I got a lot of things done today. Congratulations, me.
I keep hoping that if I can keep up a steady impression of achievement, then it will counter-balance the terror that keeps looming on the far horizon of our mental landscape, like so many roiling, black clouds.
I mean, it’s either that, or keep hearing my Wolf’s sharp remarks about cowardice. And feeling that distinction between us dissolve so that he is saying it to himself. But all the things he says to try and prod us in the right direction sound wrong. The words he’s saying are coming out in my own voice, and that voice sounds afraid. But he shouldn’t sound like I do…that’s the me that isn’t supposed to be afraid or slink away. That’s not what we do…right?
I think this is going to be very difficult. He and I have this notion that things are a certain way, and they must be that way…and I think it is not going to be like that.
It’s upsetting to see the me that is not afraid being afraid.
So we try to blot that out by thinking instead about checking tasks off our to-do list, trying to figure out a way to see Toni and have a visit where we don’t talk about how we feel, and with trying to be pleased about finding a book we wanted and only paying 79¢ for it…
Anything to blot out the terror.