You know how sometimes you will forget about something until someone brings it up and you start talking about it, and as you talk, you hear your own voice getting louder and your facial muscles tighten and you…really didn’t realise you were still that upset about it, and have to stop yourself before you say too much.
I really did forget I am upset about it. But we were at work, and telling stories…and Brandi asked something about him. That repulsive creature masquerading as a human.
I knew I still felt guilty about going directly against my own nature and leaving her with him…but I didn’t realise how angry I still am at him. Until I came within a heartbeat of blurting out to Brandi what he’d done, and had to cut myself off like I’d been given some poorly scripted line…
But I am angry. So angry. The image kept popping into my mind, of smashing a rock into his smiling face, and smashing until all that remains is a pulpy mess. And that sickens me, because I don’t usually imagine harming anyone…I just feel the violence, and it doesn’t go anywhere. But apparently, deep down, I want to hurt him.
…Richard doesn’t believe that anger is my most easily expressed emotion. But it is. Or, it would be if I didn’t feel like I had to restrain myself from talking out loud about it. I mean, you don’t just tell people, “I hate that kid and want to smash his head in because he did xy and z”. (Instead, you write about it on your blog so the internetz can notify whoever monitors us all for potential violent tendencies.)
I can put it in a better light though, I suppose.
The things that make me angriest are 95% directed at people who have hurt someone I love. I like to think this makes me not such a crazy person. All that rage…because I can’t stop people from being hurt.
I keep trying to persuade myself to email K and talk to her more…I would like very much to talk to her about it…but I keep stopping myself or thinking of other stuff to do…keeping myself “too busy” so I don’t have to tell anyone when really I am bursting to tell someone…so much so that I almost today told two people who have no business whatsoever knowing what I allowed to happen to this girl.
Wears me out. (Although I guess I could still just be tired from yesterday’s roller coaster park adventures.)
Think I will go read for a bit, then sleep.