It started with this throbbing in my forehead, and a screaming pain in my jaw last night. I had to sleep on my left side, which I almost never do, so that my jaw wouldn’t be getting pushed from the right when my head rests on the pillow, since apparently that makes it hurt even more…
—See how badly I need my wisdom teeth removed? Ugh.
And when I woke up, I felt fine. Tired, but not bad. And then after I had lunch, this needly, sharp pain started up…I meant to take something for it before I left, but I forgot. It went away though. Probably because I wasn’t eating…moving my mouth to talk doesn’t seem to hurt like it does when I chew…but then my head started throbbing, and didn’t stop for the last two hours of my shift.
Might’ve been because of the headset, but I doubt it. My head still kind of hurts.
I feel sick now, too. Not sick-sick, but worried. The kind of worry that I know will make it hard to sleep and lead me to have a bad day when I have to be up early tomorrow, and spend hours running up and down theatre stairs…
If I could ever just say the right things, it would be phenomenal. I would be the happiest person on earth if I could just say the right things to people I care about. It’s so easy to say the right things to strangers or people I don’t care for…it’s almost criminal, how easy it is…but it’s hard to say the right things to people I know, and nearly impossible to say the right things to people I love.
Maybe it’s because I love so few people.
I don’t have as much practice with them.
So now, instead of just feeling curious or apprehensive, and contemplating the world of competitive bovine racing, which was so recently spread before me and filled my imagination with green, undulating tracks and—
—um…my glass just moved across the desk on its own.
Let’s pretend that didn’t happen, mkay?
Umm…where was I? Oh, yes…oxen with racing stripes and heifers with flame decals.
But I’m only talking about that because I feel bad.
I wish I didn’t say things I say. I know I shouldn’t.
But I can’t seem to stop myself.
What I should’ve done was not said it until I had a chance to more fully explain myself.
I want to feel positive about things, but its hard when people always let me down.
And so I let people down a lot, too. But I don’t want to.
My mouth is all gummed up with sugar.
I need water.