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I think I hate little purple butterflies.

It’s really stupid, but I saw some yesterday and Wolf-me flew into a rage about them and went storming along much faster than usual. It was a dumb thing to do, since that’s how you walk farther than you meant to, and then feel more tired and take longer to walk back…

They remind us of taking Toni there though, and trying to cheer her up and talking about fairies and dumb things after what happened with that stupid kid from our theatre…the one whom I think I mentioned fantasizing about stabbing with a ball point pen…
I still don’t feel like we apologised hard enough to her. Or long enough. Or sincerely enough. But what can one say? What apology is enough to cover that?

My Wolf…he just turns dark and bristles.
There isn’t an apology for that. Nothing to undo it.

Trying to turn that rage toward some more likely targets than butterflies though. Like our wedding coordinator and the girl making the bouquets.

Apparently the coordinator did not arrange for us to have the rehearsal on the date that we told everyone to ask off for it. Soooo…in an uncommon stroke of good luck, everyone is available anyway or can rework it for the date she gave us instead. Except maybe me. Maybe I won’t be able to. I won’t know until Saturday…and I don’t think my boss will say no, but still…makes me angry that she gave us this date and then says she didn’t. But I don’t have it in writing from her, Just in my mom’s notes she took when we met with the coordinator in January. *growls*

And that stupid girl with the flowers…
I messaged her because I placed my order on 10 March and hadn’t heard back, and she says she’ll have pictures for me in “a few days”. OMG. Just finish them already so I can either approve them or ask for my money back! *rages*

I realize that some people might be very nitpicky about their crafts and handmade products…but seriously. She should have told me she wouldn’t be able to have them done in time–over two months worth of time to work on them!–and saved us both the trouble. (Now, of course if she does get them to me, great. If not…I think I will have to get into a boat, paddle across the Atlantic, and strangle her.)

On the upside though, my high-school friend’s mom was over at the house today and helped make some wedding decorations for us. They look nice and didn’t take terribly long, but we ran out of material, so she is going to get more of the materials and make the rest of what we needed. ^_^

Buuuuut…I was late getting to the house because of driving from the other side of the city during rush hour…and I guess our moms got to talking, as moms do…and she mentioned to my mom that John (my school friend) had seemed really sad that I hadn’t invited him…

And now I feel terrible. Because I thought about it. And I thought about a few other people that I really wanted to invite, but whom I hadn’t really seen or spoken with much in the last few years…and so ultimately, I didn’t invite any of them because I was too upset by the possibility that none of them would come because we weren’t “really” friends anymore…

What a dumb thing to think, yeah?

Like thinking that Toni doesn’t really even like hanging out with me or that she somehow holds me responsible for that dumb theatre kid…when I guess she tells everyone about me when they get to talking about awesome people who used to work at our my theatre, and she told Brandi some time ago that I’d asked her to be in our wedding…

Well. So I messaged John and explained the situation and why I just didn’t say anything…and I asked him to join us and bring his fiancé if they wanted to be there, because we’d be happy to have them…
What’s two more people, after all? And I know Jester has enjoyed the few times when we all did hang out together, so I don’t think he would object………

*sigh*

It’s hard for me to think that people actually like me.
Like…I can joke all day long about being everyone’s favourite fascist. Because nobody likes fascists, yeah? Like being a favourite disease–you might have one that you think is interesting to talk about, but it’s nothing you actually want.

Like me. Maybe I’m an interesting thing to talk about, but one doesn’t actually want to interact with me…right? *feels sad*

And then we go back to Wolf raging at things because any time I feel sad, that bit of me wants to attack the thing that is causing the sad.
He’s ineffable.

How strange to think that it is this Wolf who resolved that we had to have Jester and wouldn’t be letting him get away from us…

*sigh*
Anyway, I think I’m leaving this post now and going to skip Ben Jonson and start on that book. I can’t stand it any longer. I need to do a thing that won’t annoy me. (Example: listen to the same song on repeat for almost 45 minutes…….I apologise in advance for anyone who is with me in December and suffers through my end-of-year playlist, which already looks like it’s going to have a lot of Blutengel).

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