It was so bright tonight, the moon. The kind of moon I always think I could see by.
I knew it was coming. I saw it on my calendar and tried to pretend I did not, and tried to pretend that I did not feel it tugging at me, but then I saw it by accident when we left the parking lot, and I could not pretend anymore.
He’s been very kind to me about it, my Wolf has been. It’s the one thing I rage against that he never takes part in. It takes him about as far away from his usual function as it is possible to be, and instead of feeling the fire boiling in our ribs, I sense without feeling, the ghost of what it is like to be held.
I don’t believe myself though. I’d like to be comforted about it, but I don’t believe it. I can’t say what I keep telling myself it should be okay to say…and so I keep trying to trick myself that it doesn’t matter anymore. But it does. It does. It was the only thing I had a tear for, and I wasn’t even aware of it until it was there.
And now I am getting distracted from things that require my immediate attention because I can’t leave it alone. I wish I could. I do, in reality, but I visit it over and over and again in my mind, and I wish I could stop. But I don’t wish that at all.
Like what Wolf always threatens to do if an opportunity ever presents itself. I can forbid it and rail at myself all I want, but I know it is a lie.
I wish I did not know things.