cliffs and trolls


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Today I went hiking on a trail I’ve never been to. It was pretty great…2.5 miles or so around a gorge with some really nice views (I am not very good at pictures with my camera phone though), and only moderately strenuous uphill portions, imo.

On the downside, there were a LOT of of warnings at the parking lot about staying on the trail lest ye be severely injured or worse, and it was pretty obvious as to why once I got started. The trail was really narrow in places, with a sheer drop on one side and a bottom that you can’t see because of the think trees…and a place or two where one must step across a gap between stones in the trail…

My internal dialogue was basically this–

Wolf: Wow. They weren’t kidding. We could actually die.
Me: That’s ridiculous.
Wolf: No it isn’t. I know we’re careful and all, but…
Me: Don’t.
Wolf: …
Me: …
*slides slightly on a muddy patch*
Wolf: We could have fallen. We could be dead now.
Me: Stop that.
Wolf: Just sayin.
Me: …
Wolf: …
*stubs toe on tree root*
Wolf: Or now.
Me: What did I JUST say?
Wolf: …
Me: …
Wolf: …just imagine the feeling of pitching headfirst over the cli–
Wolf: Because tree roots.

Yeeeah. Wolf me needs to not do that. Although I think the worst part of his thinking this way is that it’s not an anxious thinking…it’s more…a detached curiosity, and that makes me anxious. Wtf is wrong with me that I would think that sort of thing all the time? (One of the less talked about symptoms of obsessive compulsion, I guess. I think like that about driving sometimes, too.)

I swear it was a nice hike otherwise.

Except for another part where I almost died from embarrassment.
An older couple and I both stepped aside at the same time to let each other pass on a narrow place, and they insisted I go first. So I do, and the woman says, “Don’t worry. We’ll probably just ask for money for you to pass.”

My response? “Oh, well…you guys don’t even look like trolls!”


Wolf me: You just called nice old people trolls.
Me: I’m sorry!
Wolf: Trrrrrrolls!
Me: I had the dumb!😦
Wolf: Maybe we could just throw ourself off the cliff on purpose.
Me: I’m already dead. -_-”

Welp. Now I go to watch the last episode in AHS and also to go to bed since I’ve been awake since slightly after 5 am.


my family is too weird


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The pumpkin show was a pretty alright time after all. All we really did was eat fair food and look at things, but that’s fine. I mean, I have pumpkin doughnuts enough to last me for a few days now, so I’ll say that was a successful trip to the pumpkin show. And also I didn’t get sick from fair food until, like, 330am…so I guess that was nice. The not feeling awful right away bit… not that I wolfed down tons of fried food…but I did eat a whole giant brat and also have two deep fried pastries. Too much.

I need to get better at this moderation thing…
It’s just hard because I want to participate in this wide world of deep fried things, and I can’t -_-

Which, of course, makes me “un-American”. *sigh*

Dad’s birthday turned out okay, despite my youngest sister being really grumpy and mean when I arrived at the house today (it’s how I can be sure she’s my sister, I guess). I think I’ll take that over the bizarre conversation my dad and sisters started on about the whole “black lives matter” movement, and whether white people are inherently racist…and my youngest sister asking me if I consider myself a white nationalist.

Wait–what?? No! Why would you think that??? x_x”
(I know, I know…it’s my fault for the whole fake-Nazi thing…)
Pretty sure she was kidding, but…yikes. What a thing to ask. And immediately follow up with a question about this Black Sun that my Wolf was so confident nobody would even notice.

She decided it looked like a cult symbol in the end, and started an elaborate story about me being in some bizarre mashup of a Satanist group and something that sounded a hella lot like the KKK. *facepalms*

In conclusion: conversations with my family have gotten even more “wth?” than they were when I lived with them.

Now it’s just about time for bed so I can get up before dawn and go hiking and see some fall colours before they’re gone and it gets all wintery and sad looking outside…and then I’ll carve my pumpkin tomorrow and toast up some seeds for Jester and myself. Yay.

And then back to work, where I’m sure they’ll have missed me. Or maybe I just hope they did.

…I think I must be too invested in that job because I think of them from time to time when I’m gone…wonder how things are going and all that. Hope nobody’s effed up something I was working on, etc.


mini-vacation time


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Well, I’m not sure what exactly I have to say today, so I guess I’ll just start typing and see where things go, eh?

There was a moderately exciting thing at work the other day, as Mike has our management team cleaning the booths out and throwing away all the old marketing stuff, leftover construction things from when the theatre was remodeled, and all the accumulated junk from the past several years…

Naturally, Thabet found a jug of hydrochloric acid. Because why not?
I stopped him from tossing it in the trash compactor, but I shouldn’t’ve stopped at that. I assumed (wrongly) that the facilities manager and our GM would dispose of it properly…and according to the internet, it didn’t look like it would be too difficult…buuuut you know me. I wanted to make sure it was something we should get rid of in the first place. Hence waiting for them to weigh in the next day.

So the next day comes around and I go in to the theatre to find that the mop room has a note warning everyone not to use it because they just told Thabet to dump it down the drain. *facepalm*

Not that I’ve been having a lot of success with chemicals, myself…I have a sort of moisturizer I got for my face, from a brand which I have never used before because it’s expensive af…but I thought maybe it might be worth my while and I finally ran out of my old product…

But I did something wrong…used too much? Scraped my face with the face towel and then unknowingly applied it to broken skin? Not sure. All I know is that the next day I washed my face and it hurt. And I couldn’t put anything at all on the area around my right eye because it stung so much. It was weirdly shiny looking, like a burn.

I had to stop using it for a while, but it hasn’t happened again, so I’m hoping it was just a one-time thing. Way too expensive for me to waste the whole rest of the bottle.

So…some other good news…
My mom finally got to come home from the hospital, after being there for almost 3 weeks. I went over to the house yesterday so I could look after the pets and be around if my mom needed anything while my dad went to his eye appointment and to run errands, but mostly she and all the pets just slept all day and I played games on my phone…

I’m not complaining though. I’m glad she’s not in the hospital anymore.

Mmm…I’m taking a mini-vacation right now, too. 5 days of not being at work…yesterday was taken up with getting up at the crack of dawn (545 am) to go pet-sit, after which I went to the bank. Went for a walk and then the evening was kind of taken up with Jester being violently ill. I had been sick the night before and all we can think is that it was this packet of noodle-soup that I had made for us the night I got sick…it’s the only thing which we’d both eaten, after all…

I’ve never had bad soup before, which makes me sad because I was looking forward to soup and hot tea and cocoa and things now that it’s getting cooler out… I’ve been put off the idea of soup for a while now though.:/

Today I did some serious sleeping in, which I have not done in what feels like forever. It’s hard to sleep in when one shares a room with an early-riser. *sigh*

Finally I got out of bed and went for groceries…came home and cleaned half of the apartment…gonna try and be motivated enough to do the rest tomorrow. Not like I’ll be able to go out and do anything, since it rained literally all last night and all day today, and is supposed to still be going up through tomorrow afternoon… *siiiiiiiigh*

Jester and I are still going to try and go to the pumpkin show with my sisters tomorrow evening though. Even in the rain. (I guess?) Because where else am I gonna see thousand-pound pumpkins for free? (Not to mention the pumpkin doughnuts, iced cream, and root beer that I am really looking forward to…😀 )

Anyway, that’s tomorrow…then my dad’s birthday is Saturday, and I’m sure we’re doing something with the family…and Sunday? If it’s not raining, I’m going to go hiking. Found a trail I haven’t been on at the state park I like to go to…I’m just hoping that maybe it won’t be as crowded as the last time I went on a weekend day, because that was insane.

Been making progress in The Wake…I’m halfway done, so it’s safe to say I’ve got the hang of reading it, but I’m not sure that I’m enjoying it. I don’t like the main character, and the plot is moving really slowly for me to already be so far into the book. I’ll be sad if it doesn’t pick up and become something more as a story…I want to see that the author is telling a good tale and not just impressing people with his pseudo old-English writing. We’ll see.

After that is the 500+ page Dracula vs. Hitler… I wasn’t expecting such a long book. o.o
Still…fine…I’m looking forward to it. And maybe I’ll be disappointed, but I’ve read so many amazing books that I guess I’m easy to disappoint since every book can’t be amazing. But I hope it’ll at least be not crappy…that’ll be good enough, I think.

And then I’ve got G.R.R. Martin’s A Knight of The Seven Kingdoms, which I hope will inspire me to finish the 4th season of GoT so I can give them back to my employee…and after that, I’ll re-read the My Friend Flicka series because I finally have a copy of the last installment. *unreasonably excited for this 1940s western drama*

And then for a very long time after that, I’ll be reading most of Anne Rice’s Vampire Chronicles.

*loves all the reading*

And also…the neo-folk music. I put a stop to that because I wasn’t too thrilled with the direction some of it was going…but I’ve been listening to a lot of neo-folk youtube playlists on the days when I write the crew schedule, and I find a lot of it is kind of…calming? I don’t know. But I feel like I could use more of that sort of thing. I just need to be really selective about which songs I am picking out, because I feel like already I have made some iffy selections. Wolf me and I don’t need more things to disagree about, really.

Like a thing that Wolf me did recently that later we realized was maybe not a great decision, but it was already done, so Wolf me is doing what he usually does, and trying to just be nonchalant about it because nobody will know unless we say something about it. So as long as we don’t say anything, it’ll be fine. (Until it isn’t because someone catches on…Wolf me doesn’t worry enough about running into other nerds, I think. But this is a pretty specific thing to be nerdy about, so he thinks it’s reasonable to feel safe. Maybe so…but still…)

It’s hard to just be one’s self and be enthusiastic about the things one is enthusiastic about. So, so hard.

(Solution: next time, listen to fourth-grade me, who knew this was a thing that would cause trouble for us.)

Anyway, I’m gonna go eat carrots (loudly) and maybe finish up season 3 of American Horror Story. And then maybe go to bed. Or not. Idk.

what exactly is WRONG with people these days? *rage*


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Well…my mom still isn’t great.

She’s developed a cough, and they gave her a cough syrup. With sugar. When she hasn’t been eating because of the nausea from the pain. Sooo…her blood sugar spiked so dramatically that they almost had to give her insulin (which apparently pissed her off so much that she told my dad to leave the hospital and go home when he tried to approve the nurse giving it), and they switched her to perles instead…

Today her fever was gone and the blood sugar was normal, buuuuut…they discovered she was LEAKING SPINAL FLUID and may have been for a day or two, but they didn’t know because of the ice pack on her neck… *feels faint just typing about it*

So more staples, and MAYBE if everything is fine tomorrow, she might get to come home on Monday. Fingers crossed and all that, eh?

ANYWAY, let me tell you now about the things that strangers are doing to piss me off now.


Yesterday I was at the theatre, and I went through the back of our concession stand where some of our employees were resting a moment after running around and cleaning auditoriums. One of them yesterday was a high school student who was also our employee of the month not too long ago and who likes to try and persuade me to listen to Drake and Rihanna or to dab (none of that is ever happening…sry, kid!), and who also likes to ask for advice on how to flirt with this girl he likes and who practices his Japanese during shifts…

Well, apparently he was waiting for a theatre to empty, telling guests goodbye, thanking them for coming…and this one guy decided to be an asshole about it. Not for any of the reasons our guests are usually assholes to kids working at the theatre, but because this particular employee is Middle Eastern.

Marwan: Wanna know what a guest said to me today?
Me: What? *already knows it can’t be anything good*
Marwan: I told him to have a good night, and he looks at me and just says, “yeah, fuck off, Osama Bin Laden.”
Me: Oh?
Marwan: Yeah. Like…what the hell? *upset*
Me: *angry* Is that guest still here? Do you know…?
Marwan: No, I saw him leave.
Me: Okay.
*Marwan starts to walk away*
Me: Hey, wait. Come back.
Marwan: ?
Me: Look, if any of our guests ever say something like that to you again, please let me know so I can have a talk with them about it. Hopefully nobody does, but still…
Marwan: What if they’re scary?
Me: Tell me anyway. *thinking about how much our district manager would enjoy reading more incident reports from me -_-“*
Marwan: But wait, wait…what if he’s threatening me?
Me: Pffft. Then just discreetly hit your radio button so I can hear what’s going on.
Marwan: So you’re gonna go all Liam Neeson? *laughs* I don’t know who you are, but I will find you…
Me: Heck yeah I will. That’s why we like them to sign up for Movie Funtimes Discount Card. So I can find them more easily.
Marwan: Awesome! Best boss ever. *fist bump*
Me: I got you.

Ugh…I swear…despite all the time we spend making me into a fake fascist, I don’t find anything amusing about people being like that to my employees. I have no idea how a situation like that would play out if I confronted a guest about their racist comments, but it’s kind of like when our crew tell me about guests cussing them out…that’s not okay. I try really hard to make sure they know they can refuse service to people like that and that we (managers) can tell those sorts of people to leave and not come back…but I think most of the crew don’t believe that we really will.

I haven’t dealt with an abusive guest in a while…but I did threaten to call the police on a man who kept swearing at me and trying to intimidate me into letting his underage kids watch an R rated movie. He left when he realized I wasn’t kidding.

I’d do that again. (Wolf me is particularly keen on the idea.) I don’t want anyone who thinks it’s okay to curse a blue streak and be racist towards my employees to enjoy a movie in our building.

Today though, I was off work and people are still making me angry.
It’s part my fault because it was SUCH a nice day out, and I am not accustomed to having weekend days off. I forgot that anything enjoyable is swamped with people on Saturdays.

So there were a ton of people at the park, but most of them don’t get that far. It didn’t take too long for me to walk far enough away that it was nice and quiet again.

Until this family came up the path toward me.

A mom, the grandmother and two kids…and the boy had one of those giant sticks that kids pick up on trails so they can pretend to be adventurers or to just whack everything with as they walk along…except this kid saw me coming down the path, and what does he do? He stops and pretends to aim down the stick at me and then scream BAMBAMBAMBAMBAM! for the whole park to hear.

Yes, friends. Today, an eight year old was envisioning taking me out with a machine gun.

Fortunately his sister was a much better creature, so she kicked him in the butt and knocked him off balance while he was pretending to shoot me and was all, “ETHAN, YOU DON’T SHOOT PEOPLE!”

What a nice girl. The mother and grandmother said nothing, of course. Wolf me really wanted to call him a little shit and see how they liked that…and then we remembered that we generally don’t approve of cursing and also not in front of children…

Well, at least I’ve got things to be angry about so I can stop feeling sad.



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I made a little effort to be optimistic about my mom’s surgery. You know…try to not be all, “well, every little thing always goes wrong, etc, etc.” All that.

It was for nothing, you know. Which is why I try not to be optimistic.

She was at home for…four days? I think it was four. And then her nausea and pain at the surgery site didn’t lessen, and she’d had a low grade fever which spiked suddenly to 102…and they re-admitted her to the hospital on Monday, I think it was.

She’s still there.

Fever keeps yo-yoing back and forth…nausea and pain still there…and they can’t figure out what’s wrong. My dad says that there are indications there’s an infection, but they can’t find what type of infection or from where…

I’m really upset about all of this, but…you know…what do I do? I can’t go see her because I don’t do well with hospitals and I think that would just upset my mom if she saw me getting upset just because I came to see her…idk.

I don’t know how to even express that I’m upset by the situation. I texted Toni yesterday, which I haven’t done in a while…and I tried to explain the situation to her and thought maybe we could talk about it…but I get the impression she doesn’t particularly want to talk to me. Maybe I let too long go by between now and the last time I thought maybe we’d hang out (which I then cancelled because I didn’t want to leave the apartment).

I’m not good at friends. Which is why I don’t get to have one.

I couldn’t even manage to express to Jester earlier that I am upset. I wanted to say something. Or even cry. But I couldn’t do it. It’s easier to just say nothing. Not even that difficult to not cry. Which I felt bad about…but…I think it’s because I’m not angry. How can one be angry at something that isn’t anyone’s fault? Usually there is something or someone–including myself–to be angry at, and that’s usually the direction I go…but no…nothing this time.

Just worried and sad, which I don’t really know what to do with.

I think maybe they know at work though, because everyone is being nice to me and asking about it…but I’m conflicted about that. On one hand, Wolf me is actually glad to have people be sympathetic to us…that me never wants sympathy…but I think he just doesn’t know what to do with a feeling that isn’t anger.

The rest of me is just feeling uneasy about being too obviously distressed…thinking of ways to cover it up better…

I don’t know.

And I just keep coming back to that. That I don’t know. Don’t know what to do. Don’t know what will happen. Don’t know how to have proper feelings. Don’t know what to say about it.

So between every short paragraph I am flicking back and forth among ideas for how to mess with my youngest sister and make her hunt for her Christmas gifts again after the fashion of a Pokémon trainer…and reading about the black sun symbol, although I can’t for the life of me recall how exactly I arrived at that subject.

I am pretty sure that at some point, I had something with that symbol on it. I didn’t know what it was though. And after reading about it…I am wondering how it ended up on some cheap jewelry that my junior high best friend gave me…? Mysteries abound.

Oh well.

I’m probably tired enough to sleep now, so I will try to do that, I think.

And just so you don’t get the idea that I’m too distressed to keep being ridiculous, there’s also this–

Thabet: I watched The Green Room the other day.
Me: Oh?
Thabet: Yeah. *pause* That movie is weird.
Me: Well, it is about hillbillies trying to kill a punk rock band. Or something like that. That is the plot, right?
Thabet: You haven’t seen it??
Me: Nope.
Thabet: But it’s got so many Nazis!
Me: Heh. Is that the main criteria you’re using to judge the likelihood of my having seen a movie? By the number of Nazi characters?
Thabet: Well, they’re not like you. *sees the expression on my face* They’re bad Nazis.
Me: *busts up, laughing* What the hell?! Explain to me the difference between a bad and a not-bad Nazi.
Thabet: Well, on one hand you have the ones who like to wear leather and talk Nazi ideals–
Me: *laughing harder*
Thabet: –and on the other hand, you have the ones who are killing black people and selling cocaine.
Me: *finally stops laughing and wipes eyes* Welp. I’m glad we had this talk.
Thabet: Are you going to make fun of me now? I said it back to myself and that was one of the dumber things I’ve said. Like when I said the Vikings were being persecuted.
Me: No, no. Not that ridiculous. See, I know what I need to do now.
Thabet: What?
Me: Wear more leather so people will know I’m not bad.
Thabet: And stop selling cocaine?
Me: And that.

All The Things I Didn’t Get to Say This Past Month


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So, I had this whole list of things I mentioned wanting to post about back at the beginning of August, but then I never did…
Here is what’s up with those things.

My car:
So, our apartment complex has been updating all the units that people have moved out of (naturally they do this AFTER Jester and I are established here and not planning to move out soon…), and back in JULY, some of the units in our particular building were getting their makeovers…

And the guy from the paint company hit my car while it was parked.

The insurance company is being worthless again (and it’s not even the same company I was with when someone hit me last spring!) and wanted us to hunt down and spy on the person who owned the car, and take pictures of them and try to get the people at the rental office to get his personal information to us because “he hit you, so his company should be the one to pay…”, when really, as far as I know, this whole thing should be treated as a hit-and-run, in which case MY company is supposed to take care of it…

Omg. But no…the rental office says it isn’t their problem, and the insurance rep from our company never called me back or replied to my email…so…fine, I guess. I’ll just get it fixed myself. I can barely even be mad anymore. Stupid shit just never stops happening to me. *shrugs*

Next, A Thing I Think When I See Managers at Other Businesses:

I despise them. I can spot store/restaurant managers a mile away, and I hate them. I hate when they see me, and especially if we make eye contact. Because then they get all fake-cheerful and I want to tell them to leave me alone and that if I want their help, I’ll ask, thanks. *bristles* Their attitude when they talk to me is so different from regular level employees…they get all smug and self-satisfied looking, like, “I’m the best goddam example of customer service just because I TALKED TO YOU!”, whereas a regular employee has that underlying apologetic attitude because they know they’re bothering me, but they also know their smug manager is watching them and they have to talk to me because it’s their job… it’s easier to be sympathetic toward them and just listen to whatever little sales pitch they’re making because I know they’re just doing what they’re told…and I like to imagine that they know I know…but the managers–so oblivious! It’s not to be tolerated. I hope I never come off that way.

And Now, A Thing About Pokémon Go:

I forget what it was. But…my youngest sister and I have been having a good time naming all of her pokémon after serial killers, dictators, and Disney villains.

Also, My Mom:

So, they finally found something that was affecting her sinuses and migraines…a cyst, which was benign, but which they said could create more problems later on…so she opted to have it removed.
Her surgery was Tuesday, and she came home from the hospital yesterday. I went to see her today and she seems well…just tired and doesn’t want to take her pain meds because they make her more tired. Not sure when the next day I’ll get to visit will be, but hopefully she will be back up and about by next week.


Hah. My extended reflections on music will have to happen at a later time…but…I was super excited because I got Rome’s new CD this month. They wanted me to wait until later this month for The Hyperion Machine to be available on US iTunes…but that’s forever away!😦
I couldn’t do it. So I ordered it from Trisol’s web site and in doing so also rekindled Wolf’s and my debate about whether it could be useful to actually try and learn some German…

At least then I wouldn’t’ve been relying solely on translation sites to figure out what the problem was with my initial payment. But it was alright. They were cool and we got it figured out after all. And then the package finally got here and customs sat on it for a week…but they ended up sending it to me in the end.

I really like all but two of the songs, so it was a worthwhile purchase. I’ve listened to it to death during my schedule-writing shifts…

This one is my favourite so far.

Books, Too:

I’m having second thoughts about this book I got based on internet recommendations…

It’s a novel called The Wake, by Paul Kingsnorth…and I kept seeing all these good things said about it, but I opened to the first page and was like, “Omg…what’s he done?

“The Wake is a 2014 novel by British author Paul Kingsnorth Written in an ‘imaginary language’, a kind of hybrid between Old English and Modern English…”
Thanks, Wikipedia, for letting me know about that after I’ve already bought the book and therefore committed myself to reading it.

I can’t see how I missed such a distinguishing feature in the reviews I read. I feel like someone must have mentioned it…?

Well. I suppose I’ll make my way through it and hopefully it won’t be awful.
…at the other end of my reading spectrum is my preordered copy of Dracula vs. Hitler, which will arrive toward the end of the month. I’m not expecting that to be either difficult to read or to be particularly “good” literature…just something ridiculous that I can have a laugh with my sister or Thabet about. It’ll be a good counterbalance to the mental exhaustion I anticipate from reading The Wake.

Television (Surprisingly):

Omg. I started watching American Horror Story, and…just…that’s a pretty messed up show. But I like what they’ve done with every season being different as far as themes and characters…making it into an ensemble sort of thing where some of the actors play different characters or types of characters in different seasons. I’m late to the party, I know…but it’s still kind of cool.

I’ve enjoyed season 2 better and I have one episode left (which I will watch after this), and then my next TV endeavor will be to make it through season 4 of Game of Thrones, since one of my employees heard how woefully behind I was and offered to let me borrow his DVDs.

Free Food!:

So…a thing happened to me a few weeks ago which has never happened to me before. I took myself to lunch, as I do periodically when I am feeling too sad or angry and want to enjoy being by myself…I am embarrassed to admit that I went to Hofbräuhaus specifically because I wanted to listen to music with accordions though. I had this whole plan to see if they played a particular song that I heard last time, and to see if I could find out the name of it…

Sometimes I’m too weird to be tolerated, I think. (More reasons to go it alone sometimes, eh?)

I didn’t end up solving this song mystery, but a different interesting thing happened. When my server finally plunked a checkbook on the table, it was…empty.

Me: ???
Server: Our lead paid for your meal.
Me: But…why?
(Wolf me: *hiss* Don’t ask why! Just let it happen!!!)
Server: *shrug* He just said to tell you not to worry about it.
Me: Oh…wow…well…thank you. x_x”

I felt pretty good about it the rest of the day, and sort of regret my earlier assertion that I despise people in management…but…also…I am now somewhat conflicted about ever going back there by myself. Although my mom pointed out that the restaurant is in the neighborhood where I grew up, so maybe this person knew who I was? That never happens to me either, though. I don’t look much at all like I did when we lived there.

So much mystery.

Wolf points out that we have to find out that song though, and I have no idea how else to go about it…unless someone here knows of a song with a similar tune to the end credits song in the first Charlie The Unicorn cartoon…? (I doubt anyone does.) Sigh.

And now, for my update Finale…

Theatre Drama:

Omg. So, at my particular place of business within Movie Funtimes USA, each auditorium has doors that exit to the outside. They have complicated alarms and lock mechanisms, and are for emergency use ONLY.
Sometimes people go out of them after movies, which is annoying but nbd.

This time, some kids who were outside started banging on and kicking these doors so that the guests in the movies panicked and ran out of the theatre for their lives and also called the police and the news, which we didn’t know because they didn’t (mostly) stop to talk to us, and we only knew how terrified everyone was when the police arrived all set to take out an active shooter and the news stations started calling my theatre.


I realize we live in troubling times, but people are WAY too quick to report gunfire. Seriously. Calm the fuck down.

So I got to do more incident reports, which turned into emailing back and forth with our regional manager…and I guess I should be grateful because when he’s emailed me about incident reports I’ve submitted this summer, he seems to think much better of me than when he met me at the theatre and thought I was an idiot…

Thabet started joking that all of my pretend letter-writing to der Führer is working to my benefit after all. Guess so. Pbbt.😛

I have more stuff, but…this is already long. I need to find more time to update regularly, eh? (Yeah, I do.)


how I’m feeling


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Gar. I closed last night, then came home at almost 2ish and ate some food. And then woke up around 530 and couldn’t fall back asleep. And gradually felt worse and worse until I went and shut myself in the bathroom and contemplated whether I would feel better if I just threw up, and whether I wanted to feel better that badly. (Wolf me refuses to vomit. He’d rather suffer, I guess.)

Anyway, fast forward to 845ish…I finally feel like I’ve mastered the sick feeling, so I lie back down. And then remember that my alarm will go off in about a half hour to wake up so I have some time to do things before work. Ugh. Work? Nope.

So after my alarm went off, I called the theatre and talked to Mike…he said they could do without me today (I knew that), and he’d put in a sick day for me. Yay.
Spent most of the day sleeping. Didn’t get out of bed until around 3…then ate some soup and felt better, so I went to explore another park near the apartment, where I realized that our metro and state parks have a pretty significant failing: poorly made out maps.

Does anyone else ever go to a park and think, “it will be easy to follow this trail and get back to the parking lot”, and then it turns out that isn’t even slightly true? Well, I run into that a lot, it seems, and it’s annoying. It would be fine if I didn’t always have time constraints with my park visits…unlimited time to explore and not be worried about how I will get back…
But I don’t. And the maps are always impressively vague with their trail markings and distance ratios. I hate it. Like…I’m looking online at a picture of the map for this park, and it’s incomprehensible to me that I ended up where I did because the path on the map doesn’t even go there.


Oh well. Life is full of mysteries, yeah? (Too bad they’re the annoying kind.)

Still felt pretty good after I got home, so Jester and I watched some television…and…idk…just gradually, over the course of the day, I’d been feeling angrier and angrier. There’s no reason for it, of course. None at all. I feel better…I still got paid for today…I went outside and did things…we were having a nice evening…and then BAM! Rage.

I like to think pretty often that maybe I’m getting better at not being angry. But every time I start to think that, absolutely nothing happens and I find myself suddenly seething and ready to lash out at whomever happens to be at hand.

*just wants to be let alone, maybe?*

Or maybe I ought to revisit the idea that my doctor had of giving me citalopram? *makes a face*

I’m not wanting to take medication. Not at all. But supposedly it would help with anxiety (which I might have) and in reading about it, it might also settle the angry feelings…

On the other hand, it’s primarily an antidepressant, and I don’t need that. And also, because it’s an antidepressant, it carries the possibility of causing apathy and “emotional flatness”, which I also don’t think would be to my advantage. And finally…one of the biggest side effects is nausea. That I definitely don’t need. My constant feelings of nausea have dropped significantly, now that I’ve cut back on fried foods and dropped pizza out completely…and also because I’m not as stressed out (right now) by money as I was all for the last year and a half…but as last night reminded me, that can all come back in an instant, and I’d almost rather continue being anxious and angry than spend who knows how many hours with my Wolf and I debating about the merits of vomiting (or not).

I don’t know. I have no idea what to do. Considering that my mom and my sister have had negative reactions to similar medications (i.e. lots of side effects and almost no benefits), and because I’ve seen how these types of medications are affecting Jester and one of my theatre friends…it’s hard to want to take any of it myself. What if nothing happens? What if I am worse off? Because of course I haven’t really talked it over with anyone…Jester and I briefly discussed it, but not really. And the doctor wants me to see a therapist if I start taking the medication, too…

Nope. I’d rather not, thanks!
I don’t want to talk to anyone about how I feel. *gags*

I’ve moved so far beyond wanting to discuss my feelings that I can’t even imagine how to want that. At least, in non-metaphorical terms. Because of course I talk about them all the time. Or at least I hope that the things that interest me convey some sense of how I am feeling or what is happening on the inside of me.

Who knows? Who knows what I am conveying to anyone anymore. I don’t. *pause* Nothing, probably. All things are meaningless.

I keep thinking that, and I wish I wouldn’t. That X, Y or Z doesn’t matter. Because nothing matters.

Maybe we will leave off that train of thought now, yeah? No good.

Here instead is a conversation from work–

Me: Here, catch.
Thabet: *catches the candy bar* Oh, sweet! You brought me a marzipan!
Brandi: And you’re excited about this?
Me: Yeah, we’re pretty enthusiastic about some marzipan.
Brandi: Oh. Huh. I’ve never known there were people who actually enjoy it.
Thabet: What?! Marzipan’s the bomb!
Me: Except with less shrapnel.
Thabet: Yeah. It’s hard to eat with shrapnel in your teeth.
Me: Assuming you still have teeth after the explosion.
Thabet: Wow, Brandi…your eyebrows just keep going up and up.
Brandi: I’m just not sure how we went from one topic to the other.
Thabet: We’re also enthusiastic about explosions?
Me: *helpfully* I have a perfume in a bottle shaped like a hand-grenade.
Brandi: Ooooookay.
Thabet: What does that even smell like?
Me: Pepper, I think.
Thabet: Pepper?
Me: I dunno. It’s a man-perfume. *air-quotation marks* Cologne, if you will.
Thabet: That would explain it being packaged like an explosive.
Me: Because that distracts from acknowledging that it’s still perfume.
Brandi: Well, now that I know what sort of people like marzipan…

Yay, marzipan! ^_^
I also made a picture last week…because I think Jester and I had a disagreement, and I was feeling really crappy and upset…so because we weren’t busy I thought maybe I’d feel better if I used the box of crayons that keeps just sitting in the office, not being used…

Is it awesome? No. But it’s okayish and it makes me feel better to see it hanging from the shelf when I’m counting cash or doing paperwork. Except then it also ended up causing this conversation…

Thabet: *talking about one of our employees* She’s so weird.
Me: You’re so weird.
Thabet: Um, excuse me? I don’t see how you can say that.
Me: I say what I want, that’s how!
Thabet: Well, you know what? You’re weird!
Me: You have no proof.
*Blair comes into the office*
Thabet: Oh? *gestures to the picture* If you were a unicorn, you’d still have a swastika. Because you’re some Nazi-unicorn hybrid that nobody knows if they can trust!
Me: *sadly* Well…rainbows…hearts, butterflies, cookies…all the other cutie marks were taken. I had to make due with what symbols were left to convey my personality.
Blair: So, wait–why am I walking into a conversation about My Little Nazi?
Thabet: My Little Nazi?
Blair: Yeah, like the cartoon My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic…?
Thabet: Oh my god…I can see the new title–Genocide is Magic.
Me: *horrified* Woah, no. That’s not okay.
Thabet: That’s not part of your master plan?
Me: Definitely not. I like the Pegasus ponies and the regular ponies just fine. No animosity toward the non-unicorn ponies.
Thabet: So…what would even be the name of a Nazi unicorn?
Me: Oh…*considers* something like…Kommandant Sternenschein.
*Blair cracks up*
Thabet: Wait, why is that funny?
Blair: *to me* Commander Starshine? You’ve already thought about this, haven’t you?
Thabet: *aghast* You haven’t, have you?
Me: What? No! Definitely not!
Thabet: You have!
*Mike comes into the office*
Me: No! But I am thinking about potential victims for glitter bombings!
Thabet: Oh, god no. Now I’m gonna be afraid to open things.
Mike: Why are we glitter-bombing Thabet?
Blair: Oh, it’s a long story…

Yep. Ponies and being professional and getting lost at parks and also being anxious about being anxious. That sums up a big piece of my life right now.

Yay. -_-

I don’t remember…


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So, I really like to read weird tales type stories. I may have mentioned that before (frequently).

I got a few short story collections for my birthday, back in July, and I just finished the second one…but after I closed the book and was thinking back on them, I realized that I don’t actually remember most of the stories. Not really. Bits of them, maybe, but there wasn’t any particular scene or image or idea that really stuck with me.

Perhaps I’m losing my sensitivity to this genre? (No way! I love thinking about this sort of stuff…)

Perhaps it’s this particular author? But…I doubt that, too. A few of his other stories are some of the most memorable ones I’ve read in this genre.

So…I’m not sure. Maybe I can attribute it to the general feeling of still not being settled. I don’t know when to do things anymore because my habits are all disrupted…can’t just sleep most of the day and spend half the night cleaning and reading and making meaningless posts here anymore…

Some noteworthy things I have done since the last post where I said I had things to say:
– Took myself on a trip to a state park I’ve never been to. It wasn’t awful, but I don’t think I’d go again because it’s far away. Still…I was annoyed because Jester wouldn’t ask for the day off because he wanted to get holiday pay (I get it…I do), and then my sister said at the last minute that she also couldn’t go…my theatre buddy really wanted to go with me, but obviously we aren’t allowed to hang out…I was mad at the other two though, so I told him that I hadn’t told anyone else that I was going to go on my own anyway, so if I didn’t come back, he should at least let them know where to search for a body.

– Got screamed at by an angry dad who wanted to fight me about our R rated movie policy. Because for some reason, I always get the angry dads who want to bust out the macho, threatening body language and think they need to be within three inches of my face to tell me that what they do at our theatre is none of my business…
Short excerpt from our conversation:

Angry Dad: What the hell is this? Who do you think you are, exactly? You think you’re the goddamned movie police or something?
Me: Yes. For this building sir, yes I am.

I didn’t mean to be sarcastic at him, but OMGGGGGG, he was horrible. I had to submit an incident report because he was causing such a scene…one of our employees was on the verge of calling the police when he finally decided to leave…it sucked.

On the other hand, after I filled out the report, I got an email-pat-on-the-back from our regional manager (the one who I still think dislikes me). Bah.
If that’s what I have to do to make myself look better…………..not worth it. Not at all.

I think it’s time for sleep now, but maybe I’ll be back Saturday night? Maybe I’ll even be coherent? Idk.


what a terrible work week


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Well…that didn’t go quite like I’d anticipated, buuuuut having not posted about any of the things I was thinking about in my last post means I’ll still have ideas for a day when I am bored and am sitting around with a lot of extra time to kill (lol…so never, actually).

I haven’t really had much time for anything enjoyable lately…because we’re having a mass exodus of employees at Movie Funtimes USA, which means that for the last 2.5 weeks before school is back in session (which, incidentally, is the reason for all of our employees quitting…because of school), we haven’t had enough employees to cover all of the needed shifts.

That sucks for me because I write our crew schedule, and I spent a lot of time pleading and wheedling and bribing the supervisors and the other managers to work crew shifts. Just on my own, I worked three double shifts, but the worst one was this past Sunday.

I was at the theatre for just over 17 hours. And that was after a sleep of only 4 hours the night before. And to make it all even better, our popper broke down the night before, so we had no way to make our own popcorn and every manager and supervisor who was in that day had to make a trip down to another one of our locations to get popcorn from them and bring it back in giant bags…

By the end of the night, everything hurt and I was SO tired. It was probably the worst non-holiday shift I have ever worked at this theatre.
Although really the whole weekend was pretty crap, because 2 of our AC units broke down and also on Thursday night we had a midnight show of Suicide Squad that didn’t start and led to a long chain of nonsense that had us at the theatre until after 4am.

…we have this “Stars” system where our crew can earn a “star” for going above and beyond their normal duties–cleaning up poo or vomit, dealing with exceptionally angry guests, helping with other unusual circumstances, etc–and then they can trade stars for free concession items or, if they earn 50+ stars, they can request a gift card to the place of their choosing. Thabet and I gave stars to everyone who worked concession Saturday night and Sunday, and that resulted in the following conversation.

Thabet: So who are we giving stars to again?
Me: Everyone who was concession on Saturday night and Sunday.
Thabet: Dang, that’s a lot of stars.
Me: Oh, and give one to Kurt for locking the doors for us on Thursday.
Thabet: I feel like Oprah. *points* You get a star! *points* And you get a star! You all get a star!
Me: Oprah, huh?
Thabet: Yeah. You know, like how she gives away cars.
Me: Heh.
Thabet: What?
Me: I’m going to hell, that’s what.
Thabet: Why this time?
Me: Oh. Because Nazi Oprah. ‘You get a star! And you get a star! All the Jews get stars!’
Thabet: Oh my god, that’s terrible! *cracks up*
Me: Yep. *lays face down on paperwork* I’m the worst.
Thabet: Naw, you’re just tired.
Me: …do you think that if der Führer is amused, I can to earn extra sleep rations?
Thabet: Aww. I wouldn’t count on it.

On the other hand…some good news…
I went with my boss and another manager and GM from the theatre that was helping us out with popcorn, and we did a peer audit of a theatre in a different city…easiest day ever. No responsibility for floor operations, and half the day spent in the car anyway…but even this one trip has apparently helped my cred. with some of the other GMs in our market and with my boss’s boss, who has heretofore had a pretty low opinion of me.

Even though Mike is going out of his way to help me out here, that still didn’t stop him from bringing my fake theatre persona into the mix…I blame him for the portion of the car ride where the discussion turned to “origins of the swastika symbol”. Despite the above conversation, it wasn’t me this time. I swear. x_x”

Anyway…I’m gonna be gone again for a while. Waiting on my youngest sister to arrive so we can go out of town for a few days and I won’t have to think about popcorn at all.

And also…I found my earbuds while packing. And I am wearing my wrist spikes for the first time again in yeeeeeears. Woot.
*such excite!*