He’s broken, I swear.

Anyway. I guess I am done with winning. We did so good at it. This is the longest I have ever been winning. Ever. But we’re broken. I can’t be mad. I lost. It happens. *shrug* But it didn’t need to happen.

if i just didn’t get so angry

The other me would take care of it. But I’m broken. I was supposed to just hush. I did. I did so good at it. He was taking care of everything until we got angry. And just started saying words. I knew they were all wrong. It could be said better. Or unsaid. But I couldn’t stop saying words, and all I remember is always the same. The bloody-red mist or the white-hot blindness that covers over what I was doing, but doesn’t stop me saying the words.

I could have saved it if I wasn’t broken. 😦

Now I just can’t think too closely about anything. I am listening to music, obsessive-compulsively arranging the songs depending on whether I was in high school, college, or out of school when I first heard them. I don’t really hear them though. I hear nothing.

I think, deep down, that I destroyed something. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t mean it at all. I wanted to just be able to say nothing because at some point in my life I stopped being able to talk honestly about how I feel. I’m not a liar. That doesn’t make me a liar. It just means I’m broken and I mess it up whenever I do try to say how I feel.

i can’t breathe. its the same pain as when i was dying. i just know now and hope maybe i will not feel it.
I took my stomach medicine that I was trying to persuade myself I didn’t need. Because the sudden stress of it is hurting me.

I should have learned better how to just shut up.

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