I thought this was going to be a good few days and it’s not.
The nerve is pinched in my lower back again and it hurts to move. Or to not move, so I’m pretty much in pain no matter what. Can’t get up easily once I sit down. Probably won’t be able to lie down comfortably.
I’m tired, but I’m probably not going to be able to sleep.
I used to get these feelings a lot when I was in high school and college, like I didn’t really matter to anyone and if I weren’t there, they would get over it. Move on. It would be like I’d never been there, and before you knew it, people would have to think for a few minutes before they’d even remember who I was.
I’m shocked to find that I still feel that way. Like anyone would probably be able to forget about me. Like it wouldn’t even take them long to do it. Even the people I might’ve thought I really mattered to.
Not that I even know what that means…really mattering. Who do I really matter to? (I know the people that really matter to me. I do.) I don’t feel especially like anyone I know really needs me…like I disappoint or inconvenience or annoy most of them most of the time.
I have nothing real to offer anyone. Nothing I do matters. Nothing I do is useful or helpful or makes anyone else’s lives better…
I don’t even feel like I’m saying this out of a depressed state of mind like I would have when I was younger. No. I’m saying it and I feel like it’s just the truth. Not so much of the “oh, poor insignificant me” feeling. Just…truth.
I am pointless.
Today I was sweeping up popcorn with two of our newer crew members, and one of the girls stopped and looked at me for a moment and said, “you know, you’re so pretty.” I wanted to cry because it’s not true. I don’t remember what I said. Something stupid. And it’s not that I think I’m ugly…it’s just that I’m not anything.
I’m not anything.