Good word, that. It’s how I feel about now. Can’t make a soul happy, as much as I might try and in spite of my hopes that they would notice that I am suffering and take it upon themselves to lean less heavily on me.
But that’s what happens when you condition yourself to conceal your feelings. People really don’t see them, and don’t try to. And think you feel nothing when it is so far from the truth.
And it hurts. Even the little jabs about it hurt.
I don’t know what I want more though: to be left alone for a bit, or to strive and strive again towards that possibility, however small, that I might ever be able to reach out and touch someone. Stop striving and feeling only the void swirling around me, and actually feel my fingers reach something solid. Something that grasps back.
I feel terribly empty. Even when I am with those people with whom I am closest. I don’t feel like they understand me. I don’t sense them reaching back towards me. Maybe I am just too dull and stupid to see that they are. No idea.
Anyway, that isn’t what I had planned for today. Had some songs again for you.
#16: Assemblage 23–Smoke
My, but I listened to this band a LOT this past year.
Anyway, this song is like a story sketch, and I like that about it a lot. Not a full narrative, but…like a montage or a storyboard. Connected images, but not characters. It’s a little impersonal, but I’m okay with that.
I think one of the other things about this band that I like in conjunction with these lyrics is the vocalist’s tone. It’s not true of all of his singing, but I feel like he’s got a very hard, impersonal voice. It’s a sharp contrast from a lot of my favourite songs, since (for an unemotional person) I do like a lot of really emotional singing.
Got all the echoes and twangs and beeps that I like…and, yeah. That’s about it for this one.
#15: Colony 5–Black (Club-Edit)
Ah. More Goth/industrial.
And, aside from its genre, I honestly can’t tell you why I even like this song. Or how I managed to listen to it so many times this year. Like…it’s alright. It’s got a fast pace and a lot of the things I’ve come to expect and enjoy in the Goth/industrial genres…but no stand-out features. I don’t care about this song.
So, I can’t recommend it as being good. But. It’s not bad, either. It’s just unremarkable. And I have no other opinion on it.