Every time I really think that maybe I’m leaving off my tendency towards rage, something happens to test that theory, and I fail these tests every bloody time.
It’s like…being a happy little car and puttering along down a little country road with fields and butterflies…and then SUDDENLY the world is on fire and the fields are black and filled with craters…all the butterflies are swirling around the hot air, their little pastel wings crisping and dropping them to the ground.
And it doesn’t even stop at just being a feeling of anger that I get frustrated by…it’s also all the absurd thoughts that burst onto the scene about how much I hate my life and I hate everyone else and what is even the point of anything when you can never be happy and nobody else is ever happy with you?
None of those things are true, of course. My life is okay. I don’t hate other people, and other people seem to like me okay too.
…even when I get this angry, I can recognize that I’m not thinking logically about the situation. But…I can’t get it under control again because the intensity of the rage shuts out my ability to be reasonable.
And despite my claim to not hate other people, it’s very hard to be good to others when feeling that way. It’s like…watching the little butterflies burn makes me want to burn everyone else, too. And not care if I am burned in the process because why shouldn’t I be?
It’s also hard to sleep when people say the most infuriating and upsetting things to me so close to bedtime. Every damn time.
I already have trouble sleeping, and I haven’t slept well for days. Now to have to come down from this feeling of the world ending in a fiery apocalypse on top of my typical insomnia…? It’s not what I had in mind for this night.
What I wanted to do was come home and eat, and think about the money situation for the next wedding thing I needed to check off my list. Maybe I would read some before finally going to sleep.
I did not want to sit at my desk with my pulse racing and my head throbbing because I am so tired and furious, and have to invent something to do to try and help bring my emotional temperature back down to a manageable level (“write about it,” they say…”you’ll feel better”). I don’t know that I really feel better or normal again…but I’ve spent too much time brooding on it already.
I can probably skip the bit about wedding planning tonight (fortunately, I am able to grasp that I should NOT spend large sums of money whilst in this mood) and go straight to reading and sleeping. But I don’t know that I will enjoy what I read (as I mentioned: what’s the point of enjoying anything?) and I won’t fall asleep easily because the moment I put my book away, my mind will refocus on the brooding about why I am upset.
I wish there was a way to just make it stop.