Here is the problem, as I see it:
I am told that the human mind finds connections where there are none, and that this is why we are like we are, finding meanings where there “aren’t” meanings, and making stories and symbols and communicating complex (and ultimately “meaningless” ideas, depending on whether you believe or don’t believe in meaning as a thing that exists…). And yes, okay. I think a lot of connections we forge are stupid or meaningless.
But it is hard–so hard–to write them off when it is your own brain doing it.
Like this movie, right? I would never have watched it, except that I’d already seen another one that I would never have watched but for this thing that I am trying so hard to blame on my Wolf.
But they were both watched. And in this second one, where I already knew this scene existed because I was…I don’t know…serving drinks or something stupid. You needed more water with lemon, or a bottle of malt vinegar. Something dumb. But I remember this scene–that is the point–
No. No, I’m getting ahead of myself.
The movie. I watched it because I had already seen one with you in it, and I wanted to hear you talk again because it amused me. And because I am profoundly affected by voices. It’s a thing with me.
But…I liked you voice and I wanted to hear you talk more, so I watched this movie. And I knew this scene was in it, where you told a story that I already knew–and that is why I remember it…because I was moderately excited to hear a telling of this story I already knew and liked (very well…I liked it a lot or I would not remember).
This is the thing though:
You don’t just tell the story. You tell it with details that say to me, “this is you. This is why you are like that.”
I mean, as connections go…it would have been weak. But I wrote a post about that story just a few days ago. And it was fresh in my mind. And now all I can think about is how bizarre it feels, that I would hear you talking about something I was so recently thinking of.
I only slept for about three hours last night, and now I fear I will be unable to sleep again because I will be awake, thinking of this.
And listening to the songs…my goodness, the songs…
It was all a terrible, terrible mistake. I swear.
Except that, as you point out, I could not help but make that mistake because it is who I am. It was so because it could be no other way.