Never will I be able to understand.
The awfulness of knowing is something I can’t get used to. As exciting as it is–because when you are a creature whose eyes glow and who feels warm even in the bitter winds, it is exciting to know things and feel warm–it makes me feel so angry because I can’t believe it.
I wasn’t even thinking about it…I was thinking about how our eyes do not glow. Maybe because I see by the same light he does…never have to shine any on him to see the yellow-grey irises, and bits of ice caught in his coat, which is now the mahogany of a pine marten and like nothing any wolf has ever worn. But…when we heard the words, we looked at ourself and didn’t even need to say anything. We don’t need to now. He just turns away with yellow eyes sparkling, and I know I am laughing at myself for trying so hard to not believe what we knew. It’s a harsh, quiet laugh though. There’s nothing funny about it. There’s just what is–exciting and warm, but still…there’s the harshness that I wouldn’t feel if I weren’t a creature that feels defensive.
I hate it when people make allusions to themselves as wild animals…the idea that this shows them as free or individualistic is outright stupid to me. I never mean it that way when I talk about myself. Never.
It’s because I got all messed up and angry…and now I have a constant low-key watchfulness in the back of my mind. The idea that I have to keep my eyes open for anything that might get me…
Somehow, I guess that makes me know things. My Wolf is two steps ahead of me, and I don’t like to see him there because I don’t know if I trust myself, either.
I talked to Melody today, too. For over four hours.
I was satisfied that I told her something another friend of hers had already said about that awful individual who booted her out of his house…I am pleased to know that this isn’t just something I made up and said to myself to make me feel better about it all. Although I am upset with myself. I think maybe I wouldn’t have noticed it if I wasn’t so caught up in my own awful point-of-view…trying to stop myself all this time. It’s stupid. But I saw it. I even asked if I could make a conjecture about what had happened, because it felt stupid to say it…but her other friends have also seen it, and as we talked about it she agreed that it made sense…
People who are in love with the idea of themselves as heroes are wildly out of touch with reality when they rid themselves of their families and friends to chase that fantasy. That is more monstrous than even my worst inclinations.
I felt ashamed of myself for thinking that way. Being judgmental. I’ve tried and tried so hard to grow up and grow out of my own self-characterization and I can’t. But I did feel good when she started to pass it off as like all the things people are saying who never liked him to begin with, and I told her in the voice I always use when we talk, that it wasn’t what I meant…I never wanted anything bad to happen. I just wanted her to be happy. I would endure him being awful for as long as I had to if it made her happy.
She said he was being stupid and mopey one day before she left, and said everyone she knew would probably hate him now…and she told him he was being dumb, and to her knowledge, nobody has said anything at all to him about it…I told her I should’ve sent him rude messages about how much I hated him so that he could feel vindicated in his feeling of being so disliked. May have incorporated the idiocy of his taking me to the firing range. She laughed a lot at that. (I feel bad because a little dark part of me really has always hated him. But she knows that too, it turns out.)
I’m glad she believes, as I do, that people typically change by slow degrees rather than sweeping and violent suddenness like he tried to tell her was the case. Sure, that can happen…but usually not. We talked a little bit about ourselves being that way. She is more shrewd than she was when she played a sweet hobbit-girl, and I am more harsh than I ever dreamed I could be as a ridiculous elf…but I feel after talking today that we are still the same people who found each other all that time ago. (Although I finally told her that I think the only reason we ever started talking was because I thought I knew her from someplace else…which I admitted sounded stupid even as I said it. She laughed and said I’m crazy. Maybe I am.)
It was good to hear my name again when it wasn’t necessary.
I feel like I have my friend back.
(oh…btw…I have been on Xanga for 8 years now. *party hats and streamers*)