I was thinking about intense emotions today.
I always feel like mine are fabricated. Try and talk myself out of them. There’s no reason I should ever feel so angry or so sad. No reason I should feel that happy. Not about anything. Not ever.
Maybe I always feel like they’re fabricated because there is so much out there that results in artificial emotions. Like reading. Or music. Those emotions aren’t real. Or…not about real things.
I almost told myself that the majority of my really intense emotions were probably artificial (I like sad and angry music too damn much), but stopped myself.
They were about something.
It was a lie.
I wished I’d never told it, and I said that for a while. Then I changed my mind and wished I had been more creative…more able to keep up with what I’d done. But wishing that is a lie, too; of course I don’t wish I had done that.
Then I thought about the other things that I guess I could maybe consider genuine sources or triggers for how I feel. I think there are very few candidates at the moment. And then there’s stress. I think stress skews things. If I didn’t feel so stressed, I might not be as sad or as angry at any given time.
It’s too bad, I guess, that I am so full of negative.
I thought I was starting to feel happy again, and now I don’t.
Not sure what to do about it though, since it feels like something that isn’t coming from me this time. Instead of being something black and empty inside me, it feels like something slow and heavy…a massive grey creature of concrete-like sludge that’s got me and won’t let go…
Timmy seems like he’s doing better. He can get up again and walk around. He ate some food and drank more water and used his litter box. Dad took him outside and he walked around and smelled things…and the wind knocked him over. He was purring when I patted him…
I don’t think he’s going to make a full recovery and be around for years to come, but it’s good to see him not just lying on his side and barely moving at all.
I don’t know what to do anymore.