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Had some unexpected conversations today.

A rather lengthy one with one of our managers with whom I have a pretend feud…he’s still making his way towards a degree in computer science, and thinking about trying to leave us and break into the IT field before he actually graduates…we talked about why he’s leaving (toxic environment, too much stress, slipping grades, etc) and where he wants to go…had a weird thought and gave him the name of the company my brother-in-law works for. Idk. I’m sad that three of our managers are talking about leaving soon. But I guess one can’t stay put forever…

Terrified about my own future prospects, but I’m in no hurries to try and move on right now.

Had another conversation with this Loki character. He said something rather unexpected to me…that “you remind me of a younger me.” Granted, I’m seven years older than him. But I am still a little uneasy about that statement.

For the same reasons I was uneasy about being told that I was so much like Luke, or about always being cast as a male character when people are assigning me characters whom I am “like” in a show or book or movie.

It’s why I really wish sometimes that I could see myself. Then I could finally know for sure why it is that my personality is interpreted as masculine. Not that people ever say anything plainly. But the number of small remarks and observations that run in that vein is too large to pass off as paranoia, which is what I used to do.
And then I thought maybe it would be better to try and just get used to the possibility of having a masculine personality. Maybe then it wouldn’t bother me. And…mostly it does not. I am whatever I am. But. I do still wish I could understand what it is that prompts people to tell me these things about myself. My inability to grasp this phenomenon is extremely vexing.

Anyway. More music, yeah?

#27: The Crüxshadows–Quicksilver

Electroniky goth rock again. I enjoy the mythological references, and the few concrete images in the lyrics. And the tone and pace…the overall combination has an interesting effect on me. I find it hard to concentrate while it’s playing, so probably for the best that I did not know about this band when I was in college…but this particular song has the effect of collecting my aggressive feelings (that whole persona I describe as my Wolf), and directing them in a positive manner. It’s a good song to work up confidence or resolution to.

#26: Assemblage 23–Alive

More from a band I posted music from yesterday. This one has does a great job of taking really bleak images and making them out to be things we’re comfortable with.
It makes me think of a friend I haven’t talked to in a long while. When we were in our late teens, we used to talk to each other about all the terrible things that happened to us on a daily basis. All of it. And rarely anything positive. We admitted we were using each other, and in several ways that made for a poor friendship, but we also recognised that by forcing each other to hear every single problem and sob story and dramatic soliloquy that we had, we were able to reach a pretty significant conclusion: namely that we were not being normal teenagers, and that we seemed to have somewhat emotionally masochistic tendencies because we were unhappy when we had nothing to be unhappy about. We both invented very grim daydreams to compensate for these times of calm or happiness…because we couldn’t cope without that poignancy of unhappiness.

It was an eye-opening realisation, and even after we stopped talking much, we’d sometimes bring up that conversation. And I still think about it from time to time, especially when I get stupid and think I miss torturing myself about another one of our friends. I don’t miss that. (Do I?) No way.

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