Last night I had a peculiar feeling. I think I dreamt that she was angry or upset with me in some way, and I kept waking up with that vague feeling, and thinking I had slept through my alarm when I had not and it wasn’t time to get up yet…
See, we hadn’t done anything in a few weeks. Partly because I have felt it necessary to spend more time with Jester and with my family, and also because I feel bad about some things she and I said to each other when she got on that upset-text rampage…she was upset about that boy she had almost been dating, and that one of her friends said he had been using her, and although she could not think of any way that might have been true, her friend’s assessment was making her paranoid…
And I am insensitive. Or, rather, I had hoped she would see the remark as my making a jab at my own piteousness, but I told her I was using her. In an effort to stave off the killing loneliness that is my most steadfast companion.
And. I am. But I didn’t mean it quite like that. I like her. Rather a lot. But she seemed offended. Like maybe she took it more literally than I meant. And I have felt guilty about it. Like maybe it was true, and I don’t care about her and had only been spending time with her out of a selfish desire for validation.
I have mulled that possibility over for long enough to conclude that I should be mindful of being that way (and thereby making myself more after the fashion of the monster or the villain that I sometimes fear becoming), but I have not done so in relation to her.
Even if I was seeking some sort of approval or affirmation that I am a worthwhile creature, I do not believe you can really feel validated if those individuals from whom you receive this sense of yourself do not have genuine regard for you. And I am not completely insensible to others. I swear I am not.
I understand that, frequently, they must be convinced that I care before they are willing to risk caring about me. And I accept that. And I do care about her, and I think she must know that or she wouldn’t have felt comfortable enough with me to rage via text message in the first place.
So. We’re alright. And I asked her when I did her server checkout if she was doing anything today, to which she replied that she’d be at home, being depressed.
Reeser is not having any of that.
So I told her I would ruin her plans to be depressed, and we’d go do something in the early afternoon. We ended up going to that art thing at the university, and looking at pictures from WWII…dead marines at Normandy…burning Japanese airplanes…Nazi parades and bombed Italian cathedrals. It was some sombre stuff, to be sure.
Then we went to pick up Jester and go to the park and swing and run around and walk in the trees. And she was cold, but I confess I am not chivalrous–or weatherproof–enough to give her my coat, and I walked a little while with my arm around her shoulders, but I felt weird and she was doing that trembly panic-giggle nonsense like when she asked me to carry her at work that one day. So I gave her my blanketlike scarf and that seemed to help. She wrapped it around her face and had her hands all balled up on the long trailing ends. I thought it was funny. Jester said we were adorable.
We went back to his house and I made a pizza and I…ah…almost set the kitchen on fire. I think some cheese came off and dropped down in the oven…lots of smoke. It was not one of my better food-preparing moments.
But that was alright. We made Jester watch Adventure Time, and he said the weirdness was melting his brain. Psh. He started falling asleep though, and one of our other servers kept texting her and asking her to come over to see him, so we determined I would drop her back at home and then I would go home and do the laundry I was avoiding.
She’s been keeping me up-to-date about some gossipy things at work…who is getting wasted and who is cheating on whom and who hates whom and who is taking care of these people when they are wasted or emotionally compromised…
Some of it’s kind of sweet, knowing some of these people try and watch out for each other…but I did feel really uncomfortable, knowing that the server she was going to go see had told her that another one of our servers “made” him do coke with her. We agreed that’s a frightening thought, and also that we don’t really believe that she made him try it. Still…
I worry sometimes, about being presumptuous about people. Wondering if she prefers that kind of crowd. Or if she would risk becoming a part of that sort of thing.
So I made another small, somewhat sarcastic remark about how dull I am, having no stories about being wasted or about my ruined love life or something stupid. I wanted to see how she’d react to that, and I am pleased that she seemed pretty vehement about my not doing those kinds of things. Never fear, ma’am. I have no intention of making myself “interesting” in that way.
We talked about dreams instead, because they are interesting. And she told me she had a dream about being angry last night, and she woke up tired and feeling mad and not knowing why. I said nothing about my own vague dream, but I did feel funny about it. Told her the one instead about the character who wants to destroy me for possessing him.
Talked also about music things, and she said that since she has her license now, she’s been listening to the CD I made for her when she drives to and from the theatre. *feeling pleased*
After filing down my thousands of songs into 17 that I thought she would be interested in, I was worried maybe she didn’t like any of it at all. I suppose I usually worry for nothing.
But, yes. Dropped her off and she almost left with my scarf. But she gave it back and it smells like…cats? That’s alright. She seemed happy, like she had a good afternoon and I succeeded in ruining her plans to feel depressed. Smiling, even. (Gah. I’m glad we don’t make eye contact often. Hers are so pretty when she’s happy.)