1. Why the eff is it so hard to replace toilet paper when YOU used the last of it? What exactly is it that is so repellant about taking THREE SECONDS of your day to pop a new roll onto the holder? I swear…when I come into my kingdom, you cretins will be harshly dealt with.
2. It was hot out. And windy. I kept thinking, “weather like this would give the dwarves flashbacks to Smaug…” I’m an idiot.
3. She agreed to be a bridesmaid. And she already knew I was going to ask her, but it was a good visit…her eyes got that bright, shiny look that she has when she’s excited about something. Makes me feel like a less sucky friend…esp. since she said she’s been crying a lot about dumb things, and I felt bad…but she kept laughing about it when she was telling me, so she can’t be doing too poorly, right?
4. I don’t know where the rest of me is. The part that growls and has trippy dreams and wants to set things on fire…..he’s just gone. Ish. Sometimes I sense him. But not often. Not often at all. It’s ridiculous…I don’t feel angry anymore. I don’t feel that stressed. I don’t feel that excited about stuff. I don’t feel that sad. Or anything. I don’t feel much of anything. I mean. I’m alright…it’s not that “un-feel” of depression…it’s just…nothing.
I think my relationship to my emotions is obnoxious. As much as I despise feeling things the way that the Wolf me always does…the alternative is equally irritating. People ask me how I am and all I have to say is “meh”. It’s not bad. Or good. It’s not anything, really. At all.
I mean…I always want to ask, but the mere wanting to ask makes me uncomfortable…like I’ve missed some key point in being human…still…is this how it is for other people? The alternation between feeling nothing in particular and then feeling things with unbearable intensity? I just want to know that it isn’t just me…and also that it isn’t just mental illness.