Facebook depresses me sometimes. Not because I think people are happier or living more exciting lives than I am (I know better), but because of stuff like the amount of griping everyone does about stuff posted by people they supposedly care about, and because I see the words and likes and shares of people I used to be close with…and…they’re just not the same.
I get that people change.
I get that.
But…the people I was friends with in high school and college depress me.
They aren’t the people I loved anymore; those kids don’t exist now. And I can’t complain about that–they purposefully became who they are now. All the things I feel most doubtfully about regarding their personalities required some degree of choosing by them.
It makes me feel sad and sick.
I guess either people feel the same way about me, or they don’t care at all what I turned into. Because maybe they think I haven’t changed. And excepting my temper…I really am a lot of what I used to be. Still lonely. Still quiet. Still obsessive when I finally get interested in a thing or a person. Still like animals. Still read. Still do dumb things like post pictures regularly in a sky-album I originally made for her when she started getting interested in cloud and star-gazing. Because she’s far away and I miss her and I hope when I post these pictures, she knows I am thinking of her.
I don’t know.
I wonder if any of them think of me. Ever.
They never say they do. No note to say they’ve been thinking of me. No nothing.
I used to do that, and engage them in half-hearted messages that would fizzle out after a few days. They just aren’t interested. Maybe they never were. It hurts me to think so, but I guess it’s something I always sort of believed anyway. That nobody cares.
Heh. I started this as a facebook post, and then I decided I couldn’t post it. People would just start asking me what was wrong, or they’d think it was about them (maybe it would have been), and get offended…
I don’t believe anyone would understand. And I never will.