Blutengel, books, depression, depressive, emotions, empathy, entertainment industry, holidays, hope, kindness, movies, music, sad, sadness, secret Santa, sleep, suicide, tears, The Man in The High Castle, unicorns, wolf, work
In accordance with The Prophecy from my last entry, I slept comfortably for about twelve hours. Now I’ve got this to post and then go to bed again. Things to do tomorrow, so less sleeping will happen…just not so little as during Star Wars opening week.
(I worked almost the same number of hours in one weekend as I normally world in an entire week…makes me sincerely annoyed that our business is classified in an industry where they don’t have to pay us overtime. Especially since Sunday was the worst day I’ve had at work in ages.)
And then later this week, CHRISTMAS!
Must wake up at 5am to be at work on time Christmas Eve day…but maybe I will not have to stay the whole time? (Who am I kidding? Of course I’ll have to. People love their Star Wars.) And then I close on Christmas. And on New Year’s Eve.
To me, it seems so stupid that a few years ago people started getting up in arms about retailers being open on Thanksgiving and Christmas, but those SAME PEOPLE will totally go see a movie on one of those holidays because it’s a “family tradition”. Yes. Okay. A family tradition that, while not being about “shopping”, is still centered on nonessential entertainment (not like emergency services and similar roles) that makes it so that other people have to be at work on a holiday. *rolls eyes*
If we gave each other cards at work, they would look like this, I think:
On the other hand, Secret Santa was a good time. Corinne turned out to have gotten me, and Mike told her to send me the message about Communism to throw me off. 😛
I still don’t have a unicorn, but I do have a mug in the shape of one, which is pretty awesome. ^_^
And a copy of The Man in The High Castle, so that I can read it and decide if the book and the show make me sympathetic to the same characters or not.
Anyway…music is now, and also a more straightforward explanation of my feelings than I am accustomed to giving.
Über den Horizont (Blutengel)
This song is another one of those that I love, but my Wolf side hates because we get all emotional about it, which was something we hadn’t even anticipated needing to watch out for when listening to Blutengel. I think part of the reason it got all the way to the #10 spot was because it took days of listening to it on repeat before we could stop tearing up.
(To which my Wolf says: “Why the hell do you decide to listen to weepy songs while you’re driving?!“, and then goes off into a corner to growl quietly to himself…)
It is an interesting question though…why would I knowingly impair my ability to navigate a potentially dangerous activity by indulging in excess emotion…
And I do have an answer. But that other me, he doesn’t like it–takes it personally.
I suppose it has a lot to do with the me that existed before we started building up all the traits that we classify as my Wolf. That me was hurt really easily. And not only that, but the me that went through college had worryingly depressive tendencies…the feeling empty or numb, the self-loathing, the never wanting to get out of bed because what was even the point?, the despair over things that were out of our control, the crying into our notes for class because we felt terrible and didn’t know why or if it could stop…and the not being able to tell anyone because I couldn’t. I didn’t want anyone to be more disappointed with me than I already believed they were.
And…I suppose that at it’s worst point, there was a night when I spoke with K about going out and lying in the street. Because we lived in the country at the time, where there are no streetlights and where people like to drive fast. I anticipated that anyone out that night wouldn’t see me in time to stop at that speed, which isn’t an unreasonable assumption…
Obviously it never happened, or I would not be writing this post.
But…the thing I want to say about that me is that I don’t know how serious all those bad feelings were. I never sought out help for how I was feeling, and I don’t know if that was right or wrong of me. I never even told K the extent of how I’d been feeling because, despite her being hundreds of miles away, I didn’t want her to see what a mess I was.
My family didn’t seem to notice, and neither did my friends nor the person I was dating at the time–if any of them did, they never said a word. But sometimes I thought other people knew. People in my classes, or some of my professors (especially them)…and they would be nice to me. Not ask me about it, and not do anything overt…but the way they would talk to me sometimes was like they knew I just needed someone to be nice to me. Like they were giving me verbal hugs. And I always wanted to cry when they did these things, and thank them…but of course I didn’t because tears are for the weak.
This year has been fairly trying for me, and despite all the mental tricks that my Wolf knows to keep us from being sad like we used to get, they don’t always work. And when this song came to me, that was a time when they were not working…but it was like when I was in school and people would just be nice to me. Like they knew. That was the impression I got from this song.
Of course, I couldn’t be sure if my impression was valid when I first heard this song. I felt certain about it though.
According to people who’ve been kind enough to make up translations though, it seems to me that this song can be saying one of two things…it could be telling you to kill yourself and escape…forget the things that made living bad and face the unknown of being dead. Or it could be telling you to be brave and find someone to go on with you and help get you through it.
The latter interpretation makes more sense to me with the tone of the song, and with the girl in the video seeming to be alive at the end…but I can’t totally dismiss that the song could go in the completely opposite direction. It seems like it could, lyrically.
(My #31 song is also like a companion to this one, as far as content and lyrics…I was so pleased about that…)
Still. I don’t feel that way. Like this is telling me to give up and kill myself. It feels like the opposite. Like a verbal hug, so one can keep going.
So that’s what we do.
Previous #10 Songs
2014: Cold War Transmissions (Anberlin)
2013: Mag Mell (Suidakra)
2012: Angel Whiskey (The Zydepunks)
2011: The Curse (Diary of Dreams)