot and shivering in my thin, jammie-like blue scrubs. It’s intolerable.

I might be more grateful when it gets hot out, but we’ll see.

Lastly…there’s the problem which is not so petty or seasonal, and which pisses me off on a daily basis: the scrubs issued by the hospital do not fit me. They don’t.

I was originally given mediums, but the shirt was like a tent and could have fit two of me, and the pants…well…the pants are like the scrub version of gauchos. They are too big and too long…but the pants are all elastic waisted, and the next smaller size’s waistband doesn’t stretch far enough to come up over my hips, so I’m stuck with the ballooning size that, while I can get them over my hips, are so long that the waistband has to be pulled up all the way to my ribs (NOT my natural waist, but a bit above that) because I can’t roll the bottoms up due to the pants being tapered in the leg.

The whole pants situation makes me so fucking mad. I found some of a slightly different style at the hospital, where they have drawstring waists instead of elastic, but again…they’re too long for me and I can’t roll them up, but in this case I could also not pull the pants up high enough to get them off the ground…I lose no matter what I do, it seems.

And then the shirts are stupid, too…I got a smaller one, but again it still doesn’t fit. It has the bizarre quality of being really big and loose in the shoulders and chest, but also really long (despite being the small size), but not loose enough at the waist to fit down over my hips. I can force it down, but it doesn’t stay put because of all the moving around I do when stocking, and instead keeps creeping back up and making the upper part of the shirt more and more baggy and shifty, and with my badge weighting one side of the hugely V’d collar, sometimes I end up rocking the almost-off-the-shoulder look, which is a huge violation of company policy (our wardrobe guidelines for off-duty employees who are coming to/leaving/visiting the hospital are pretty strict…heaven forbid any employee EVER be caught with bare shoulders).

So the shirts suck, too.
I’ve spent a LOT of time reading and checking sizes and reviews of different scrub sets on Amazon, and I finally ordered some yesterday. It would suck for ne to have to buy all my own uniforms, but I really hope they fit okay. And also that they’re a match for our department’s designated shade of blue. As much as I don’t want to spend a huge amount of money on work jammies, I also hate going in every day wearing clothes that very obviously don’t fit me.

Then there’s the shoe problem. It’s less of a problem now, but this past month has been a nightmare for my feet.

See, back when I had that week off between when I left the theatre and when I started at the hospital, my intention was to break n my new shoes. But I couldn’t because I fucking sprained my ankle at the last moment. *rage*

So I spent my first two weeks at the hospital with brand-new shoes that weren’t broken in AND my ankle brace. (Have I mentioned that I have severe bunions?)

It was the wooooooooorrrrrst!

I’d end up taking my shoes off every lunch and then again when I’d be sitting in traffic on the way home. My feet were screaming. And also, so was I in one particularly bad day where traffic was moving just enough so that I couldn’t get my shoes off, but hadn’t been in enough pain to take them off before I started driving… it was horrible. They haven’t been as bad the last week or so, but they’re still not super comfy shoes that I *enjoy* wearing around…

I also don’t know what to think because I can’t really hear myself walk in them. I am kind of harsh to the heels of my shoes because I have a heel-to-toe step, and I like being able to hear my steps…but I guess that’s not a thing with actual running/walking shoes. They’re supposed to be soft and lightweight, which means they don’t make much noise. Fine for working in a hospital, I guess. Also fine for my ninja-ing from one place to another. I’m just really unaccustomed to it.

Also not accustomed to having no slip protection. I stepped in water the other day and am pretty sure I could have died. *shrugs* Who knows?

Anyway, I am not pleased with the whole uniform front, but if the ones I ordered yesterday are suitable, then at least I can slowly start getting more to replace the ones from the hospital. They should get here by next weekend, so I’ll know soon.

Next time, we’ll talk about Wolf me’s snobiness…

i can’t wait for teleportation


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Alright…so when I accepted the job, I didn’t know about the parking situation. Which is that there isn’t parking at the hospital.

The only way you get to park in the garages or lots directly beside the hospital is if you’re a physician or are fairly high ranking in your department. Or if you have yeeeeeears of seniority.

The rest of us get to park at lots that are leased by the hospital. Sketchy lots. Filled with broken glass and weeds. Surrounded by houses with the windows boarded up or with the glass broken out so that the sheets pinned up by long-gone residents trail out over the loose roof shingles that cover the houses in place of siding.

It’s a poor neighborhood, and I don’t hold that against them…really. But it’s unbelievable to me that the original builders of the hospital thought that it would “revitalize” the neighborhood. Um. Nope. That did not happen, as far as I can tell.

Also it upsets me on a personal level because the neighborhood is filled with brick 1930s houses that are the same style as the one I grew up in…it’s like driving through a ruined version of my childhood every day. I think a lot about a Thomas Ligotti story about a character who works at a library early in the mornings and takes a bus through a similar neighborhood…that story’s so good, but this was never a way I imagined myself engaging with it…

And then once one gets to the sketchy lot, one must wait for the shuttle to pick us up. And I COULD be wrong, but for a company that has over 11,000 employees, shuttling us to and from the main hospital in groups of 14 seems very inefficient. But this is the way it is.

If you miss the shuttle, or if there aren’t enough seats, you could be waiting up to 20 minutes for the next one. And then you have to drive back to the hospital, which for me takes literally 5 minutes, but for the shuttle drivers, it somehow takes 15.

So I HAVE to get there a minimum of 30 minutes early, and make sure I get a spot on that shuttle JUST SO I CAN BE ON TIME. This is, of course, the only reason I can think of to explain away Jester’s claim that almost every night, at some point I sit bolt-upright and look around in a panic before lying back down and being immediately asleep.

Because I’m terrified of being late again and getting fired, so sub-conscious me wakes up just to check that it’s not time to leave yet. And of course we wake up now at 4am to be there at 7, so I can’t even judge the time based on whether it is dark out or whether I hear birds outside, because at 4am the birds aren’t usually that loud yet and also it’s still actually nighttime out…

So that is my morning now, but my commute troubles don’t end there. Getting home makes me want to claw my eyes out because it’s so stupid.

After I clock out, I sit outside and wait for 15-20 minutes. Then we have a 15-20 minute ride to the broken down lot. All the while, I am just hoping and hoping that I’m being paranoid when I keep thinking that I didn’t lock the car and I’ll get there just to find out that Erika’s been car-napped and that I have no way home from the bad neighborhood…one time I couldn’t park in the side of the lot I usually park in, and I did get super upset because I couldn’t find my car and walked around for maybe a whole two minutes before I spotted her.

It was a terrifying two minutes…

So once I’m finally IN the car, it is already busy on the roads downtown, so it takes me a minimum of 50 minutes to get home, when it is a 25 minute drive between our apartment and the hospital when there isn’t traffic.


I can get to my parents house within 20 minutes from the hospital though, even when I leave in the middle of rush hour. So I go see them more often now if I already know Jester will still be at work for a while. No reason for me to try and get home if there’s nobody even there.

So, yeah…that has so far been one of the most frustrating things that isn’t directly related to my job but is still having a huge impact on my daily routines. I’ve tried taking a different route, but the problem I have with that is that it’s on city streets where I have to keep stopping for traffic lights and busses, so I end up taking almost just as long…but without people doing all the dangerous things they try to do on the highway when there is traffic.

Can’t win no matter what I do, I guess.

Next episode, we’ll talk uniforms…………..

i cannot even


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Okay, so I’ve been gone for a minute.

I’ve been pretty miserable, tbh. Switching to a completely different job in a different industry and a different setting and on a 100% set schedule and where I only know ONE person there has been a lot harder than I anticipated.

And also…Wolf me.

I really like this me. He has good qualities. For instance, confidence…determination. Also, the ability to come up with quick, clever things to say.

On the other hand, I hate him because that me is a snob. And also unreasonable. And (as we have known for a long time) easily enraged by stuff that shouldn’t be a big deal.

(I note that this makes me seem like I must have an altogether different idea of what I am actually like, since I’m giving all these qualities to “another” me…just…instead of confidence and determination, think something along the lines of a me that is too terrified to try, or who is easily discouraged…the me who cannot think of a single thing to contribute and who is just getting more and more anxious about being so conspicuously silent in a conversation…the me who defers to everyone because it suddenly doesn’t know anything and everyone else’s opinions are waaaay better…and who instead of getting angry, just dissolves into tears. And cannot even.

Which is what happened this morning when I got my first EVER disciplinary warning. For being late.

Ugh. Today was awful. The two mes couldn’t figure out what to do…rage at circumstances that led to the incident, or panic because it’s already skipped ahead to where I am getting fired…

I can’t even decide how to tell a coherent story of my new job and why I’ve been gone…but I think that over the next week or so, I will try to tell it in pieces…all about Jester’s claims that I wake up EVERY NIGHT in a panic, my very near ragequit, the Code Blues, the texts I am getting asking me to come back to the theatre, aaaand all the small things that are contributing to my general unhappiness, like traffic, sketchy parking, hurty shoes, my ex’s mom…etc. And also a lot of Nachtmahr…


had a meltdown and embarrassed myself…


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Omg. So…I had to have blood drawn as part of my onboarding, so they can check that I’ve got all the proper vaccinations/immunities…

It was horrible.

I had a meltdown and the nurse kept asking me if I was sure I really wanted to do it (of course not!)…but I couldn’t embarrass myself and withdraw my application and take back my notice at the theatre because of bloodwork…

Tbh, I’d rather die than have bloodwork done. But I’d also rather die than lose face with all the theatre people who I already told I was quitting…not to mention my family and friends.

Of course, I held the nurse up for a long time with all my nonsense, so I felt bad about that. And about having such an intense panic attack in the first place…they wouldn’t let me leave the employee health office for a while…I sat around for 15-20 min, sipping apple juice and eating pretzels because they were worried about me passing out…

I finally made my way back to the HR office and got my paperwork finished up…and then the HR secretary said the nurse called her to make sure they didn’t let me leave right away and kept an eye on me for a little while…UGH.

I’m soorrrrrrry I’m such a baby. -_____-”

But I have the job, so that’s great. And also intensely terrifying. I don’t know anything but work at the theatre. And…I spend about 1/3 of my waking hours with those people…now I’ll have to meet new people to talk to.  😦

Dunno. I’m just worried about dumb stuff now. Like what if I’m not good at it? Or…an important one that my Wolf and I were struck with when I had that meltdown: hospitals terrify us. Wtf are we doing, trying to work in one? x_x

Here’s hoping that I can be desensitized.

I will miss seeing the nighttime though. I’ll miss it a lot. But…I hope that all the other good things will outweigh my not seeing the dark as much. We’ll see…

*looooooooong sigh*

So, some media I’ve been into lately, because at least that’s not terrifying.

Making my way through American Horror Story: Hotel It’s not so bad, but that season took a bit longer to build up than Freak Show did…I think there are a few plot lines that could stand to be snipped off, but I still have about a third of the episodes left to watch. We’ll see where it goes.

Read a book called Playing with Fire by Tess Gerritsen. Based on the book description, I was thinking that it would be about possessed music or evil musicians…the plot is built up around a piece of music titled Incendio… Plot twist: Incendio was titled after Holocaust crematoriums.

Me, Reading: Like…wth? Is this even for real? 😐

I didn’t hate the book…I thought she tied things together alright, but parts of it were a little too contrived, and…given I didn’t know that the plot was going to go the way it did, I’m a little concerned. I’ve encountered a few books over my reading this past year that seem to belong to a genre where the author wants to tell one story, but ends up telling a different one alongside it…and it doesn’t quite work out for the best, in my opinion.

I talk about the band Rome kind of a lot, considering. I’ve finally managed to get into a few of their albums that I flat-out did NOT like when I started listening to their music…there was a 3 part series of albums they did called Die Aesthetik der Herrschaftsfreiheit…and the songs are…I don’t know. They’re better listened to in context of the rest of the album, I guess. There are a lot of spoken parts in these ones too, which might account for part of my preference of listening in one go…better cohesiveness.

I’ve been liking the Aufruhr one best, and I figured I’d share a piece of it before I go to bed. One of the bits that can be listened to apart from the rest of the music.

I also feel like for whatever reason, this album series makes me feel calmer…maybe those spoken interludes are good for something, eh?



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I put in my notice today.

And I embarrassed myself by tearing up when I gave my boss the letter.

Aaaaand further embarrassed myself by having a panic attack while driving home (because driving is the best time to have those).

Now I have to get used to waking up before dawn, I guess…but at least I’ll have some time in between my last day at the theatre and my first day at the hospital wherein I can try to make that transition.

Anyway…this antibiotic is helping, I think…or doing something at least…the amount of mucus coming out of my nose (and my eye, unfortunately) is pretty disgusting. But I am starting to get normal hearing back in my left ear, so I guess I’ll take it.

Gonna watch some AHS and eat a bite before bed. Hopefully I will feel less anxious so I can actually fall asleep…


in the mean time…


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So…I think that in a day or two I can tell you something definitive about that hospital job…

For now though, I’ve got a book survey because that’ll at least give me something to do while I feel agitated like I need to post something.

Also…I spent $139 and some change to go to the urgent care today and get a prescription for my sinus infection. Not having health insurance sucks. And also, I finally had to buy Erika a new alternator. Sooo…another $350. Basically, I spent a ton of money today and I feel crappy and sad about it on top of being sick and nervous about this job thing.


Now, about that book survey…

1. Which book has been on your shelves the longest?
Probably Animalia. It’s an alphabet picture book, but the pictures are really beautiful and detailed, with the backgrounds being filled with extra pictures of things that amuse me even as an adult…examples: there is a Dalek in the picture for D. Also, a swastika on the S page.

…sometimes one wonders about kids’ books.

2. What is your current read, your last read and the book you’ll read next?
Currently reading Playing with Fire by Tess Gerritsen. I’m almost a third of the way in, and while I wasn’t sold on the opening chapter, it got more interesting fairly quickly, so that’s good. I’m hoping the rest of the book holds up.

The last book I read was Swift to Chase by laird Barron, and while I really enjoy most of his writing, I wasn’t too keen on this particular book. I think maybe it was because all the stories followed a core group of characters, and tried to pull it all together, but never really did…and also, it wasn’t creepy. I prefer his creepy writing, for sure.

Next on my list is a translation of Wolfgang Koeppen’s Death in Rome, which I wouldn’t’ve come across without having found that parody band first. So…weird, I guess? Buuuut it’s a story about a group of characters living in post WWII Europe. Not sure what it’ll be like as a translation, but I read a lot of reviews and people seemed to have a generally good opinion of the book. We’ll see.

3. What book(s) did everyone like and you hated?
I’m desperately out of touch with popular things, including books. The closest thing I have to a good answer is Gone Girl. I read it once and decided I’d never read it again because I was so mad at all the characters. I’ve read very few books where I hated them all, but that was definitely one of them.

4. Which book do you keep telling yourself you’ll read, but you probably won’t?
I don’t do that. If I buy it, I’m obligated to read it at some point. I don’t very often read books that I wasn’t interested in enough to buy…so everything on my  shelves will get read at some point, and I’m not worried about anything else.

5. Which book are you saving for “retirement”?
Ha! Like I’ll ever be able to retire…
That’s silly though. Why wait until I’m old to enjoy a book? I can always enjoy it again when I’m retired, right?

6. Last page: read it first or wait till the end?
Good god. What kind of monster reads the last page first????????

7. Acknowledgements: waste of ink and paper or interesting aside?
I like to read them. I like to see the names of those people and wonder who they are or what they did to help. Plus, sometimes acknowledgments have funny or touching little notes that make me grasp more fully that the writers are people just like all of us.

8. Which book character would you switch places with?
None of them, tbh. I mean…I like some pretty dark stuff. I don’t actually want to be a part of that plotline though.

9. Do you have a book that reminds you of something specific in your life?
Lots. Here are a few of my most vivid memories:
Reading Marcel Beyer’s Spies in the Seattle-Tacoma airport while the sun rose.
Reading a translation of The Nibelungenlied in between tearing tickets when I was a film crew at my old theatre and trying to explain it to guests–HA!
Sitting outside in Michigan and reading Thomas Ligotti’s Teatro Grottesco while birds screamed in the woods.
Reading Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix in a sweltering hot tent at a music festival.
Reading The Fellowship of The Rings while my grandma talked to my parents. I wasn’t really reading it, but was mostly hoping she’d see me reading this big book and be impressed…I was, like, 8 or 9, I think.
Reading The Silmarillion on the way to Disney World when I was 14, and asking my aunt and uncle a million questions about it while we waited in various lines…I was pretty excited that they were also huge nerds.

10. Name a book you acquired in some interesting way.
Well, I ended up with Brian Lumley’s Necroscope and Vamphyri! because I won a Halloween writing contest. It was weird. And also, these books were my first introduction to fascist vampires.

11. Have you ever given away a book for a special reason to a special person?
Yessss…I gave Toni a copy of Thomas Ligotti’s The Shadow at the Bottom of The World, but I don’t think she ever read it. It was back when she was super into dark and bizarre stuff, and talked about dysentery a lot. And also before I allowed the bad thing happened to her.

12. Which book has been with you to the most places?
Golly. I don’t know. Probably Teatro Grottesco, because I think it came with me to Michigan and to Washington St.

13. Any “required reading” you hated in high school that wasn’t so bad two years later?
I can’t really answer that. The only required reading book from high school that I ever bothered coming back to later was All Quiet on The Western Front, and that was more like…10 years later. I didn’t hate it in high school though. In fact…I only came back to it because I didn’t hate it.

14. What is the strangest item you’ve ever found in a book?
When I was in college, I borrowed a library book once where a girl named Krystyn had folded in a little slip of paper with her phone number, email address, and AIM name and hoped someone would get in touch. It was a book of Edgar Allen Poe stories that I checked out for a paper, so maybe we would’ve had something in common? Not sure. I might still have the paper someplace, but I never reached out to her…

15. Used or brand new?
I like a lot of out-of-print stuff, so sometimes one must go the used route…but I also like to have new books that are My Books.

16. Have you ever read a Dan Brown?

17. Have you ever seen a movie you liked better than the book?
No, and I don’t expect to. All I expect is a good or a bad adaptation of the book…not a better one. If I do find one eventually, I’ll be truly surprised.

18. A book that NEVER should have been published.
YES! I thought long and hard about this question, and there is a single book that I think is completely worthless, it’s Modern Recording Techniques by David Miles Huber and Robert E. Runstein. OMGGGGGGGEEEE, the sixth edition of this book was what we used in my audio recording techniques class in college…and it did not give good results. The biggest problem with it is that it’s a print book that uses a lot of screen shots to illustrate how to use programs…but the 6th edition was published in 2005, and by 2008 was already severely outdated because technology is always upgrading and the book’s shelf life was much too short to keep up with what had been introduced in that time. Now, as far as analogue recording went, it was fine…and with acoustic setups and microphone characteristics, etc…it just was stupid out of date for the digital portion of the class. I’m ashamed that the book is still in circulation.

19. Have you ever read a book that’s made you hungry, cookbooks being excluded from this question?
Heh. The Redwall books. There is always SO MUCH food and it all sounds good… nom nom nom.

20. Who is the person whose book advice you’ll always take?
Probably nobody, but in an interesting twist…my mom has never read 99.9% of the books she’s ever bought me…but even the ones she’s surprised me with have been good ones. Although I feel certain she wouldn’t’ve given them to me if she’d known how dark some of them were…

I think things went well


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I think my interview went pretty well. I had two–one with the HR lade, and one with both a talent development person and the department manager. They were all friendly and seemed to like me and my answers.

And they ended it with the famous phrase that all hiring managers use: “we’ll be in touch in a few days”.

So I guess maybe I’ll know by either the end of the week or by the beginning of next week. We’ll see.

Now I am just worried that I’m getting sick again…my sinuses have been draining a LOT, so my throat is scratchy (and I am super thankful for Ricola and their throat drops that are both helpful and good tasting), and now my left ear is feeling weird…

Ugh. I don’t want or need to be sick again!

On the upside though, one of our other theatre managers traded days with me, so now I’m off the next two days as well. Maybe get some actual stuff done around the apartment, eh?

Now, time for sleep because I am tired. So tired.

job interview tomorrow


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So, I have an interview for tomorrow afternoon. Wish me luck and all of that, I guess.

I’m hella nervous…

I suppose I can always just straight-up tell them that though…right? Ugh. Why do I have to have been born awkward?

I’m sure it will be fine though…just…remember to smile and shake hands…take a small water bottle in case I get a tickle in my throat (but also don’t choke on the water if I take a sip)…try to not wear all black…don’t apologise for the pay I asked for unless they bring it up and my number was way off base…don’t complain about my current job, and instead focus on what I’m hoping would be better at this job…try to steer them away from the fact that I can’t actually lift 150lbs because that’s more than I weigh…make sure I leave with enough time to get lost (since I probably will) but still be on time…DON’T admit that one of my greatest achievements at the theatre was becoming everyone’s favourite Nazi…

I got this.