Mmm. So, I had the beginning of a post, but I lost a little of it when I was at work. It’ll be less good than it would have been.
I’ve listened to one of those songs a dozen+ times again. Thought about the phases I go through, musically. The major ones…thought about the so-sad ones I would listen to with my head down on the table in the study areas at my university, and know I needed to be reading but I could not and I could not write because I’d written so much that I’d damaged my wrist, and I thought about the so-flamboyant ones that picked me up and brushed me off and assured me that being dead was fabulous; I was just doing it wrong.
And I thought about the ones I’ve been listening to so much since this year began, and what they showed me. And I felt that little flicker of rage again. It’s so small compared to what it was when I first heard what was being said to me, but it’s still there. I can feel it in my chest, flickering up and dying down again, but never quite going out…
But I can ignore that feeling. Because I already know about them, I can go for stretches and pretend I don’t see the pretty, shattered pieces of creatures I know and have known…but I do. I still see them when I look, and it’s a sight that makes me angry like nothing else.
I thought about those stanzas I wrote, and especially about the last line, and I wondered who I am so angry with.
It wouldn’t matter if I weren’t still angry, but I am. When I remember to look at the things that I will go mad if I don’t pretend not to see, then I remember how angry I still am.
I think that might be part of what my problem has been lately…that although I am letting it take a backseat to other things, I am still nearly sick with rage. But how do I confront myself over this? I mean, yeah, sure…I acknowledge in this post and others like it that I have this problem…but how do I stop myself from continuing? This is where I get stuck, because as much as I know that I can’t continue in this way, I feel an immense resistance in myself. I don’t want to let go of my feeling angry at these things. It would seem wrong to let it go. Like I was becoming cold like so many people are—like I was shrugging it all off because it’s not my problem and it is because I want it.
I think…and I admit that my grasp on what’s happening to me is tenuous and probably unreliable…but, I think that I’ve allowed myself to believe that if I properly apply my anger, I can turn situations to where I want them to go.
I know it’s wrong, and this knowledge is why I detest myself sometimes for getting angry so easily, but I do it anyway. And I feel like I’ve gotten angry with other people a lot less lately…but I think that’s because my angry feelings are primarily directed at some people that I absolutely have to conceal it from because they won’t understand why I’m angry, and an individual that absolutely doesn’t deserve my anger, if only because the things on whose behalf I am angry were, in a sense, given to me for the very reasons I’m getting angry. (Yeah. Figure that one out.) I’m not doing the right thing. And I know it.
Oh, music…why must you do this to me, and amplify thoughts I already have so that I can’t escape…
You know, I realise a lot of people use music as an escape, but I can’t do it. I think I’ve slowly lost that ability.