Imagine taking a personality test.
And your result plots right near the center of the chart. Except…a hair lower…and a hair to the left, in a section marked “undifferentiated”.
Your personality is undifferentiated.
I suppose that’s where the circular feeling of being myself and the wolf comes in. Not differentiated.
For a little while, I thought again about tears, and how we despise them. I don’t as fiercely as I did, but that’s because I don’t much think about it anymore. But when I do, I can feel my face reset in a snarl…I would fight the sad things. I’d kill them, if I could, but it doesn’t work that way. I don’t think it works anything like that. But…I always feel like I would fight them. Like being angry could save me. Anyone.
I felt sad for her earlier, when we talked. I don’t want her to be upset…but it’s hard for me to look at it that way when I feel and always felt like it would be a good thing for her to be without him. And I feel sad that I felt like that. And I hate it.
And I felt sad for him when I sat there so long with my hand on the back of his neck, and wondered why nobody ever believes that they are worth anything. It isn’t true. And I hate that, too.
I used to feel it in my face. And I would cry for people.
I don’t do much of that anymore. I just feel in my chest the flicker of useless rage at all these things that I can’t fix or drive away or change in any degree that would mean something to these people whom I care so much for.
I feel so ineffectual…
I’ll take an undifferentiated personality any day, if I could just make something happen.