Read some of my posts from last March / April.
It’s astonishing, how I can post these things and KNOW that I’m only going to look back on them and cringe about the fact that those words ever came out of my fingertips… and that knowledge never stops me. I always do it. I always make the post.
It’s pretty astonishing, too, how I can post these things… and not at all sound my age.
I’m nearly 21. I don’t feel bad about posting that, since my birth date is on the sidebar. If you’re smart, you could figure out my age on your own.
Heck, you don’t have to be particularly smart to do it.
What I do feel bad about is that even now, I STILL sound all angsty and whiney… and I do it in such an unpleasant way.
What is up with me and my posting?
Maybe I just like having things to complain and feel bad about.
What a crazy I am turning out to be!
Mike and I used to talk about that kind of thing, back when we were friends… about how we sometimes felt this sort of… “addiction” to feeling depressed about things.
I kind of wish we’d talked a little more in-depth about that, just to see if we really had the same sort of thing going on.
Too bad I didn’t ask more… I felt bad, asking, since he told me about it when he was having one of his “down” times. Didn’t wanna make things worse.
But, now that I’ve said that… I don’t want you to go away with the wrong idea.
I can’t speak for Mike, but I CAN speak for myself when I say that, no, I’m not “emo” (ah, yes, an angsty, high-school term).
I don’t cut and never have.
I’ve never tried to kill myself.
I’ve never had any eating disorders.
Never had any trouble with substance abuse.
My parents are nice and treated me pretty good while I was growing up. I still live with them, and I still like them… even if they can be jerks sometimes (I know I am, too, sometimes… so I’m not saying I’m better than they are).
I almost always do exceptionally well in school.
Chris treats me really well, although we do have our arguments now and then.
Overall, I haven’t had it too bad.
I have no idea what it is that makes me feel like everything isn’t that great.
The only thing that really comes to mind is that I have trouble with friends. I can’t make friends very easily, and when I have them, I don’t seem to talk to them very often… and they don’t talk to me often either.
Most of my friends live far away, and can be excused for not hanging out more often… but what about my friends that DO live close? Rarely do they ever invite me to hang out… and when I’ve attempted to do things with them before, most of them turn me down.
Makes me sad.
And then… I have friends who “friend-dump” me for really stupid reasons. Really really stupid reasons. And they rarely ever talk to me about why they did it, and when they do “talk” about it, they give me the most delightfully ridiculous and unsatisfying answers…
Some of them try to talk to me (or vise-versa) now and then after they “friend-dump” me, but usually those conversations are stiff and fizzle out soon afterward… for various reasons, depending on the “ex-friend” in question.
But… why am I mentioning this?
Because Mike, who also “friend-dumped” me, and I once talked about being addicted to making ourselves feel bad.
I wonder why he did it… made himself feel depressed on purpose. I might have asked him, but I don’t remember. I have that conversation saved somewhere… yes, it was over IM… but I don’t feel much like looking for it. I don’t remember what he told me was his reason for making himself feel bad. Maybe we were trying to figure it out and never came to a real conclusion.
I certainly don’t know what my reason for doing it is.
All I know is how it affects what I write.
All the characters that are me, they’re all… not right, somehow.
These characters turn out temperamental and lash out at people who haven’t done anything wrong, or they’ll be really… mmm… well, if they think an important relationship is at stake, they’ll get all weird about it and… I’m not really sure how to explain it.
They’ll get really down, but they won’t say anything about it… and they’ll start doing whatever they can to make themselves useful to the other character, even if it’s really tedious and/or inconvenient…
I guess that’s me. If things go badly with one of the few friends I DO have, I get into a bad temper about it with everyone except that person… whether it’s his or her fault or someone else’s… or mine.
Even being “friend dumped” by Mike, I couldn’t be too mad with him. I was a little mad, but mostly… I wish we could have worked things out, but he told me to never ever contact him again…
Being “friend dumped” by Aaron or Katy… pretty much the same. It was a long time before I finally got mad at them for not acknowledging my efforts… since they never did tell me to stop talking to them (they should have done, if that was what each had intended).
Plus… in each of these situations, I also did that whole “let me do something I hate since it allows me to spend time with you” thing in each situation.
With Katy, the one time when she finally DID let me talk to her for real… I ended up setting off tiny firecrackers in her yard and playing with matches… and getting hit in the head with a golf club because we were having a contest to see who could hit a golf ball farther and I… ah… got in her way when she swung. I didn’t complain though… I laughed it off (really, I did… it disturbed her a lot though and she made me get an ice pack and sit down).
With Aaron, the last time we ever hung out was right after I graduated… and we went to get ice cream and it was really sticky outside, but I didn’t complain. Nor did I complain when he started railing about politics. I was very nice and I went along and did it because I liked having him as a friend.
And with Mike, I called him a number of times right before he blew up at me… and talked about country music, of all things. I can’t stand country, but he liked it and it was helpful to me because he could tell me some about the music I was loading for the country specialty show on WXCU.
What’s this got to do with feeling bad though?
Well, obviously I feel bad that these friendships didn’t work out.
I don’t really have too many close friends. I have a number of acquaintances, and a few less-close friends… but my close friends that I really really talk to about things?
Frodo had more fingers on his hand AFTER Gollum bit off the Ring.
Maybe I’m just really morbid and like to think about what it would feel like if those few, few close friends were gone.
I want to keep them though.
I wish this all didn’t come out so much, so often in my writing.
“Limping through the world there’s a knowing look or two.
Is it just the cripples here who understand the truth?
Why is love so painful? Why do we always lose?
Paving pathways for the lost, the bitter, and recluse.”