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There I was, happily contemplating how easy it all was and how content we are and how nice it is to feel as a single organism instead of splinters and factions all going in different directions and snagging on different things…

And then I thought about that damned bacon. I wish I didn’t react, but it was so funny…and if I ever wished I could take back laughing at something, that is the one I would take back. I knew by the looks on their faces that they know. And I am only waiting for someone to ask me about it. And I will have to lie. Ugh.

I don’t want to, but it is that little voice…the little one that tells me again and again that I cannot do this and I should stop myself and what I should do is to pour all our energy into feeling nothing whatsoever because it is the most direct way to keep us out of all manner of troubling nonsense…but I am not persuaded. In part, it’s due to that wolfish sense that this is something I must have, both because I want it and also because it is inevitable that I should possess it…but also because…every moment I spend on a course of action that would distance me from it would ultimately serve to hasten me to my death.

I am not being dramatic. I swear it.
Only repeating a brief, personalised version of everything I have read about how loneliness affects a person on a physiological level. It will kill me to do that. Literally. Maybe not today, or even this year, but eventually the compounded stress and anxiety of being truly lonely will start to wear me down.

Having spent so much of my life feeling lonely already, I must admit that if I was not residing in a relatively young body, I would probably already be much worse off…
But I am resolved to stop all of that since I finally have been presented with the opportunity. I mean, as much as it fascinates me to artificially bring about a sense of heart-stopping despair, I cannot mistake that short-lived blackness for the real thing. The real thing is slower and creeping, and lacks all definition as to shape or colour…it is fog in a bleak landscape that you cannot envision an end of.

I think I’ll pass, thanks.
But I still wish I didn’t laugh. That would’ve solved everything. How unfortunate that I still have not learned how to better pick and choose how to express myself.

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