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I am not terribly keen on musical styles falling into the “shoegazing” or “dream pop” genres. That is why, right now, I am listening to an album by Steve Roach and contemplating deleting it. I know I won’t get any particular enjoyment out of listening to it again. But I don’t outright hate it the way I hate something like Maroon 5. For one, Steve Roach’s music is all instrumental. So far. If he had a voice like whatshisname from Maroon 5, there would be no question about keeping. I couldn’t empty my recycle bin fast enough.

And in a somewhat related vein, I am contemplating tomorrow night. I told her I would go to a concert with her. And it’s for two alternative-dreamy-shoe-staring-at-for-some-reason bands that I am not terribly familiar with.

Originally, I said I would go just because it was nice to feel like someone I was forming a tentative friendship with wanted me along. Now I sense I am going for altogether different reasons, which I feel a good deal of trepidation about. Not because I’ll be at a concert with lots of other bodies and therefore risk subjecting myself to severe social anxiety (well, at least that is not the primary source of my trepidation), but because this boy who was our third self–because when I started hanging out with her, she already had a second self, though she incorporated me readily enough into the mix–is upsetting her more and more. And he is supposed to go with us.

At first, when he left for school, we decided to go to this concert just as an excuse to do something together. Now it’s more…he’s going because he actually wants to go, she’s going because she wants to see him, and I am going in case he upsets her and she has an anxiety attack and doesn’t want to stay anymore.

I am all confused as to what exactly the relationship dynamics are between them–although I recall that there was something idyllic about the two of them together that I cannot say I have observed before in any pair of human creatures–but the only concrete thing she has mentioned to me as a reason for the drastic deterioration in their communication and affection is his drug usage, the extant of which I was blissfully unaware of until she sent me a barrage of anxiety-attack induced texts about how upset she is about the whole situation…

I would be offended and distraught too, if someone I cared about only bothered to communicate with me when they were stoned out of their mind. Especially since his drug of choice is LSD. I feel like her discomfort is justified. (And now I also think she is a good deal more deliberate than I have previously thought, since it was her idea for us to watch Requiem for A Dream. Different drugs, but I understand why she chose to have us watch it.) And now I am 100% not comfortable letting her go alone with him. Just in case.

At best, I suppose we will go and it will be an evening of moderate anxiety and music I am not especially keen on. At worst, he will be stoned, she will have a panic attack, and I will be struggling to determine just how aggressively protective I can feel toward her at this stage.