Today should have been an alright day, buuuut I can’t feel good about it because I think I’ve reached an impasse in a conversation, and that’s ruining everything I might have felt good about…there’s just nothing I can think of to say that will make it better or please the other party.
Perhaps the problem is that I lack tact. And, I mean…I know that. Yay, self-awareness and all. But I wish I could think of the right things to say. Every once in a while.
Not saying anything isn’t seeming to work, either. One can repeat again and again “if you can’t say something nice (or that will be perceived as nice), don’t say anything at all”, but I think that is ruining it just as much.
Look at me, over here. Not winning no matter what I do. Woooooo. Exciting stuff, yeah?
Buuuut…I got my review at work, and I’m awesome. (As expected.) A little bit of me is like, “but I’m not awesome-awesome!”…to which I must remind myself that despite my boss’s tendency to be a little too nice, he genuinely seemed to be struggling to come up with areas where I needed to improve, the biggest one being something I already mentioned in my self-evaluation…mostly that I am not good with the business financials aspect of our job.
Rewinding to the start of that last paragraph: is this something that other people do? You know…get really suspicious of praise? Like, where is the catch? What is it that they’re not telling you? These positive things that are being said about you are lies…aren’t they?
I have no idea why I have such a suspicious nature regarding anyone’s supposed good perceptions of me. There’s no reason for it. Not an obvious one, anyway. But yeah…maybe I should stop telling lies about myself at work, eh?
(A list of my favourite lies:
1. I never sleep.
2. I will kill you.
3. I’m awesome.
4. I cannot be killed.
See! It’s even higher up than my claim of immortality!)
I did get a little bit of gratification because apparently I had an online training course that I somehow missed. So I brought our collective score down to 99%. *gasp!*
It turns out it was the Affirmative Action course, which I swear I have taken before…and ended up with a lot of ridiculous banter from everyone else about me being a racist. *strangled noises of protest*
So I did the course and passed, which I suppose means I’m fit to continue as the hiring manager.
I did my other HR tasks too, and learned that I am not good at rationing my work. Now that we’re back into a slower season, I can’t be finishing my tasks within the first two or three hours of work…means I never have enough to keep occupied during the rest of my shift. But I did come up with some other audit-type tasks that I can do to keep busy during my weekday shifts.
I am just really unhappy though. Despite having an alright day. Oh well though, right?
This cheered me up a little though:
Anyone else ever use jadeite glassware? No? Well.
Once upon a time, when Reeser was little, our family would go on vacation to the house we inherited from my grandparents. And you know (if you have siblings) that sometimes there is a “special” thing that there is only one of, and whoever gets to use it gets that glorious moment of feeling superior to the others because you have in your possession (however temporary) that coveted “special” thing.
And we had a little jadeite bowl that was one of the most prized “special” things that we all wanted to use. Why was it special? I don’t know. Because it was pretty. And because it was actually glass, so if our parents were letting you use it, they were trusting you to not break it. And because…I don’t know…just…milk glass is just different from ceramic or clear glass, so it had a quality that none of the other dishes seemed to have. I really liked that little bowl.
And so I’ve been looking at pictures of them and thinking about that. The groundless specialness of it and how happy it made any one of us to have a turn to eat popcorn or iced cream or spaghettios out of a little green bowl.
I want to be allowed to have a little green bowl of my very own and be happy about it.