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I have a lot of things to say today.

Or…for a few days, really. Not necessarily these specific things, but…I have felt very talkative without anyone to say the words to.

Of course, that’s why this exists. So I can speak into the void.

First though, I finished re-reading that book, Spies. And I did miss a scene on my first reading.
I must’ve stopped paying attention at the wrong time–been looking out the giant windows at planes taking off, once it was finally light enough to see. Except that the Seattle clouds made it look like they went up a little way, then disappeared because the clouds were so low. The planes never made it properly into what you would think of as “the sky”. Weird.

But I think that was how I missed the scene that explained why one thing happened and not another.

And really…without ever calling forth any tears…it’s a terribly sad book. Tragic in the classical sense of the word, where all the bad things happen because of miscommunication and characters falling prey to their personal flaws.

Second, this book had kind of led me to think a certain way about my own family…and I confess that’s not always a good thing to do…but…when I read it the first time, I felt like there were certain quirks and bizarre similarities between my family and this one…

And one of the plot devices in the book is terminal illness, and concealing it. And…I have a terrible, terrible feeling that I have had ever since the wedding. Because as far as I can recall, my dad’s health has been iffy for over half my lifetime. But my mom’s always been alright until the last year or so. And she keeps going back to the doctor for tests. And more tests. And I usually don’t find out until after the fact, or I’m told when I announce that I’m coming for a visit, and my parents text me that they’ll be out because my mom “has an appointment”, but that my sister and the dogs will be home.

Jester asked me if I really have to visit them every week. Of course I don’t. Nobody is making me go across the city to visit. But I like to. I have not had as much practice at being away from or ignoring my family as he has, given he’s been away from his for roughly 11 of the last 12 years, and I have been away from my family for less than two months. They annoy me, naturally, but I am accustomed to seeing them and their absence is strange to me. Not all sentimental and missing them, but…it seems wrong to be without them.

But–and I don’t think he realizes how much I am concerned about this–I also noted my mom’s health…and the suspicion I have and which this book has made me anxious about again that my parents might lie to me about my mom’s health. My mom wouldn’t want to give me upsetting news, and might keep saying to herself that they have to find the “right time” to tell the four of us together (and it was impossible to get my brother, sisters and I together in one place before I left) so that I don’t either end up with a phone call that happens right as I am going into work or something absurd, or, you know, finding out from my sister’s Facebook updates. Because while I could never count on anyone to be forthcoming in the family, or to communicate in a direct way, I can always count on my sister to make announcements on Facebook. Always.

Of course, nothing serious might be wrong with my mom at all. Perhaps I am worrying for nothing. Although I also note that she went to the hospital the day of our wedding rehearsal and didn’t say anything until someone asked her why she wasn’t eating at dinner and she admitted going to the emergency room and they were giving her some kind of medication or doing a test the next day and had recommended her not eating. They could have told me before then and nobody did. So of course I can’t trust them to keep me updated of their own volition, and so I must keep visiting to make sure I walk Domino and to keep updated on my mom.

I was thinking about this even more the other day when we got dinner with his parents and his mom said that one of his great aunts has cancer and isn’t probably going to live much longer…that’s not the sort of thing one announces during a dinner out. At least, I think it shouldn’t be done that way. Oh well. Enough of this…

Third, of the things that I’ve been thinking about…
This is kind of in relation to the book I was reading, too, because it’s about spying and secrets…

I did a thing at work that I thought I’d been very set against ever doing, but I hope that it was for the best.

See, when I started with the company, managers had a non-fraternization rule, and couldn’t be related to/cohabit with/date/socialize with crew members they were responsible for. Alright. That is as it should be. But at that time, the intermediate position between crew and managers was in a grey area and they could date and hang out with and supervise crew they were related to.

I always suspected that it looked bad though, so when I was a supervisor and decided Toni and I needed to be friends, we did everything we could to keep anyone else at work from knowing, which I was really entertained by…but then they made an official policy about it, and fortunately, I got moved to a different place.

Well, I tell you all this because I thought that was really terrible to split up friendships that already existed, or give people the option of quitting or a demotion…and I thought at my old theatre, that it gave a bad sort of feeling to things. You never knew who might suspect you, or who might report you. (Which, of course, was how we started in with jokes about communism and being asked to inform on your coworkers’ social circles…) And a bunch of people did get fired or demoted because of that policy.
Buuut because of the way it was rolled out, I already thought it was poorly done, and I thought to myself that there would never be a chance I’d go to my boss and inform on anyone…

But I did.

Because it’s so out of hand at my theatre that apparently everyone knows about it except for him. And I couldn’t stand it anymore. Because it’s all so ridiculous…like, I’m not sure that I can tell the whole story because it’s a bit more serious than the conversations I usually post from my coworkers, but…it involves attempted breakups and suicide threats and a crew member trying really hard to drag my theatre buddy into a bad situation via texting him nonstop while we’re trying to complete all of our closing duties…

It was too stupid to be tolerated. So I told Mike.


And now I need to sleep. And maybe tomorrow I’ll have more to say. About Pokémon Go. And all the hate-filled people on Facebook.