I hate bizarre coincidences, and I hate technology that I can’t figure out, and I curse the busy-ness that prevents people from responding to me.
Wolf is getting really worked up lately, and I’m afraid one more of these things will set him after someone’s blood…nobody in particular, just…whoever is first to get him really angry. *sigh* Maybe we’ll feel better tomorrow and less like killing something would be good stress relief (I mean kill figuratively, of course).
Anyway, here’s the deal:
Courage Wolf (just search for him on Google Images) is driving us insane. My Wolf thinks he’s mocking us and started making the same face back at him. He says Courage Wolf has a demon (this is odd, coming from the side of us that likes destruction…at least we’re both in perfect agreement that Insanity Wolf is demonic), and that Dog’s mind is too easily read.
Neither Mother Star, Mike, or K have written back to me. Mother Star can be excused, since I know she doesn’t have internet at her home…but I know Mike and K have both been online. I’m getting anxious about why they haven’t written back. I hope they’re both satisfactorily busy. We’ll accept that…maybe.
I had the unpleasant experience of having someone show up in my Facebook feed who does not show up on my friends list. Now it’s Dog and Wolf’s turn to make fun. Wolf suggests that this person is a witch and must be killed…and then he and Dog roll around and laugh while I hiss at them from up in my tree.
I have to stop talking like this. I really really should for the sake of all you nice people who bother reading my posts, but it is hard. I don’t like to explain myself. Too many people have gotten bored or told me I was wrong when I tried to explain in great detail instead of like this…and…er…how can I be wrong when I’m talking about me? I know better than anyone else what I’m talking about.
I can explain this much though.
This is the side of me that likes to make friends and do nice things and who cares about people. His problems are that his feelings are easily hurt and he’s always afraid to bring it up because he thinks other people are better than us, and if we get slighted, i was either an accident, or we must’ve done something to deserve it, and although loyalty is one of his strong points, it does sort of border on obsession sometimes.
This is just about the opposite of Dog. He hates people and wants them to suffer when they aren’t nice to us. Wolf will sometimes do things that seem nice, but he probably thought he’d get something out of it (I suspect he must care about a few people though, since he gets very angry on their behalf). At his best, Wolf is brutally honest and will pick the easiest way to do something, even if it’s not pretty…and at worst…you wouldn’t want to know him.
She’s the side of me that’s usually mediating between the other two and convincing us that if something bad happens, we have options for dealing with it apart from crawling in a hole and crying our eyes out or thinking murderous thoughts about every person we see…and that if we want other people to like us, there are ways to go about it that don’t involve quietly fawning, or swearing blood oaths to prove we’re friends. I think the Cat side of me is the side most people meet, and it’s probably for the best because she’s a lot more…normal…than the other two. Also good because Cat is usually the one who decides what we actually do in any given situation.
And…I don’t know…I’m certain this looks weird to talk about myself this way, but it makes it a bit easier for me to understand myself if I think of my whole personality as having these different sides to it. I know that a single person’s personality is far more complex than this illustration would make it seem, but it suits my purposes.
I tend to talk about “Dog” and “Wolf” as if they’re other people, but I know that’s not the case…they are me. Every moment of Dog feeling euphoric or guilty or excited or heartbroken because of something is my moment. Every time he does something nice for somebody else, it was me that did it. But all the same…every time Wolf disregards other people’s feelings, or intentionally hurts them, I did that too. Every time Wolf swears or breaks things or flies into a rage…it was all me.
I think I probably think about myself way too much…but…I don’t know…I think part of the reason I do it is because I’m not very proud of myself. I don’t think I’m a good person, but I don’t really know what kind of person I am at all. I think I know more than I used to though…for instance, I used to not know the Wolf side of myself at all, so maybe that’s good. Maybe not, since Wolf is my extreme bad side…hm.
I’ve mentioned it before, but I had a professor who always used to say that you could never really know someone else, no matter how close you could get to them…and I hate that he said that because I think it’s true. It bothers me a lot. I hate when I’m talking to other people and I remember him saying that I’ll never ever know anyone else, because then I can start to feel that invisible wall. It’s like…being so close that you could almost reach out and touch something, but you’ll never quite be close enough. (Curse you, Greek myths…this is a concept from the story of Tantalus).
And not only do I hate the concept of never really knowing because it hinders my feeling close to other people…but I’m always questioning me as to whether I really know myself, either. I didn’t used to be so weird about that, but enough happened over the last three years that I always kind of wonder about me now. Do I really know what I might do in a given situation? Do I really know my own opinions? Am I even consistent when I say I’ve taken an opinion? I don’t think I know any of that anymore.
Anyway…enough of my weirdness. I’m going to go read the 50 page introduction to a book I didn’t understand three years ago, and probably still won’t understand. And then I can quietly rage at someone when he uses the word “deconstruction,” since because by its’ own definition, I can never definitively say if he’s using it correctly or not 😛
“If you are in love
with a married vampire girl,
make her a widow.”
Ryan Mecum, Vampire Haiku