This is foolishness. How does…how can I………..?

If it were anyone else, I’d say to them: “I hate to break it to you, but when you describe it to me, it sounds like that person really doesn’t wish to talk to you. You should probably give up.”

Yeah. I’d say that to someone. Something along those lines. I’d feel sorry for them. I’d want them to stop setting themselves up to be disappointed.

But it’s not someone else.
It’s me.

Based on the way things have gone for a very long time now…I’d say she really has no desire to talk to me, let alone see me in person. How do I persuade myself that this is true? Because we know I don’t believe that. We know that, deep down, no matter how bad it looks, I want to find an excuse for why it’s that way. I want it to not be true. And…you know…maybe it’s not. Maybe it is just bad circumstances.

Either way, all I can do is speculate. Can’t be sure unless I talk to her…
Back to square one.

I don’t feel the particular brand of agitation that usually goes with this quandary. Give it a few days.
If I have not achieved some sort of progress by Wednesday, I’m sure I will feel dreadful.

It’s the one thing I can say I really appreciate about work…it keeps me from thinking about this just long enough to avoid the agonized, physically ill state that I used to visit because I couldn’t stop turning these awful possibilities over in my mind, and wondering if I could ever be certain…or if I really wanted to be.

Sometimes I think I’d do almost anything to find the bit of me responsible for this obsession, and shut it down.