I decided yesterday that I hate myself…so I scheduled myself to work with the bussers tonight. Things went really well though, up until some of our sold-out theatres started ending and the other managers failed to respond to my request for assistance. But even then all that happened was that we had three shows that started seating about 5 minutes late. That’s pretty good. (The perfectionist in me is just irritated to know that none of them needed to have been late at all.)

I am extremely sore right now though, from running around and around all night. I feel like for every step the bussers took, I took three because I still wound up doing admin tasks before my counterpart arrived, and had to put on my friendliest face for the new people so they would be off to a good start on their first day…

And at some point during the evening, I learned that one of our newer servers is seeking me out specifically to help them with problems…which is adorable, but that definitely added a lot of distance to what I already would have walked today. Unsure what to do with that one. Need to get them to trust the other managers more.

I may be paranoid…but I think I’m seeing a trend among our staff members who’ve come to sit in the office and cry for a minute. They seem to gravitate to me. Not in an excessive way…but…when things are going bad for them, they seem to look for me. It’s touching…but ultimately, terrifying for me because even in a work environment that I am familiar with, I feel like I lose confidence in myself when I actually know someone is looking to me to make things better. There are enough sources of stress at work without my feeling like I need to look after anyone.

Which brings me to a story I had kind of forgotten about…
I always park at the top of our parking garage, and today I saw two little birds at the wall around the lot. They seemed like they could be baby birds, but I wasn’t sure, so I parked and walked back over to where they were. They didn’t fly away or even try very hard to hop away from me…I could have picked them up. I wanted to, but I didn’t know where to put them. I couldn’t put them on the ledge around the wall, because what if they fell off? 😦
I looked at them for a few minutes, and they looked at me, and I could almost hear their little bird voices asking me if I was going to eat them, or if they were going to die, or what was happening…and I couldn’t think of what to do, so I had to leave them there and hope they didn’t get squashed.

It was horrible.
It made me think of little hurt birds, and how they just shiver and shiver, or breathe so hard and fast they look like they might pop…and you know they’re going to die, but they do it so slowly and it makes you feel sick and awful and you want it to be okay…but it isn’t.

*hugs all the little birds*

But don’t worry. I managed to avoid getting overly emotional about little birds…probably only because I told three or four other people and, in doing so, wiped all traces of happiness from each of their faces. I hadn’t really meant to…but…I won’t pretend I didn’t feel a little better.
I’m just there was not a trace of the birds when I left.

I think I’m getting obsessed with something again. I don’t mean to…and usually I know when it might happen, but not this time. I mean, I guess I can kind of see how it happened…way back in college with an awful, annoying, feminist-rooted article that somehow happened to be based on this…but I wouldn’t have guessed that it could sneak up on me and, in the span of two days, actually attempt to hijack the narrative I have been building and retelling myself every single day for seven years.

That’s pretty strong stuff. I’m not sure how it managed to bowl me over like that.

I’m a little disappointed that I will probably be unable to find that article again…I has the overpowering curiosity…
I ought to have held on to more of my notes, it seems.

I have an obnoxios thought that keeps resurfacing…that I should find a book…we’ll see how well I stave that off, eh?