I think I’m making myself ill.

First I felt ill last night, and because my subconscious has good ideas sometimes, I unintentionally stopped drinking things, which stopped the sick feeling, but now I’m dehydrated enough that it’s actually causing me pain and reminds me of when I was super sick when I was in college and they wanted me to stay overnight at the urgent care facility but…you know…I had papers to write and a plane to catch.

That was awful.
Felt like I was gonna die.
I mean…I knew I wouldn’t…but it was still awful.

So now I keep thinking about that and dreading the possibility that I’m making myself that sick again, and I know I should drink things, but really…the idea of drinking anything—water, juice, soda, tea, broth, you name it—feels repulsive.

I want to drink something, but when I pick my cup up, I feel my throat closing up and put it down again.

As much as I sometimes complain about work, I would rather be there and have people screaming at me about dumb things than be at home for even a day or two and feel like knives are being driven into my back and sides, and on so much medication that I can’t move or tell whether I am awake or not.

It doesn’t feel like knives yet…