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The other day, I saw a man in a suit just standing at the edge of a field with his head tilted down. I think the only reason I remember seeing him is because he wasn’t looking at a cell phone or something…just standing there with his head down. It was an odd place for a man in a suit.

These last two days have been fun.
I went to lie down last night, but I was still awake at 4am. Alarm went off at 730 so I could get up and be back to work at 10…and then I spent maybe two hours cleaning the mustard and ketchup dispensers until they gleamed and I could see my reflection in the stainless steel that, I swear, had not been cleaned since BEFORE I started working there. My germophobia could no longer cope. Which is why I spent all that time cleaning them. And also why I so encouraged Abbie when she joked that we should clean the box office…and why I’ve started cleaning the tensabarriers when I open…and why Matt and I spent two hours cleaning that vast glass window for the box office…grr.

Someone was talking to me about having my own desk, and that conversation was somehow melded with the one where we talked about dreams and my aligning myself too closely with the forces of evil. I said I would make a collage of villains and post that up by said desk, so I would not forget what motivates me.
I won’t do that. But that same day I dug out of a bag one of those rubber wristbands. I bought it when I was with her at Disney. We both got one, except hers was some bright colour. Mine was black, and, assuming all the bands said the same thing, I didn’t think to look at what it said until after I bought it. They did not.

It says REVENGE. I suppose it’s as good a motivator as any.
…is this how villains start out?

I sent our ticket-taker on a break and tore tickets for a while, not knowing I had a streak of mustard down my arm. I saw it later and thought to myself (which is who I usually think to) that if I were a guest, I would never go back to that theatre where the questionable, mustard smeared creature greeted me.

My dreams are unusual places (please, click the dream tag in the side box to see what I mean…), and since I’ve been writing down more of them, I feel like more things have been happening to me in my dreams that have never happened before…like smelling things or hearing things or feeling exertion…
I had a dream the other night (not the one about blue hair or being hulk-smashed), which I feel unnerved by. In my dreams, I am either my usual self, my wolfish self, or a vague masculine character. It’s more often been one of those first two, lately, or even some where I am those two, except separate…but in this dream, I was myself and my wolf at once, and someone in my dream knew. This person knew about this other bit of me, and even acknowledged it when we were talking…and…I don’t know…it was unnerving. On rare occasions, people who haven’t read my blog will tell me that they see another side of me, and I know that it’s my wolf side they see…but I’ve only encountered two people who talk to it on purpose. And only one who talks to me like this person was talking to me in the dreamworld.
I suppose my dream-self felt soothed at being addressed as a complete person, since even my angry, aggressive side allowed itself to be led around by the hand and fell asleep with it’s hand being held (this is the first I recall ever falling asleep in a dream), but I feel unnerved by it now. It’s one of those kinds of dreams that I have, and then the more I think about it, the more I can’t seem to shake the feeling that this actually happened, and that the fictional people in my dream are real and I know them somehow (like that blonde girl with the rotted face who often shows up in my dreams and is angry with me because I let her die), or that the people in these dreams whom I know in my waking life have shared the same dream. Like even though you know you will never say anything to each other, they somehow know about this dream you had. It’s that kind of feeling.
I don’t know…I just feel weird about it.

Abbie’s apparently decided to start mock-flirting with me when we work together. I wasn’t sure how to take that, but I think maybe I can use it to better my ability to make witty comebacks. And then I get sad because I’m looking for ways to use this sort of thing to my advantage, and I wonder if anyone else thinks seriously about such nonsense. 😛

What it all boils down to is…I came to a realisation earlier, and it was so awful that I almost cried.
It shouldn’t be awful. It doesn’t matter…but it does. It matters because of that band and because of that dream and because of the new work duties that will keep me from cleaning and because I am socially incapable…

It matters because now it can’t happen. And we acknowledged that.
I’m just sorry I didn’t know sooner how important it would have been to me.

Maybe this is how the man in the suit was feeling.

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