Snot-filled Preface to Reeser’s End-of-10 Post:
(Jester, I write this part for your benefit…just so you know :P)
So, my antibiotic is working. How can I tell? Well…my nose is running, and my sinuses are draining down my throat and causing me to sound particularly consumptive. If only I had a Victorian costume to wear along with my melancholy facial expressions!
And also, this morning I blew my nose and heard this wet, disgusting SMACK sound. Apparently the force of my nose-blowing propelled it through the tissue and onto the toilet lid…and what was it?, you might ask. Well…it looked like a small alien life form, and also obscenely huge to have come out of my little nose.
I can do without any of that in the coming year, thanks.
Now, let’s take a look at the previous year, shall we?
I was just realizing that I was finally dead enough that I didn’t care that much anymore about one of the things that’s been most important to me…and also most messed me up. It was the first time I saw Dog as a zombie and knew I was rotting and might never be what I had been before that. And as I was realizing all this, I was also being instructed by one of my friends on how to tactfully deliver some very bad news to someone else that we both used to be friends with…we felt like she should know she was set to marry a guy who had accounts on all these trashy, semi-pornographic web sites…
As far as I know, telling her didn’t do any good, but the dead me was a better messenger than a live me would have been. Less emotionally involved and all that.
And as part of me began to look for a coffin to curl up in and rest, Wolf sprang up and made a bid to become my dominant side. Mostly I let him, because he’s so useful for my writing, but I really didn’t feel good about his “the world will bend to my will if I press it hard enough” mentality, so I had to curb him where the rest of my doings were concerned.
In lesser news, I started going on workshop visits to one of my university friends, so that was fun…and I dreamt about being killed (surprise, surprise).
And our house was egged in the middle of the night.
Wow…I had a good near-Valentine’s Day post (I think this is it)…apparently I was really interesting when I was writing halfway from my coffin and halfway morphed into a monster. Apparently this that was also part of what led to Wolf taking an interest in other wild animals that we meet…mustangs and wildcats and such.
I think this was when I started writing more murder poems, too…most of which are unfit for reading, but they did happen. I wrote some good poems that month, too, though…and even sent them out and got them taken up by some publications. And that’s really all I have to say for February…it was short and I was glad.
It got worse. I was less eloquent about it, but my feeling like I was becoming steadily angrier kept on growing. I know why I was angry…but at the same time, I don’t. Surely you know how it is, when you’ve known something for a long time…like…years of knowing, and it FINALLY starts to sink in. It was awful.
In more mundane news, I did more job hunting and also started talking more to my cat friend. So…in a roundabout way, my angry feelings (and the random feeling like I would die, since I guess that happened, too) were not such a bad thing in the longer run…but it was dreadful at the time.
I have comments on my Apr. 2nd post that are particularly interesting to me now…but that’s not important…overall, it was another bad month for me, but at least I know why that was instead of having just vague recollections of unhappiness like I had for Jan.-Mar.
It was dreadful, but April was very…eye-opening for me. I discovered that sometimes asking nicely is useless, and even threats aren’t enough to deter people from doing things that will upset me. It shouldn’t have been shocking, but it was…and since I failed myself in preventing it, what did I do? I did everything in my power to quietly destroy the offender. And unfortunately (I say “unfortunately” because I’m sorry I am capable of being so cruel…not because I’m especially sad about the eventual result), I succeeded…although I stupidly went back and tried to pretend that it was okay after all and I wasn’t hurt and I regretted my retaliatory outburst of rage. What an idiot. I could have saved C and I several months of time that wound up being wasted, and I could have saved us a substantial amount of money…but I didn’t do it. Part of me is glad I didn’t, because things might have turned out differently…but sometimes…another part of me wishes I had been honest with myself and done what I knew even then had to be done.
I am disgustingly stupid sometimes.
I can’t pinpoint any particular bad thing that happened to me in May, but I was feeling off about something else…even after the thing that happened to me in April this past year, the thing that was hurting me more had happened in a different April, three years previous. I hate how even now, as I write about how I was eight months ago, I still get the feeling like there is an ocean in my chest…the waves come in and fill me up until I can’t bear it anymore…and then they wash out and I feel emptier than ever.
I really should be past this by now, shouldn’t I? Ah well…
At any rate, I’d rather be hurt by what happened all that time ago than by what I allowed to happen this year.
Got another scar, and caught in a downpour. Good way to start out a month.
This was also the month when I first had purchasable work in print, via that Xangans book. I was tickled to have it out there, although there are admittedly some IDIOTS here on Xanga who made it kind of a bad experience for me because they decided to be cute and redistribute the work without any of the writers’ permissions… 😡
This was also when my ex and I started pre-marital counseling…which feels really strange to me, when I think about it. I mean…I was engaged? I was planning on marrying someone? Kind of gives me the creeps now…not that I have much against him…just…it seems so OBVIOUSLY wrong to me now that it kind of makes my skin crawl to think that we were still gonna go ahead with it back then : /
My ex and I did rescue a stray pitbull and take her back to her house though, so at least there was that…
Was also a strange month because I had a huge amount of crazy posts…apparently that was when I was reading Faulkner and having bad headaches and bizarre bubbling sensations behind my eye? It was a bad time for me…sometimes I care WAY too much about things I have no control over.
I realized one of my childhood dreams this past July…just sitting out in the yard on a sunny day with my dog. It was a good way to start the month, I think. I had a good birthday, too…mostly.
But, unfortunately, July was more a month for not-so-good things. For instance, I think it was also when I started seeing or hearing things that weren’t there. It’s not gotten bad enough for me to be seriously worried about it, but I guess I had better remember that this was about when it started…just in case, yeah?
July was also fun and not fun for me because I went on vacation with C. It was good to be back in a place that I had been missing, but going there with him while all the problems that had come up in April were stalking about made it a bad time. It infuriates me to think of all I did to try and smooth things over and make it an enjoyable vacation, only to wind up fighting the last day we were there and I went and sat down at a public access point to the lake and cried and wondered (not without a tiny bit of amusement) how it would work out if we broke up and then we had to drive eight hours to get back home. o.O
Aaaand it was also bad at the time (although I see it as good now) because my Wolf side had started prodding me about something that we have spent a massive amount of time wondering about and searching for, even if we didn’t believe it existed in a form that we would be able to identify…but I thought maybe we had come across something that had potential. The only problem was that I couldn’t see any way to possibly find out at the time. Very, very frustrating.
I started my story about Ethelred the black unicorn, and Wulfhere the shape-shifter. Too bad I didn’t get very far in it before I suffered several major blows to my outlook and was prevented from concentrating on it more…and then my computer fried and I am still awaiting its return so I can carry on with the story…but someday you will read about Ethelred, I am sure. Overall, it was a good month for writing, I guess, since I had a two poems accepted by two different magazines…
On the other hand, I missed out on getting a job as a reporter. I think I hadn’t yet figured out how to interview well, but I got it down eventually, I guess.
I had a lot of trippy dreams, too…but that’s about all I can think of that really happened in August. That and my trying to supress Wolf’s desire to hunt out things that don’t belong to him.
Wow. Where to start?
First off, this was when I found Deady and he was a disturbingly sick and half-blind little thing. He’s gotten so much better since…and quite a bit bigger, too!
I think most of what I remember about September was about taking care of Deady and wondering what to do with him since our family is decidedly NOT rich…but nobody that I asked wanted him, so we wound up keeping him after all.
I worked harder at finding a job, and almost had one for a while…but then I realized that it was a TERRIBLE fit for me, as I am not really a fantastic salesperson and I would have spent many, many hours a week cold-calling businesses and asking for money. Bad, bad idea. I am relieved that I backed out of it…
Started to work a lot more on my driving, which was good for a while before we lost even MORE of our money and then my temps expired…but it was good at the time.
Umm…and my ex showed up at my house one afternoon and told me he wanted to “take a break” from our relationship because of x, y, and z that we had discussed (i.e. fought about) back in April and in July. Looking back on it now, I guess I don’t find it so surprising…but I was still kind of shocked at the time because he just kind of showed up, told me, and left. o.O
And…kind of funny…and I don’t even remember if I told him…but Jester started texting me about whether I could help him pack or not, and interrupted as C was trying to break up with me. It kind of amuses me now, but it didn’t at the time since C was really pissed off about it. Ah well.
It was a bad month for me, physically. I kept getting headaches and had some hallucinatory moments. I was also having a lot of trouble eating. Like, I would go for nearly an entire day without eating, and I would know I should eat something, but I just couldn’t convince myself that I was really hungry.
I also sent some text messages from horseback, and my nephew thought I was in a band…heh. ^_^ Aaand…somewhere out in the wide world, there is also a photo of me pretending to hang myself. That’s how well October went! j/k…it turned out much better than that, dispite the bad things that continued to be happening.
On the downside, C and I did break up for reals…which was kind of a relief, since I had been worrying since April that it would happen anyway, and…I just kind of knew that even if I gave him time to “take a break” and figure his life out, that he would probably break up with me anyway. You know how you just know things like that sometimes. It wasn’t a good feeling though, in spite of how relieved I was to make things officially finished between us. : /
And my family’s financial situation took another dive that month, which, combined with the situation about C was probably what caused my headaches and inability to eat for a few weeks.
This was also when the me that is Wolf decided that he knew something, and by golly, if the rest of me insisted on being either dead and/or helplessly dissolving into pudding, he would take matters into his bone-crushing jaws and see to it that we didn’t have to do without what he’d found for us. I used to feel (and still sometimes do) that my Wolf has some vaguely pagan tendencies…and this was one of those times. He saw the World Tree and swore by it that he would get what he wanted…and he did exactly that. This was when I really let my Wolf take over, since the rest of me couldn’t cope with things.
Mmm. The month started out badly too. It’s 12/26 now as I write this bit about November, but…I haven’t forgotten about November and the way something snuck up on me in a book and a song, and started sticking knives in me. I’ve been wanting some knives of my own to stick it back with…but that hasn’t happened. I would settle for just talking to K about it, too…but that hasn’t happened either yet. I wrote to her about it again last night though, so hopefully she will find time to talk to me about it soon.
I worry some about this situation…like, I say Wolf says terrible things, and so I do…but most of the terrible things I have to say, I can stop from spilling out of my mouth. I just worry about this one thing, because I have to pretend very hard that I don’t think about it, and I worry about what I will say if Wolf ever, ever has an excuse to bring it up.
It would be bad. I mean, it almost came up with someone…and it wasn’t even the person I would have worried about Wolf freaking out on…but seriously…I am worried. It’s not hurting me like it was, but there are things that I know would bring it out in a flash, and I don’t trust me to stop myself from metaphorically tearing the throat out of whomever brings it up and isn’t hurt by it like I was. It’s like some of the things Dog used to do because he cared so much, except when Wolf cares, he shows it by destroying things.
And then on top of my quiet obsession with this badness, I spent the month of November swinging between boiling anger, hopeless weeping, and super-smile happies. It was a very disturbing month for me, emotionally…I mean, I know what I’m like, and I know that I’ve always been fairly moderate in most of my emotions, although sadness and anger get the better of me sometimes…so to have sudden increases in my emotional levels for not only sadness and anger, but happiness as well…I really was worried about whether something not so good was happening to me as a result of stress. I think I’m better now…but who knows for sure?
On the other hand, I started my first ever job at HT, and I’m glad I did. I enjoy working there, so that was good news…
I also started officially dating Jester. It’s shocking to write that and realize that we’ve been dating for such a short time…it feels so normal. Like we’ve been dating for longer than that, or…I don’t know…we’ve mentioned it to each other a few times, how it just feels like we’ve known each other longer than we actually have or something weird. I don’t know. Jester says very often that I’m one of the very best things that’s ever happened to him. I hope this is so, because I would say the same about him. It was certainly true in November…I would have been LOADS worse off without him to have kept me company and remind me that, even in a Goth’s life, not all is doom and gloom.
I also had lots of strange, stress and/or medication induced dreams that month…not sure if that’s good or bad. Wolf also had some of those funny feelings I get sometimes…I am still waiting to see if they come to naught. They may, but we’ll see what happens. Check with him about it in spring.
Let’s see…I started my second job, at the movie theatre. Still not altogether sure if I like that job a whole lot, but we’ll see what happens.
Also made people secretly angry with me and found out about it much, much later…rawrrrrgh…but whatev. I don’t know quite what to do about Wolf and these things he does or decides. *sigh*
Had interesting times at works, fighting it out with my conflicting schedules, and also with a cold that I am still struggling to ward off. Doesn’t help that half of everyone at both my jobs has also been sick…
Wrote a lot of paper journals at the beginning of the month, and am still not sure what to make of some of them…and had some more of those extreme days where I would go from being either extremely happy or extremely sad to the opposite. The sad to happy days were better…but the happy to sad days are, unfortunately, the ones I remember better. : /
December was also filled with Christmas and iced cream and bruises from work and ice and people who give me bruises. And also with the putting together of this post when I would have a spare bit of time here and there.
And that was my 2010. Lots of crazy, and enough badness to last me through the next year, too.
Hopefully 2011 will find me saner, less bloodthirsty, and more able to conquer the badness that does manage to find me out.
And hopefully the year will bring new friends, new funns, and plenty of Xanga posts to boot 😉