The more I look at how things have happened since I turned 20, the more shocked I am to realise that the real reason I was always so unhappy was because of her…it blows me away every time I see it.


Like, I used to think I was unhappy because it’s just the kind of person I am…but then I got suspicious, and I started to wonder if it was because of her…and so it was.


I felt a little lighter when I could finally admit it to myself, and for a while now I’ve been able to stop being consumed by it—even the looking back, which absorbed me for a  while—and it feels wonderful to not be hurt about it anymore. I can go weeks and not think of it. But I am thinking about it again today because a girl I worked with told me she hoped I cheered up soon, and that she likes to see me happy and thinks of me as one of the happiest people that works at our theatre.


This blew my mind. For a few reasons.


First, to have her say this to me was like having Melody say it to me…she reminds me of what Melody was like when I was so unhappy. I wish I could banish the association from my mind, but it seems to have settled there, and unfortunately that means I always feel a bizarre compulsion to do whatever she asks of me…but that’s not what I’m trying to talk about today.


I’m just shocked that the almost-twin of a person who unintentionally caused me so much unhappiness is the person who is telling me that she thinks I always seem genuinely happy and hopes I get better soon.



I felt bad. I didn’t mean for it to be that obvious in the first place…but Mike kept trying to get me to tell him what was wrong, and I talked to Alex a bit about it before I had a string of guests, and he was nice and just hung around while I did my transactions for a while before he actually had to go do some supervisorly things…


The guests were so polite to me though…even the ones that weren’t super-friendly said things like thank-you and wished me a good night. I watched my coworkers interacting with them and kept wondering if I was overdoing it to compensate for my being upset. I think the newer people who haven’t worked with me upstairs were getting annoyed with me. Whatever.



But I messed up eventually. I asked this family how they were all doing and what they were seeing and all that…and they asked me how I was and I decided to be honest and tell them I was horrible, actually. I shouldn’t’ve done that. It was unprofessional (as professional as you get in a movie theatre, anyway), and even worse…they asked me what was wrong, and I answered them. It was a vague answer, albeit…but I shouldn’t’ve done it.


I was good. I kept up my same tone and my same face, but they seemed really concerned about me…and then, somehow, I wound up with this gentleman and his wife and daughter saying a little prayer with me at my register.


They were some of the best guests I’ve ever had.



Unfortunately, I was going to cry on the next person who dared to come through my line, so I had to go back in the kitchen for a few minutes and leave poor Mike alone with a line forming. Felt bad about that.



I think it’s weird that people are so nice to me—where are all the rude, awful guests my coworkers always run into? I don’t get it. I’ve only had one girl swear at me, and one little girl who was rude to me the other day was told off right away by her older brother and apologized to me.


I don’t know…



I think there’s one guest that I almost wish would stop visiting us though. I don’t remember ever seeing him before maybe two weeks ago, but I’ve seen him two times since then.

The first time, he was getting tickets for he and his friend, but he didn’t have his ID, so I couldn’t sell him an R rated ticket even though his friend had an ID…and this guy’s friend up and slapped him. Like—a real slap! I was shocked, and the guy who was hit…like…I don’t think I can fully understand guy friendships, just like guys don’t really get girl friendships…but no guy should ever look like he’s going to cry because his friend slapped him. That’s not right, that…I feel like I should’ve done something about it and I didn’t…which I feel crappy about because the second time I saw the guy who got slapped, he was seeing the Bad Teacher movie with his mom (I guess he still hadn’t found his ID or something), and I was tearing tickets. I might’ve not recognised him, but they were talking when they came up to me, and when he went to give me his ticket he saw it was me and hesitated…I think I’ve gotten pretty good at determining when people recognise me at the theatre, but this was awkward because he sort of put his hand to his face where his friend had hit him the last time I saw him, and his whole demeanor changed…instead of talking normally to his mom like he’d been doing, he just kept mumbling and looking at the ground like he was embarrassed to be seeing me again…


Saw him again last night with his girlfriend (I assumed)…felt bad because again he stopped talking normally as soon as they got to my ticket window and just kept mumbling and not looking at me. I don’t understand why they came to my window at all if he’s still so embarrassed that his friend hit him in front of me…there were other windows open…idk…I feel like this kid really needs a hug or something, but what am I to do? I only work there.  : /



I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore.