Frigging eight-legged horses…

I don’t even know how I missed them last time. I can’t even accept that storyline, knowing where those horses came from.

But that’s not what I want to say.
What I want to say is…I think I’m losing my memory of what it’s like to relate to people. I don’t know how to make friends anymore, but I can tell I’m in desperate need of some. Not because I’m so lonely or anything like that…I keep myself pretty occupied…but…it’s nice to be around a person or two sometimes. I always forget that until I do hang out with someone, and then I’m wracking my brains to remember how I befriended them to begin with so maybe I can try that again…

I’m sad that I’m thinking about this in such a way that it sounds like I’m trying to replicate a science experiment or a recipe that I used by accident.
And even when I do think back on these things…to my memory, I did not choose my friends. They chose me. They were the ones who sought me out for whatever reason. But…is that my fault? I think it could be. It’s probably my fault. I don’t seek other people out. I probably should. I probably should have been doing that all along. But I don’t.

Why not? Why do I not do this?
Mm. I don’t know. (What a weak answer. A lie, in fact.)

I suppose I always assume and always have assumed that I’m of no interest to most people, and am not really wanted. And don’t let that statement underscore my previously mentioned speculation on my being narcissistic…I’m not saying it’s all about me, me, me…no…it goes both ways. I live in constant fear that I’m forcing my presence on others. And I know what it’s like to have someone hanging about whom you really want nothing to do with…I don’t want to be that person and force someone else to endure the unpleasantness of having someone around whose company they dislike, and yet don’t want to say anything about.

And I can think of so many reasons why my company is undesirable…
Maybe I’m being judgmental, but after years and years of observing others who can converse easily, I still can’t do it, and I know it’s because I usually don’t know what they’re talking about. I don’t know those people, wasn’t there for that situation, didn’t watch that show, don’t listen to that music, don’t know anything about that subject and have never had that experience…what else can I do but be that person who sits awkwardly by because they have nothing at all to contribute? And who wants to be around such a person?


So I let it continue. I am never sought out, and I don’t ask to be invited. I don’t seek others out because I am afraid they will not want to spend time with me outside of a group, where if my company is not enjoyable, they can easily find someone else to talk with.

…it’s at this point, where I am in tears because I realise what a predicament I’ve gotten myself into, that I always feel like I need to apologise. But why? I don’t know. (Genuine truth.)

Everyone, maybe.
I feel like I should have done better and been better and been able to be a real person, like all the other people who are real people…and that it’s my fault and I should be sorry for ever making it seem like people are trying to exclude me. I’m sure they aren’t. I’m sure they don’t even know how I feel…but the majority of the time, they don’t reach out and offer to include me, either. Probably because they make the mistake of thinking I want to be outside of everything…and I’ve heard this opinion before…the thinking that I want to be apart from everyone because I dislike them or because I think I’m better than them…what stupid nonsense…I want to be included…who doesn’t? Isn’t this the basic lesson of half the stories ever told? Someone wants to be included, and goes about it the wrong way and is either excluded outright, or excluded because nobody bothered to help that individual who just couldn’t find his or her place in the group. (Aha. So that’s how villains happen. I knew that.) 

I just don’t know how to make it happen so that I am included.
You don’t understand how paralysing is the fear that I am not wanted.
Not disliked…just not wanted.

I feel like I would prefer being outrightly disliked to just feeling like people don’t care if I am there or not.

But how do I fix it? I don’t want to be pushed into situations where I am surrounded by people I don’t know and conversations that I can’t think of a word to contribute to and be told to just deal with it and talk to people about whatever. That isn’t who I am, and that approach DOES NOT WORK for me. I can’t do it.

I can talk and talk and talk here, to myself, but that’s not the same as talking to a bunch of strangers at a sports bar. It just isn’t. In the latter situation, all the words in my brain fade to a dull buzz, and everything is so loud, and I get this panicky feeling in my chest that says, “can we pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasejustleave?”, and after a while of this going on, I start to feel very ill and at that point, all possibility of me talking to even people I know is pretty much gone.

I don’t know if that is what a panic attack is like, but it feels awful, and I wish I could articulate it to the person(s) who think this is a good way to get me to be social, but when it’s happening, I can’t explain myself for concentrating so hard on not crying.

That does sound like panic. But I don’t want to presume that it’s a panic attack, per se, and not just…you know…panic. (Does that make sense?)

Maybe the best thing to do is to break out the cosmic rubber stamp and mark FAIL on me so that everyone just knows.