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I made a little effort to be optimistic about my mom’s surgery. You know…try to not be all, “well, every little thing always goes wrong, etc, etc.” All that.

It was for nothing, you know. Which is why I try not to be optimistic.

She was at home for…four days? I think it was four. And then her nausea and pain at the surgery site didn’t lessen, and she’d had a low grade fever which spiked suddenly to 102…and they re-admitted her to the hospital on Monday, I think it was.

She’s still there.

Fever keeps yo-yoing back and forth…nausea and pain still there…and they can’t figure out what’s wrong. My dad says that there are indications there’s an infection, but they can’t find what type of infection or from where…

I’m really upset about all of this, but…you know…what do I do? I can’t go see her because I don’t do well with hospitals and I think that would just upset my mom if she saw me getting upset just because I came to see her…idk.

I don’t know how to even express that I’m upset by the situation. I texted Toni yesterday, which I haven’t done in a while…and I tried to explain the situation to her and thought maybe we could talk about it…but I get the impression she doesn’t particularly want to talk to me. Maybe I let too long go by between now and the last time I thought maybe we’d hang out (which I then cancelled because I didn’t want to leave the apartment).

I’m not good at friends. Which is why I don’t get to have one.

I couldn’t even manage to express to Jester earlier that I am upset. I wanted to say something. Or even cry. But I couldn’t do it. It’s easier to just say nothing. Not even that difficult to not cry. Which I felt bad about…but…I think it’s because I’m not angry. How can one be angry at something that isn’t anyone’s fault? Usually there is something or someone–including myself–to be angry at, and that’s usually the direction I go…but no…nothing this time.

Just worried and sad, which I don’t really know what to do with.

I think maybe they know at work though, because everyone is being nice to me and asking about it…but I’m conflicted about that. On one hand, Wolf me is actually glad to have people be sympathetic to us…that me never wants sympathy…but I think he just doesn’t know what to do with a feeling that isn’t anger.

The rest of me is just feeling uneasy about being too obviously distressed…thinking of ways to cover it up better…

I don’t know.

And I just keep coming back to that. That I don’t know. Don’t know what to do. Don’t know what will happen. Don’t know how to have proper feelings. Don’t know what to say about it.

So between every short paragraph I am flicking back and forth among ideas for how to mess with my youngest sister and make her hunt for her Christmas gifts again after the fashion of a Pokémon trainer…and reading about the black sun symbol, although I can’t for the life of me recall how exactly I arrived at that subject.

I am pretty sure that at some point, I had something with that symbol on it. I didn’t know what it was though. And after reading about it…I am wondering how it ended up on some cheap jewelry that my junior high best friend gave me…? Mysteries abound.

Oh well.

I’m probably tired enough to sleep now, so I will try to do that, I think.

And just so you don’t get the idea that I’m too distressed to keep being ridiculous, there’s also this–

Thabet: I watched The Green Room the other day.
Me: Oh?
Thabet: Yeah. *pause* That movie is weird.
Me: Well, it is about hillbillies trying to kill a punk rock band. Or something like that. That is the plot, right?
Thabet: You haven’t seen it??
Me: Nope.
Thabet: But it’s got so many Nazis!
Me: Heh. Is that the main criteria you’re using to judge the likelihood of my having seen a movie? By the number of Nazi characters?
Thabet: Well, they’re not like you. *sees the expression on my face* They’re bad Nazis.
Me: *busts up, laughing* What the hell?! Explain to me the difference between a bad and a not-bad Nazi.
Thabet: Well, on one hand you have the ones who like to wear leather and talk Nazi ideals–
Me: *laughing harder*
Thabet: –and on the other hand, you have the ones who are killing black people and selling cocaine.
Me: *finally stops laughing and wipes eyes* Welp. I’m glad we had this talk.
Thabet: Are you going to make fun of me now? I said it back to myself and that was one of the dumber things I’ve said. Like when I said the Vikings were being persecuted.
Me: No, no. Not that ridiculous. See, I know what I need to do now.
Thabet: What?
Me: Wear more leather so people will know I’m not bad.
Thabet: And stop selling cocaine?
Me: And that.