Lately, there are flames licking the backs of his retinas and giving off that demonic look, and when he opens his mouth, I hear the roar of the inferno in his chest…
I’m unbelievably frustrated. Once again, Wolf isn’t just part of me…he’s all of me. There’s nothing that contradicts him—except for a single idea that came from him to begin with. I don’t know what to do with that. It came to me months ago, except that at the time, it was an egg of an idea, and now it’s circled back on black wings and threatens to put my eyes out with a cruel looking beak.
So now I just keep ducking down and avoiding it. I mean…I could take it on. I could do what I’m supposed to do…but I don’t because I am a stupid creature who would rather be slowly burnt to death and all the while have to worry that my eyes will be put out.
It sounds pretty bad. And so it is.
I guess it’s just that the alternative alarms me just as much because I don’t know what would happen.
Perhaps I could stop being burnt. I could look my Wolf in the eye and not see darkly a depiction of the lake of fire, and maybe the black wings would turn white…but I don’t believe it. I’d like to believe that would happen, but I don’t.
I believe much more that it would come down to a fight, and I would either destroy or be further destroyed. I’d come out injured no matter what.
I wish I could make myself believe that things wouldn’t be so bad. I don’t know why I don’t believe it. It’s the simplest thing in the world when I think about it and when I say it to myself…but I don’t believe it and I don’t know how that happened.
I don’t understand why I don’t trust anyone. I used to.
Now it’s gone.
(I think I was worse last year though…so at least there’s that)