I suspect I didn’t really mean it when I said that determinism was attractive to me.
Except that it is.
I feel very often that the way things are with me is often because, given the circumstances and my disposition, what else could have occured?
Lots of things, you could argue. I could have done and could do lots of things. And yet, I don’t. I must choose only one thing, even if that thing is to do nothing. Which, because of the creature I am, is not really a choice, but a postponement so I may observe. Or, often, because I am trying to dissuade myself from a choice I know I already have made.
I am incapable, in most instances, of dissuading myself.
And that is why I wonder about it sometimes–whether or not any other option is even available to me, given how predisposed I might be already to one specific option.
I feel like I think about this stuff more when I have gotten obsessive. And I am always obsessive, but…I hold them at bay for longer now. Or maybe I only imagine that I do. Because in holding it at bay, I am still thinking about it, aren’t I? Just…I don’t know. I don’t know how I managed to hold it off. But I have it now and I am genuinely ill at ease with myself over it. Not surprised, at least, like I usually am…since I have been aware of it for so long.
I suppose that anything which, after encountering him, speaks to Wolf on purpose is in danger of this…I just thought I could stop it and it seems I can’t. And that gives me the hated options of waiting for it to die, killing it, or letting it go…and…given the monster I align myself with…I would like to let it go. I would like to retain my sense of being a decent human being…but…this Wolf I am is afraid. You can’t do that and be safe, and what makes you unsafe must die.
This is why you shouldn’t talk to wolves.