I think I’m malfunctioning again.
Woke up today and got up to turn off my alarm–I keep my phone plugged in away from my bed so that I actually have to get up to turn it off…for all the good that does–and staggered into the wall.
I was feeling dizzy all through my shower and that whole lengthy process of waking up…and didn’t really shake the feeling until right before I left the house. I forgot about it in the frustration of getting my errands done today…but feeling like that can’t be good.
Like when I try to sleep.
I lay there for a long time, almost every night, and think about things and talk myself to sleep…and when I pass that stage, I turn over and put my arm under the pillow, and usually fall asleep soon after.
But lately, just now and then, I will turn over to sleep, and instead of dropping off, I am suddenly hyper-alert, and my heart starts hammering. For no reason whatsoever. The kind of THUD-THUD-THUD I get when I narrowly miss being in an accident, or when a guest is shouting at me at work.
I don’t know why this is happening, but I suppose I should not forget that it did–the dizziness–in case it happens again.
Anyway, here is that song to get back on track with my count.
In A Win, Win Situation by Emery
As always with Emery…beautiful vocals. I love it. And this one even lacks the scream vocals that Jester says “ruin” so many of their songs that would otherwise be good.
This is another one that I think I listened to so much because I thought a lot about my college years. That me was absurd. And so upsetting to think about.
And that was really when my obsessive tendencies started to show themselves…this song was like that, for me. Vaguely connected to my obsessing over someone and lacking the motivation or justification for it.
I think so many things I listened to at that time were about this. The impossibility of resolving a feeling. I still haven’t learned to do it. It’s less intense, sure…but not gone. Never gone.