Aha. Must be getting on towards summer again. I can tell because I stopped being able to sleep at all. And also because all the conflicting sensations of the void in my soul, and the fire in my skin, and my ineffectual efforts to deny both feelings from blotting out the rest of my personality–all those things are back, too.
An added bonus: today was World Goth Day. So I listened to all my gothy music and…man…I haven’t listened to it quite as much lately, but as a whole…it has the exact effect of enlarging all those sensations (that I am acting like I hate, but I enjoy them oh-so-much because they are who I am).
I feel like I’ve always been inclined to blame specific songs for focusing my feelings like that…nah…the collection as a whole does it. That and the blasting my air conditioning so unnecessarily that I feel the cold in my bones, and can touch my neck and think about how warm I really am…
Oh well. It doesn’t matter.
What matters is how angry I am at my fiancé’s place of employ. Don’t bloody tell someone that you’ve got them on a track into a salaried spot, and they just need to complete six weeks of further training in their current position before advancing…and then NOT DO IT. And avoid them when they try to get ahold of you and find out what’s going on.
The bit of us that is all fire is wondering what exactly they promised him and who was there when these conversations happened…maybe there’s some kind of argument to be made for a verbal contract that they’re breaking…but…not being there for the conversations, I don’t know for sure…and…I hesitate to bring it up to him because I don’t think he’d go for that sort of argument. And also, part of me thinks I’m being unreasonable (except that I’m fucking NOT).
Another part of me–not entirely sure which one–is thinking that we should just give up expecting our lot to improve markedly any time soon, and we need to sit down and have a serious talk about our financial situation and figure out if we’d be able to support ourselves with what we’re making now…
And I love him…I do. I love him as much as I am capable of loving. But I refuse to put us in a situation where we’d be living paycheck to paycheck before we knew it. And I’m afraid that’s what would be in store for us if we rashly just went ahead and got married…he keeps going on about people he knows who make less than we do and still get by…I don’t want to be that way though.I don’t want to just scrape by if we can do better…and I feel like we can…he just keeps getting screwed over at this job and it’s been going on for almost an entire year…
I don’t know what to think anymore. I feel like if I say, “let’s just go ahead and screw the consequences”, then I’m setting us up for failure. And I feel like if I keep hanging back and saying, “no…not yet…let’s wait and see…”, then maybe I’m being too cautious and giving us equal opportunity to fail by way of never getting there in the first place.
I don’t even know.
I look back at the younger me, when I was engaged the first time…I don’t know what on earth was wrong with me…we’d never have been okay if that had actually gone through. Idiot.
I just wish something could go right. Ever. And that I could feel calm. I just want to feel calm for once. That’s all.