The Orchards (Rome)


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It wouldn’t be a proper countdown if I didn’t miss days and get behind for one reason or another…

#23 is The Orchards, by Rome.

I think this is another song that I just like because it makes me feel calm, although it’s exactly that calm tone of the song that makes it difficult for me to decide how I should think of it.

It seems lost, for the most part, with phrases like “let us float in a stupor of blood”, and then “we are left to wander” or “into the orchards, we slide”, all of which seem directionless…but the refrain (in German) is that “movement is created by attitude”. So I guess if you can’t bring yourself to care, then of course that’s how you find yourself wandering or sliding or floating in a stupor…..

Indifferent. That is the word I was trying to think of–I feel like indifference is the primary tone here, but not cruel indifference…maybe more like exhausted or worn out indifference…the indifference where you are alright with whatever happens because it takes the weight off of you. Maybe acquiescent is an even better word.

Although somehow this song makes it feel like maybe the feeling of indifference or acquiescence is alright. (It probably isn’t.)


To Each His Ground (Rome)


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#24 is To Each His Ground, by Rome.

A lot of Rome songs draw up images in my mind…this one usually makes me think of driving in the late summer or early fall, when things haven’t really started changing a lot yet, but the shadows get longer earlier, and the evenings aren’t quite as warm…

I haven’t really made up my mind as to what this one means to me yet. But I do like it. Another one of the songs I feel calm about. Not as bleak as Kriegsgötter. Not that it isn’t still bleak though. The lines that seem to carry the most weight for me are

Don’t kid yourself
We’d rather be mad than delighted
You’d rather be entertained
Than enlightened

Seems pretty apt for the way things are these days. Everything is a storm of people being mad over all kinds of things, and nobody wants to agree–just be mad. Be right. And nobody wants to think hard about whether they actually are right…they just want to be catered to and validated at the expense of those they disagree with. It’s sickening. And it makes me feel like maybe none of it matters at all. Who cares. Who can be troubled to care when no matter what you agree with, everyone is being awful to the people they disagree with.

Maybe we should just leave each other alone.

Exterminate Annihilate Destroy (Rotersand)


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#25 is Exterminate Annihilate Destroy, by Rotersand.

It was the Daleks that caught my attention in this one, and then it turned out to be the sort of thing that Wolf me is drawn to anyway. Not sure how sci-fi villain industrial music became a thing, but this appeared in one of my Pandora stations, along with another industrial song that was entirely lines from Darth Sidious and Darth Vader. That one almost made the countdown, but got bumped out by Patenbrigade: Wolff.

So yeah. Angry Daleks. And a theme of recruiting people to destroy your enemies? If I think about it, they’re not exactly compatible, because the Dalek worldview is one of superiority to all other species. So they don’t do much recruiting. Just exterminating.

Maybe the speaker is being recruited against the Daleks? I don’t know. I’m probably thinking too much about it.

I am not so much a fan of the end portion of this song–it doesn’t feel like it fits in with the rest as a whole–but obviously that didn’t turn my off enough to drop it from my countdown.

Gods and Monsters (from American Horror Story)


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#26 is Gods and Monsters, from American Horror Story, season 4.

I didn’t do as much reading or as much music browsing this past year in part because working first shift (wake up at 4am, get home MAYBE at 5pm, go to bed at 9pm…) was exhausting. I couldn’t get up the energy to do much besides sit down and watch television.

So because I was too tired to be fully mentally engaged, I watched the entire series of The Office (American version), American Horror Story, Penny Dreadful, and a few other things…not my usual habit at all, since I’ve never really been much of a TV person.

I liked the idea behind American Horror Story, where a series of cast members rotates through the seasons, playing different characters each time, with different storylines and different focuses…almost like a theatre troupe.

I liked seasons two and four best out of what I’ve watched, which only includes what’s available on Netflix right now, but I was also kind of impressed with the occasional showcasing of the cast as musicians. Especially in season 4, where the entire season is a show within a show. And maybe the song isn’t amazing (I’ve never heard the Lana Del Rey version), but it was one more that got stuck in my head enough to warrant adding to my music library.

Wind (Forseti)


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#27 is Wind, by Forseti.

The biggest reason I like this song is because the music captures so perfectly the feel of deep winter…where the holidays are over and it’s not fun and festive anymore, and maybe there’s snow, but it’s old snow and isn’t bright and new anymore…or maybe it’s just the grey skies and dead earth. This song puts me in mind of all of that.

I like also that the whole song is a personification of the wind, with the first two parts describing the wildness and destructive power of wind (yeah, the lyrics and the music are kind of at odds here), and the last being about the gentler winds renewing the earth…

In a way, the lyrics are almost more like a poem than a song…but I guess that’s one of the things about some of the neofolk stuff that I came across…the lyrics are less sing-songy and instead are almost chants set to music…I kinda like it, but I haven’t been sold on enough of those songs for any others besides this one to appear in this year’s countdown.

Zehner Marsch (Wehrmacht Musikkorps)


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#28 is the Zehner Marsch, which I feel only made it into this countdown because it is so short.

I really tried to cut back on listening to the Musikkorps recordings this year, thinking maybe it was in my best interest…I don’t know though.
I feel better when I am listening to them. Calmer…which is kind of the opposite of most of the music I like, which usually serves to agitate in one way or another.

Maybe it’s because I still (erroneously, probably) associate the marches with the carousel from my childhood vacations? I swear, I am still mad about finding out that they changed the music box so that I couldn’t prove one way or the other that I’d heard some of these songs before…

Oh well.
I had trouble finding out much about the history or composition of this song, so that makes it not as much fun as some of the other marches, but like I said: it’s very short. Maybe that’s something to do with why I can’t find out much.

Pump Up The Jam (Death in Rome)


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#29 is a cover of Technotronic’s Pump Up the Jam, done by the neofolk band Death in Rome.

One of the things that makes me a little sad about the hospital job is that I no longer listen to music while I’m working, which means I don’t have as much opportunity to come across bizarre stuff like Death in Rome, which I am kind of repulsed and fascinated by. Some of the songs they covered actually don’t sound bad in this genre…but at the same time, I genuinely regret having heard their cover of Aqua’s Barbie Girl. And Rhianna’s Diamonds.

I’m kind of mad that this one ended up in my countdown, because I really didn’t like it when I heard it, but it’s one of those songs that gets stuck in one’s head, so I begrudgingly added it to my music library. And here we are.

I finally heard the original version of this song a few weeks ago and felt even more mad at myself for liking such a stupid cover of such a stupid song…but…this version at least has good music even if the lyrics are still a little bit lacking.

Kriegsgötter (Rome)


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#30 is Kriegsgötter, by Rome.

I finally downloaded the rest of their available discography toward the end of last year, so while there are still a number of songs from them in my countdown (8 this time), at least not all of them are ones that I’ve already posted about.

Typical me–I like the ominous tone of this song. One of my favourite things about Rome is that they manage to portray bitterness without spilling over into anger, or to portray melancholy without making it overtly sad…all of those more grey emotions they do really, really well. I am constantly impressed by it.

This one seems like a fairly bitter song to me. And one that, again, I feel at least illustrates a little of how I’ve felt this past year. Because there’s no place for that bitterness to go. No revenge to be had. No certainty about what to do next. Just the sinking feeling that humans don’t matter. Or that being human doesn’t matter. That, in the end, we’re all just things. All just meaningless.

The bleak strain that weaves in with the ominous one towards the end seems perfect, in an upsetting kind of way.

I like it.

song countdown – Signal (Patenbrigade: Wolff)


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I did eventually come back from vacation. And I have been…just…busy?
I don’t even know anymore.

Partly busy and trying to do something every weekend. And trying really hard to do more chores more often. And just…trying to keep myself from feeling crappy through just staying busy so that there isn’t time to think about it.

But I do feel crappy. A lot. Like my life is going nowhere and I’ll never accomplish anything and that I’ve wasted the entirety of my twenties just milling around and not knowing what to do…

And I tried to do some things about it. I really have.

Like starting on anxiety medication. It seems to have helped a little bit in that I don’t bolt up from a sleep, panicking. So that’s good. And maybe it’s helped some with my anger, because I can feel now that some of those sudden bursts of rage were fueled by anxiety that I couldn’t identify and that didn’t have anywhere else to go…

So I feel more docile, I guess. But I don’t feel good about it.

I also tried to achieve one of my goals…a little goal. But it was still important to me…

We got a dog. Because I need a best friend. And even when I am around people and they tell me they like me and even though I got married and I know that Jester loves me…I just feel lonely. All the fucking time. So we got a dog from an animal rescue, and I will post about him specifically after my music countdown is done…

But yeah. I know. I haven’t been posting very much this year, and not at all these last few months. Because of the unhappiness. And the trying to keep busy to avoid it. And the anxiety. And the gradual loss of interest in lots of the things that used to make me happy. Like reading, which I haven’t done in months and as a result just skipped posting my September reading list because…just…what’s the point? (Who knows–maybe I have been depressed after all.)

I do want to post my most-listened-to music from this year though. Because at least that has managed to hold my interest in spite of everything else.

#31 is Signal, by Patenbrigade: Wolff.

I spent most of the summer going through my “Goth” playlist, where I’ve crammed in every Darkwave, Symphonic metal, Doom, cabaret, EBM, industrial, neo-folk song I have…and I came across this mix I had downloaded from Soundcloud yeeeears ago. I couldn’t find the playlist for that mix again, and had to download an app to find out what the songs were…and so here we have Signal.

Is it amazing? Do I even understand it? Maybe not. And no, respectively. I know some of the words, but I haven’t taken my Amazon account’s recommendation that I learn German. Yet. (I swear, you buy ONE translated book and suddenly–BAM! We’d like to recommend a ton of language learning books and software!)

I still like this one though. I like that I get to have both the loud and disorienting music, and the weird juxtaposition of the spoken portions. They’re not screaming and screeching…they’re not heavily distorted…overall, I think they give the impression that one can still forge a way through the chaos, although I haven’t been able to find the lyrics anywhere (in English or German) to see if my impression is anything close to correct.

I’ll see you all tomorrow for #30. Hopefully.


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Well, I’m on day 3 of a 10-day vacation right now. It feels more like day 1 though, because yesterday I spent all day driving and the day before I spent the day getting my hair coloured blue and going out to a concert with Jester.

The blue hair is interesting…the dye didn’t take evenly, and the bleaching beforehand made my hair Barbie-blonde, so now the overall look is “ariel view of the Great Barrier Reef”, where some bits are medium blue, some are greeny-blue, and some are still sandy coloured. Still, it’s a fun change. I’ll have to colour it back to a “natural” colour before I go back to work, of course.

The concert was a good time (despite my back and legs being in a lot of pain after the 5 hours were up). We heard a band that was new to us called The Long Losts, and they were pretty cool. Kind of spooky themed music with lots of haunted house sounds mixed in…and a tambourine.

We also saw Bella Morte, which was the biggest reason I’d wanted to go to the show. I don’t know a lot of their songs from more recent albums because they started sounding more punk than I really like…but they did a song called Find Forever Gone, which I’ve always liked (and which they dedicated to the people in their hometown–Charlottesville–were standing up to the alt-right), and I was really glad about that. I have a curiosity about a lot of artists that I like but have never heard live…like, do they sound as good live as they do in recordings? And I’m always afraid I’ll be disappointed, especially with vocalists…but not this time. He really does have a good voice, and I was glad to hear them play, even if I didn’t know a lot of their other songs.

Voltaire was headlining, which I always think is funny when he’s not got a backup band…it’s hard to follow up two full, energetic acts with an acoustic headliner, but most of his songs are fun enough that it doesn’t seem to matter.

He did talk a lot more this time though…which isn’t a bad thing…just…not as upbeat as I expected.

I’m so used to Goth artists not generally using concerts as a platform to talk about things that are important to them that when they do decide they want to take a minute to come against fascism, or to talk about how they didn’t end up committing suicide…it surprises me. I don’t know why it would, and you’d think that after growing up going to exclusively Chtistian concerts where they DO take time all the time to talk about important things at concerts that it wouldn’t throw me off…but it does. And I guess that’s a measure too, of just how important these things really are to the artists, since that’s not usually a thing Goths do. *reflects quietly*

Btw, do you have any idea how hard it is to write a post on a phone? Ugh. I apologize for any errors due to auto-correct and me clicking the wrong thing in the predictive text boxes.

And that brings me to the next thing I have been thinking about during my long drive by myself yesterday (it was like 8 hours). I am going to have to hope I was right about people’s tendency to overlook things. Because I did get a new phone…buuuut I went and bought a case with the same grammar-Nazi symbol. Because I like it…and I think I’ve integrated that whole thing into my idea of “who Reeser is” too much to just let it go. But now I’m afraid someone will see it and make an incorrect assumption about what it means. Same with the sticker on my car. And the Rome and Nachtmahr shirts that my dad has already asked me to explain (which is unlike him as he never seems to pay much attention to my interests). And my black sun pendant.

Kind of a lot more than I was expecting when I started this nonsense. But so far in my life I have been pretty good at going unnoticed. And a lot of people won’t recognize what they’re looking at anyway…I’m just afraid of the possibility that ONE person will notice and *think* they know…and that could turn out badly for me.

My sister is bugging me to get out of bed now, so I guess I had better go.