Well. I tried to stop myself, but I could not.
I wrote that post last night, and I was rather shaken…I may write a post about why, eventually. But not now. I cannot yet do that.
Suffice it to say that this is much more tangible to me now than just a vague and inescapable fear.
But it wasn’t done with me, even after I wrote that post. So I thought, “who can I talk with?” Because the part of me that knows things sometimes felt it was very urgent that we talk to someone…confess that we are afraid, rather than hold it in and hold it in and keep holding.
But. I didn’t want to disturb anyone by texting them at 5am. Nor send him a message because I know he gets very upset by the subject. And I certainly did not want to make some pitiful plea on Facebook or some stupid thing like that. That never helps.
So I emailed her and asked if I could see her after work. Because I was going mad.
I didn’t even know if she would get the email…but she did, and when I woke up she said she would be glad to. Because, of course, all of the very best people are agreeable to putting themselves in the company of those who send them mad, paranoid emails in the middle of the night.
I saw her at work and I was sorry, because I was very brusque with everyone. I didn’t mean to be, but ah…I have been in SUCH pain all day. I pulled a muscle and it hurts all along my ribcage and across my back…hurts all the way up through my neck if I move in certain ways–especially is I laugh or cough. And of course I was bussing today. Up and down and up and down steps and bend and straighten and bend and straighten to clear plates and wipe tables and all manner of things. It hurt so bad.
I had to fully exhale every time I bent over, just so it wouldn’t hurt as much.
So, I didn’t really acknowledge her, although I know she had every intention of stopping me in the hall once…I just couldn’t because we were two theatres behind and…you know. I whisked past with barely enough time for a hello.
The show must go on, yeah?
It’s a tough motto to live by. And we do. We certainly do.
But, FINALLY I left work…and forgot I had a block to walk to get to my car, since we’ve arrived at the time of year where it is not possible to park in any of the mall’s garages. The walk wasn’t so bad though. I had the presence of mind to wrap my scarf around my ears and face, and the wind wasn’t quite as strong as it had been in the afternoon.
I went to her house and picked her up, and we went on a drive for a little over an hour. Had a good talk…about ridiculous movies and and dreams (the sleeping kind) and people we know. And her health. I finally asked if she’s ever been given a diagnosis about her constant stomach trouble, and she said she hadn’t, even though she’s been to doctors about it several times. She says she thinks it’s because she forgets to eat and is malnourished, and it makes her sick. I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not. I threatened to start bringing her fruits and vegetables.
Also told her what I’d thought she was saying when she told me her friend’s dad had terminal cancer…that she was saying she was dying. She was like, “oh yeah…I knew you thought that. Right when I said it, I knew it came out wrong.” Gah. x_x
I gave her the actual Christmas gift I’d gotten her, too…a perfume titled “Funeral Home”. She laughed so hard. ^_^
Nothing better than when you give a successful gift.
And…just for the record: I got it for her because she wants to be a funeral home director someday, not because I am morbid. Which is what my mom thought.
But yeah…I still feel uncertain as to whether there is greater wisdom in telling her or keeping it to myself, but she is one of my favourite people I have known. Of course, any of the other friends that I’ve been attached to like that, I never told. And it hurt me terribly to act like I cared less than I did and do.
I don’t know.
It’s my worthless personality traits. The ones that make it so much easier for people to unconsciously categorise me as masculine. It’s hard for me to explain what I mean, and if I tried, it would warrant its own post…but…I think with her that maybe I have the best chance I ever could have had to explain myself and be understood properly.
Haven’t decided yet.
But, she and I and Jester and another server are going to see Christmas lights tomorrow. Should be nice.
Hopefully either of us will even be awake before late tomorrow, since I am still up and, when I dropped her back off at 1am, there was a car with its lights on in front of her house…guess she’s kind of recovered from the boy we went to the concert with…and another one of our servers asked her out… 😛
Her: Ah, I hope he’s not mad that I just got back.
Reeser: If he is, I should make good on all my threats to punch him in the face.
Her: I told him a friend wanted to hang out for a while.
Reeser: Hey. Not just any friend: an important friend.
Her: Well, yes. I mean, I didn’t tell him it was you.
Her: Can I tell him I was hanging out with you?
Reeser: If you’re going out now, I suppose you can.
Her: Heh. Okay.
Reeser: And you can add that I said he’d better treat you right. Or I will punch him in his face.
Her: *panic giggle* Oh my gosh!
Reeser: I will!
Her: That’s so sweet that you said that.
Reeser: Right. Because I’m that friend.