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I always think that maybe I’ve misinterpreted the look she gets that I think is saying she wants to talk to me and can’t because we’re at work. Being presumptuous or something. Except that this time it was followed by a pause and, “so, I’m kind of freaking out. And maybe I’m just dumb. But yeah. I’m pretty freaking scared. I’ll tell you later.”

In turn, the not knowing what was wrong upset me enough that I wasn’t able to eat anything the rest of the day, and the learning what was wrong (in conjunction with my 2 hours worth of sleep that night) probably contributed to the fight I had with my fiancé after I left work…

Too much stress, man.

Anyway, I had to go to the office and count down a till from the bar, and she texted me before I could even make it back over to talk to her…it took me a little while for it to register who the text was even from. Partly because she’s not listed by her real name in my phone, and mostly because the words I was reading had not even occurred to me as possible things she would be freaking out about.

Out of all the things that upset people or scare them or make them otherwise uncomfortable, one of the worst to bring to me is the one where you’re scared that you might be pregnant.

I mean. Let’s be honest about me for a second…
Sure, I am in my mid-twenties…
Yes, I have been engaged twice now…
Still…

I’ve never worried about an accidental baby Reeser because I’ve never had sex. Not once.

A large part of the reason for that is probably because of the intense terror I feel about being responsible for bringing a child into the world and having to care for it basically until I die. (Unless the child grows up to hate me, and at some point removes himself from my life before I am actually dead…but that’s beside the point.)

I don’t know…I just feel weird about that one. Weirder than when people want to talk to me about heartbreak or death or depression or…those other things people sometimes want to talk to me about. At least those ones I feel like I can relate better to. But the unexpected baby one? I am the most unqualified person in the world to comfort you. But I tried.

We talked about it and she said she was probably just feeling scared for no reason…and that she thinks part of the reason she was scared is because she has always felt like a somewhat asexual individual anyway (which I sometimes think is one of her more interesting qualities), and the idea of being scared by something sex-related was scaring her even more…with the end result of her crying in a theatre when I did finally find her so we could talk.

So she told me about what happened, and about this guy who–unfortunately–works with us at the theatre, and how she’d been too afraid to bring it up when she’d last seen him, and then sent him a text about it after he left, and about being afraid he would never want to talk to her again and that she had ruined her life…

And then guests started arriving, so we let them look over their menus and I told her we’d go out and do something the next day (today) so she could (hopefully) stop freaking out and then go have an enjoyable evening since she had plans to go out to eat with a group of people from the theatre.

So we went park-hopping…walked down by the river and looked at fat squirrels and bluebirds and ducks and a happy looking little shiba inu dog who got bored watching its owner feed ducks and came to say hello to us.

We walked from there to another park and had an animated discussion about mohawks and about me getting angry too easily…I told her about the fight I had with Jester and she said she wished she could record moments like that (not the fight, but my telling of it) so that she could have evidence that I do have emotions. Since apparently the general opinion of me at work is still that I do not have any. And then we went to get iced cream, after which I tried to drive her home and missed the turn…so we stopped at another park and had a walk about before getting back in the car. She seemed in much better spirits when I dropped her back home, so I hope that she’s feeling better. And not scared about babies.

And ultimately, I hope there is not a baby to be scared about, and that hopefully she and this other individual will be more cautious if they decide to continue their relationship in this manner…
She said he did at least call her and they talked about it and she doesn’t feel like he hates her. That’s good. I just don’t want her to worry about things like that. It’s not good for her. Not that it’s good for anyone to be scared about things…but since I still hesitate to ask more about these health problems she has on top of her severe anxiety…I just feel like the worrying might make them worse. But what do I know.

I just want her to be okay. And to quit this ridiculous negation of my desire to hug her when she is upset. There’s no reason for it.

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