I was thinking about him today, that other me.
He’s been so quiet. I almost didn’t notice it, but I was walking into the mall and wishing I had taller black socks because my ankles were cold…and it popped into my mind that I have felt calm for a much longer time than I am used to.
And I went in the building, and into the back hallway, and pressed the button for the service elevator so I could go upstairs…and thought about all those times I did the exact same thing and did not feel the cold ankles or smell the lingering garbage scent in the elevator because all I could feel was the crushing loneliness and all I could hear was Wolf screaming and cursing…
I still feel bad sometimes. I don’t think I can be cured of that…but I haven’t gotten that sort of bad feeling in a while.
Maybe that’s why we instead have that unwarranted obsessive feeling.
Psh. Dumb. Did I say unwarranted?
Maybe not. Not if it stops the other, worse feelings.
I do think that’s what it is, too. The results of finally starting to accept that I have a friend who is not only like me in some unexpected ways, but who is not so far away that I can only see her for a few days every year or two.
It has been five years since I have had a friend whose body language and facial expressions I could observe.
No wonder I find it so difficult to relate to people.