So, I said I’d post another dream today…and I almost didn’t because I went searching for a survey to review this past year…but all I could find was one crappy one that didn’t even allow me to answer questions properly. That means I’ll have to find some other way of reviewing this last year and the 00’s, respectively.
It also means I get to post up my other dream from (now) two nights ago. Here it is…
I was at this ramshackle (that’s a fun word) old farmhouse with a bunch of people. Most of them were outside, but that’s okay because they don’t figure too much into my dream.
There were a bunch of horses and cows on the farm that something had been killing, and some people had said they’d seen what killed the animals, and that it was a huge wolf with glowing green eyes.
One of the people who said she’d seen the wolf was this girl in the group of us that was inside the house. The girl had short, curly black hair and giant eyes—kind of like Betty Boop, although that was as far as her resemblance to that cartoon character went—and a white hoodie. My friend, Jester, and the frizzy-haired girl from my previous dream were also there, but they just sat in the back of the room and listened to everybody else talk. Thankfully, frizzy girl didn’t seem to be on drugs this time.
The last person in our group was this guy that resembled the Matt Damon character from that Invictus movie. I haven’t even seen that movie, but…there he was (ha! Take that, Chris! A representative from South Africa who is not the Sky Demon! :P).
Anyway, we were all in this sort of loft space that you could get to via ladder, and Betty was telling Matt (awesome…I have names for my fictional dream characters for once) and I about the wolf, and how she’d seen it killing a horse the night before…and that it spoke to her and tried to persuade her to come away from the house and join it, but she’d run back inside. She wanted to know if we thought it could be a werewolf, because that’s what she thought it was, and wasn’t there some way to kill those?
Matt started pulling these mildewy-looking books off a shelf, and the three of us poured over them until we found some information about werewolves (gotta love how these kinds of books are always lying around rickety old houses), and figured out how to kill it…and Betty made this big show of looking all excited about it, and she told us that she was going to go tell everyone that we could kill the wolf, but Matt and I didn’t think that the wolf was a werewolf after all.
He and I thought the wolf was Satan, and that Betty secretly wanted it to come back and had told us it was a werewolf so we wouldn’t figure out what it really was and how to get rid of it.
Well, we didn’t know how to get rid of it, but Matt and I went outside to try and warn everyone else that the only way they’d be safe was to come inside the house (apparently this would have worked against Satan wolf???), but nobody was listening to us. Matt was talking to people close to the house, but I went further outside, over to where there was this big barn where all the horse stalls were…and then I heard a big crunching noise and people and horses started screaming. Someone opened the barn door on the side I was walking along, and some people and horses bolted out in front of me…and then this huge wolf rushed out and started running around, yanking people’s arms clean off and bowling horses over and ripping their sides or throats open…it was like those ridiculous scenes in movies where a big monster or animal or robot or whatever goes after a crowd or herd of something and somehow catches almost every single one of them because it’s so big and fast…
So there were a bunch of dead or half-dead people and animals all over, and the wolf was disemboweling this big chestnut horse…and I couldn’t move. My dream-self was terrified that the wolf would see me if I moved, so I just stood there watching him…and it turned out that he wolf was half-dead himself. On one side, his coat had ripped off all the way from his shoulder and down his ribs, and part of his face was ripped off and oozing this glowing green stuff…one of his eyes was rotted out and the other one was completely white. You know. The usual things that are wrong with things in my dreams that try to kill me.
Then he looked up at me and put his ears back and started snarling…except that he wasn’t angry. He was excited about getting to kill me so that I couldn’t convince anybody else of what he was…but he didn’t start chasing me right away, so I ran to this tall pole that had a bell on top, and started pulling the rope so that any people left outside would know the wolf was back (if they didn’t already know) and could try to hide or get inside the house or something. Then the wolf bolted at me.
My dream self must be a faster runner than I am, but not fast enough, because I only just made it inside, but I didn’t shut the door, so the wolf followed me in. I only escaped by scrambling onto the ladder and having Matt, Jester, and Frizzy pull me up before the wolf could get me.
Wolf snarled at us and dashed off into the lower level of the house, and Matt ran to shut the door that went from the loft into the rest of the upstairs, because there was a staircase that the wolf could use to get upstairs.
Then we saw Betty through the window on the door, and she was in the upstairs hallway where the wolf was. I kind of feel like she’d been planning on helping the wolf get at us and thought better of it…and she started banging on the window in the door, looking really scared, but we weren’t about to open the door for her. Instead, we just watched as the wolf padded up the hall behind her and looked at her for a while. Then she realized we were all looking at something behind her, so she turned around and saw the wolf. Then she started screaming and beating on the door, but Matt pulled down the roller shade on our side so we couldn’t see her and that was the grisly end of Betty.
Then, as the wolf was crunching up Betty’s bones, two guys ran in the downstairs door. We put the ladder down for them and they climbed up as fast as they could, before the wolf could get back downstairs. But wolf didn’t go back down right away…when he was done with Betty, he kept pounding and scraping at the door to the loft, trying to get at us, but he couldn’t get in, and we all kept praying the door would hold up…and it did. Eventually, wolf went back downstairs and outside to catch the people who hadn’t made it in the house in time, but we knew he’d try and come back, so we sent the two guys we’d pulled in back down the ladder to shut the door to the house so the wolf couldn’t get in again…and it was really weird because the two guys were people I worked on the university radio station with, Stephen and Brendan.
So then we started talking about how glad we were to have gotten away, but what would we do when wolf came back, etc, etc…and that’s when my dream self had this awful revelation that you’ll get in dreams sometimes…the ones that don’t make sense, and you don’t even know how you know that they’re true, but they are. You know the kind.
My dream-self suddenly just knew that not only was I standing in the loft with these few people who had escaped the wolf—I was also the wolf.
The Satan wolf was me.
I wasn’t as scared by this dream as I was last December, when I had that dream about Marilyn Manson trying to kill me (ah, the initial dream that started me off on this crazy series of monster dreams), but I felt pretty uneasy about this dream when I woke up. I know I refer to my evil side as Wolf, but he’s not that evil, is he? Like…I know that what I described here might not sound evil in any special way, but there was a really bad feeling that I got from the wolf, which is why I thought he was Satan at first.
I don’t think I have that capacity for evil…do I?
Of course, this is where we start the deep philosophical discussion about human nature and whether we all have the same capacity for evil, and what the heck do we mean by “evil” anyway?
I don’t know…I had a discussion with K recently, about my wolf side (although I didn’t call it that), and she said she’ll go through times when she gets similar impulses to do senselessly violent or destructive things…but I think I want to ask her about that some more. I don’t think Wolf’s impulses (which thankfully I can restrain, even though it’s hard sometimes) are limited to the physical realm. I think there’s a mean-spirited element to this where Wolf wants to hurt or upset people…not because of anything they do to him, but because he just wants people to hurt…it’s like he enjoys doing mean or bad things simply because they’re bad.
It makes me sad to talk about myself this way. Like, I’m not a particularly mean or bad person. I’m really very fun and nice if you get to know me…but I have this other side that I didn’t ever really acknowledge or know about until I started college, and it wasn’t until sometime in maybe the last two years that I could even describe this side of myself, or that I had any inkling of how bad this side could be if I allowed it…
I think…(some) people make a big deal out of self-knowledge or self-discovery and all the good that can come from getting to know yourself, and sure, I’ve learned some good (or useful, at least) things about myself, but I don’t think anyone ever warns people that they can find out some really terrible things about themselves, too.
This is a terrible end-of-year post.