He is so quiet sometimes that I almost forget he is there. It’s almost like being the old me. Almost. And then he starts to scream and rage, and I feel sorry that I admitted even thinking about buying the wolfskin. I don’t need it.
That was yesterday though. I feel quiet right now, but only because something new happened. It’s not a peaceful quiet…almost like suspicion. I feel bad that I look at it that way, but I can’t help myself.
I saw the Hunger Games yesterday. It was so-so…I don’t feel an overwhelming urge to read the books any time soon, and the only reason to bring it up at all is because, as I was leaving, a thought popped into my head. Totally unrelated to anything I’d done all day, unrelated to the movie that had just spent two and a half hours of my life…but there it was.
Does it ever happen to you, where you don’t know why, but you suddenly feel like you have to do something? It happens to me periodically, and it’s not the “I have to do this because I’ve been thinking about it obsessively and now I just want it done” sort of thing. It’s the sudden irrational conviction that if I do not do this thing, then this other thing will never happen. Or maybe it’s not a question of doing, but of knowing, and suddenly you feel this solid certainty about something that hadn’t even crossed your mind recently.
I had it yesterday, and I didn’t like it at all…that sense of inescapable action…like I was being told to…knew that it was what might have to happen. Everything about my wolfish side is against being told what to do…not that he deliberately disobeys, but that he wants to act because he wants to, not because he has to.
That whole side of me was extremely angry at the whole feeling, and let me tell you…it’s not pleasant to make your way through a crowded mall while there is an outraged wolf-creature screaming in your head.
He says he won’t do it, and I believe him because he wouldn’t take it. He wouldn’t take it when he could, and I do not believe he will even hunt it out. No; instead, I will with all my patience wait for it to come to me.
It did today. The smallest of timid bunny hops in my direction…I believe it will come to me.