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I need someone to explain to me the forces at work when other humans form associations regarding me. Not actual associations, but the ones that start out slightly humorous and then start morphing into something where I am like, “um…this isn’t what I meant to portray myself as”, but am at a loss for how to cut it off. Because by that point, letting it get a rise out of me is (as I understand) the surest way to reinforce the association.

Like when my siblings would (and still do) tell me that I am like Professor Snape from the Harry Potter books. Or like Squidward from the Spongebob show. Or the brief time when I was being referred to as a Vulcan at my old theatre.

Somehow a few of the other managers and supervisors have latched onto this idea of describing some of my habits and likes/dislikes as being un-American. To the point where I am starting to be able to predict when they’re about to make these comments.

We were trying to talk about music today though, after talking about zombies. So, you know…I thought there was a segue for me to bring in songs about and cannibalism, and my supervisor thought I said I had a collection of songs about zombies and communism…and I did not realize he’d misheard until he said that at this point, that was exactly the kind of un-American music he’d expect me to be interested in, and btw, what does communism-themed music sound like anyway?


(Please note: I am not approving of cannibalism. I just have an interest in horror-themed music that sometimes yields story-songs about this kind of character.)

Here is a song that has neither cannibals nor zombies nor communism!

I Only Think of You by The Horrors

I don’t know what induced me to listen to this song as much as I did this past year. Because yeah, I like it. But not that much. This song is not easy on the ears, rather like rough waves are not easy on the stomach.

In short: this song sounds drunk and needs to go home. Not the story of it–because I did a stupid thing and got this song based on its lyrics–but the sounds. All of them. The music is slurred and wobbly, and the vocals are paced just slowly enough to make the whole thing edge towards unbearable.

But the story though…it’s a theme, with me. The wanting to save someone from something that you can really do nothing about. The whole offering to walk right into fire for them, when they do not want or need you to, and would probably not be moved by it if you did.

I think that maybe this song got so high into the list because I could think of no better way to wring that feeling out of me than to hear it sounding like the nonsense that it really is. And I can’t say it’s worked…but by comparison, I feel like that so little anymore that I can’t say it didn’t help, either.