I should not drink tea.

I almost never do anyway, since cold tea grosses me out…but I do like hot mint tea, and hot English or Irish breakfast tea with milk and sugar. But the caffeine in the former makes me jittery, which should be impossible considering I drink sodas on a regular basis, and energy drinks don’t typically have much effect on me…

I drank a cup of tea earlier. Shouldn’t’ve.

Started reading a new book, too. It has monsters.
I like these books…feel more like me when I read them. I need to stop being sentimental and keeping all these books that can’t reach me anymore. I feel like reading them slows me down, inside.


Adding to the slew of things that make me defective…is something I never would have thought to add. Never suspected. But I see it is a problem. I park on the roof of the garage so I can imagine the wind is off the water. And I have taken to driving with my passenger windows down so I can listen to the wind and remember what it is like to be in a boat on a breezy day. And the music…I swear, I hear it in my dreams now. I was asleep last night and still I could hear it.

You don’t know how distressed I am to be unable to fix these things…to have been so close to the water and unable to go out on it…!

Maybe I should have been worse as a child, so that my parents could have fulfilled their threat of selling me to the gypsies. Of course, there is a reality show about “American Gypsies” that would probably dispel this vague idea I have in relation to this slew of stuff that’s been stewing away in my skullspace…


I did think about going on a drive. I feel this irrational need to go out at night. Just be out there…because…I don’t know. Because I should be.

I used to think I wouldn’t like to drive at night. I do. I even feel safer on the road then than I do in daylight. But I didn’t go out. My sense of direction isn’t that great, unfortunately. No need to get myself lost, I guess. -_-

Like other things there’s no need for.
Like my continual assuring myself that I am better than I was.
Lies, all of it.

Oh, I’m better…but I still can’t function properly. And it’s not like this goes unnoticed by every single soul.
But you know what? There is a general consensus that I am adorable, which I’m torn between utterly despising, and clinging desperately to so I can show that I’m not a complete waste. (such is the difference between my wolf and i)

I just had a singular idea involving pumpkins. WHT IS IT NOT FALL YET?
Well…at any rate, maybe I can redeem myself.

But that’s not what I want.
I guess…I want to want to be able to function normally. It’s not even that I want and can’t attain it. I don’t even want it. But I wish I did. That might make things easier.