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Buyer’s remorse? I don’t suffer from that very often, because usually I don’t buy things that I didn’t fully intend to buy. I don’t regret the actual purchase.

Instead, I think I suffer from a tendency to question my interests when I get certain things. Or to worry unnecessarily about how I am going to explain myself if someone asks. Like my unicorns. Most of them were gifts. But then there’s, you know…the giant fluffy pillow-pet that I bought at a kiosk in the mall where my old theatre is. I had looked at that kiosk for weeks and debated whether I really wanted one. And I couldn’t stand it anymore. I bought her and a bunch of my film crew the next day were like, “aaw…we saw you bought a unicorn”.

Embarrassed. -_-”

And then there are the out-of-print books. Not because I am a collector of old or rare books…but because there is truthfully no other way I can read these authors’ stories and poetry. It’s not available digitally. But I love their writing, so my options are slim. And that means paying a lot for something that I have a hard time justifying to other people, even though I’ve created a small budget for myself to do stuff like this.

Now…it’s a watch. I have never wanted a vintage item. Never. But…my internet is stalking me in a decidedly creepy way, so…it told me this pocket watch existed. And I have spent almost a month looking at it and repeatedly asking myself if I want it…and I did, obviously. Enough to look at it every couple of days. So I bought it. And now I’m like, “bro…why you do this?”

And I keep telling myself things like that my luck with brand new watches has not been good–and it hasn’t been, since my two brand-new pocket watches were relatively low-quality and the better of the two had the faceplate come off on the inside of the watch. But I feel unconvinced.

I don’t know…I did look at other ones first. I poked around on Amazon, since that’s where my previous two watches came from…and it’s hard to gauge fair pricing and quality for this kind of item, since more than three quarters of the reviews are from people who are just reviewing the watches as cosplay items and not things they would use on a daily basis (which I did, when I had them). The ones with decent numbers of (positive) reviews are fairly expensive though, with the cheaper ones I looked at being between $60-$120, on average. So…I think I paid a reasonable amount for this watch, given it’s vintage/antique status…I just feel guilty about it. Because, you know…why you get that particular one?

Like when I bought my last book. Man. Barnes & Noble cashiers are brutal, sometimes.
Either they want to talk to me about the book I’m getting, and I like them and am glad we talked…or they’re like the girl who rang out my last book, and they skim the the back jacket and get this look of wth kind of person reads this on purpose.

In an effort to redeem myself, I agreed to purchase a baby book to donate to a children’s hospital. Ugh. Just…uncomfortable.

But it’s already done. So now I have a month or so to stop cringing when I think about it. Until a package arrives for me from Bulgaria and my parents be like, wtf you buying??

My timekeeping woes aside, here is more music for you.

#26
Automation by Assemblage 23

Ah, yeah. The first techno-industrial song so far. I think that, out of 31, only four of them fall into those categories this year, which is far less than in the previous three years that I’ve done this.

This song I think I listened to for content more than overall sound, although the music is not bad.
Jesse gave me this CD when it came out a few years ago, but this track wasn’t even a blip on my radar until early this past year when I got turned down for a management position at my old theatre. They didn’t bother to interview me, and the person who eventually ended up speaking to me about the decision did a very poor job of conveying to me any sound reasoning…basically his reasons boiled down to my being too quiet, too unrelatable, and too lacking in personality.

Of all the obsessions that I obsess over…this is The One. How do I relate to others? Why do they not understand me? Why are my responses in situations generally deemed unacceptable?

I have always been introverted. Always. And despite all the special protected categories that exist–race, religion, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, etc–I feel like I will never be at an advantage in some situations. Because of my personality.

Because who cares about introverts? Are they worth caring about? They’re, like, subhuman. Right?

At least, that’s been my experience as an introvert. Because I know that my generally unemotional or quiet demeanor is because of my personality type. Not because of a thing I invented about myself to make me feel better or express myself, but because of what I naturally am like.

And I think that being an introverted personality type can easily be like this song. Where you are constantly judged as being less than human, or as having less of an existence than “normal” people…but that isn’t true. You’re so very much alive and aware. It’s just hard to shake off that other people don’t see you that way and they think you are broken.

It hurts.

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