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Heh. I wrote a little post and then forgot about it and didn’t post it…so…I’ve just deleted it and *shrugs* …meh.


I have so many things to think about and nobody to say them to. Just…not to bore anyone…but because maybe they will make more sense to me if I say them to somebody else, you know?

Here is a thing I’ve noticed, and which seems related to that thought:
I suspect that I think my fiancé thinks I’m an idiot. I’m remarkably stupider and less competent when he and I talk than I am when I talk to other people. Literally anyone else is going to get to talk to a more intelligent me than he is. How can that be happening?

Maybe it’s his constant touting how smart he is and how he remembers everything so perfectly, so the intelligent bit of me is like, “oh, well…I guess this is your show to run. Don’t look at me. *raises hands* I know nothing.”

And I don’t know. Really. Not that I want to write this and have him read it and feel bad (I must also concede that I am writing those words because I suspect that will happen)…I’m just getting tired of the personality flip-flop that occurs in these situations. Like…how do I snap myself out of it? I can’t spend the rest of my days with glazed eyes and drool running down my chin because I suddenly stop being able to communicate coherently. Or…I don’t want to do that, at least.

It’s a puzzle to me. A disappointing one.

*subject change*
Also…I am once again looking for information in some unfashionable places on the internetz…but maybe someone here will know what I’m asking about? (I doubt it though.)

I have been combing through my music library and getting rid of a lot of things that I know, deep down, I would never listen to intentionally…and I’m coming up with some weird stuff that I don’t exactly remember adding to the library, and some that I know where it came from, but…I can’t find much information about the music itself.

The first one is one that I do remember is from a real CD that I bought…so I know how I ended up with it, but I can’t find much about the artist. The songs I was interested in are by a band called Thanatos…but there doesn’t seem to be a lot of info about them (too many links to 404 Not Found pages).
Some of the songs I was curious about show up on youtube, but they’re mostly recent uploads (which is surprising) and don’t have any info or comments attached to the songs. The songs aren’t recent though…like…the CD in particular that I am thinking of was a 1996 compilation from Projekt Records…still not a lot to go on.

The other one…I’m not really surprised that it appears in my music library, but I don’t actually remember downloading music from (or visiting) the Vampire Freaks web site…but I suppose I must have done because that’s another compilation with some weirdness happening on my music player. A lot of it was industrial stuff that I don’t have any particular feelings about, and deleted a bunch of it…but apparently there was also a track that I never listened to because it never got opened in my music player…?

That’s not okay. (What else is buried in my audio files and not making itself known to me?)
So I’m kind of amused that music from Ok-Ztein-Ok is making an appearance now (so that driving me starts getting suspicious and asking wtf is that?) but at least I could find out something about it. Some musical relation of KMFDM (which I am not too keen on).

But…yeah. some things to keep me interested in staying up late and poking around online, I guess. And in the time I spend trying to fall asleep, some things to turn over in my mind and wonder why I am now noticing them when I think I would not have done before.