It’s a pity that K has been so busy. If she weren’t, she could potentially have headed me off before I came to this completely illogical state of mind.
I’d even had the gall to think I was getting better for a while. Not so.
You see, before, when I had whiskers and occasionally looked out at the world through slitted, yellow-green eyes, I was cautious enough to know that I didn’t know what might happen or what was happening. In short, I was very mistrustful.
But I did away with that catlike portion of myself. I’m still very disbelieving about things until they come to pass, but…not everything. There are things that I keep discovering that my Wolf wants to behave as though they were already concluded. It’s very muddled though…because on one hand, it’s as though there was no decision on these things—no choice made on my part. But on the other hand, the as-yet-unreached conclusions are always in alignment with what we would have wanted or hoped anyway. It’s like…this Wolf that I sometimes am has a twisted sense that his will will prevail, but not because he chose for it to happen. It would happen because it could not do otherwise.
*holds head in hands*
This is all so not right.
Do you ever look at yourself and see things happening to you, or see things that you’re completely aware of doing, but feel so helpless to stop yourself?
Not that this involves actual action…verbs and such. It’s more of the mental processes that are at work.
Like, for the past year or so, I’ve been seeing myself do this…and that’s why I write about it…because it’s in the writing that I understand what I’m doing. I look at the words I’m choosing, and I see ideas or phrases that I know when I write them where I got them from…and it’s not right. I haven’t consciously been thinking of them, but more and more I discover that I’ve somehow internalized these ideas. The problem isn’t my thinking about them, it’s that without even trying, I seem to believe them on some uncontrollable level.
What I’m most concerned about is that while in those deep places, I seem to believe this stuff, and I seem subconsciously hell bent on achieving them…but in my head, on the surface places where I can think more clearly…I know that if I tried to behave as though what my more instinctive, superstitious, subconscious sides want me to, I would find them all turning out to be very wrong.
I wish people believed me when I said I was a monster. It’s true. It’s just that lately…it’s less of the kind that wants your brains or blood or meat, and more of the kind that will happily, quietly take over and not let anyone know until it’s too late.