I slept for three hours again last night. partly because I can never sleep. mostly because of fighting with jesse for over an hour via text messaging and then being too worked up to fall asleep. and now I am so tired. but I know I wont sleep if I try. I can’t. my brain will just keep humming along. with spells of non-thought–toni’s “brain static”–getting longer and more frequent. just staring. or watching thoughts waft across my mind, while being unable to catch any of them.

that’s great, I guess. that he can go out with his friends and tell them hes upset. I cant do that. as much as I want to think I am likable, I cant bring myself to get anyone else involved in my own problems. they don’t really care. or want to hear that. so why bother.

I think I want to pretend to myself that I have no problems, too. what better way to do that than to never speak of them. nobody needs to know. nobody wants to know. I don’t want anyone to know. its all good.

nothing is bothering me.
nothing matters anyway.

I keep wanting to focus instead on someone else. I want to help Toni and Schyler move apartments. I want to help my employee whose family lost their house. I want to just watch cartoons about the candy kingdom and fighting zombies, and just not think too hard about anything. because what good is it anyway. if I get distracted with important stuff, I always seem to open my mouth. and destroy and destroy. and I cant stop myself. part of me is horrified and wants it to just stop, but I cant do what it says. I cant do anything but keep going just a bit too far. and destroying.

im not even shocked anymore. just tired.

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